Twilight Sky Part 20

My eyes stared straight through the window in front of me. Senja, she lay on one of the beds inside with tubes and machines whose sounds I could hear from here. "This afternoon I found Senja unconscious in her room. I tried to wake her up but she wouldn't," Arik said. She stood beside me. "When I checked her blood sugar, the device only read 'high'. Sure enough, by the time she got here, her blood sugar was extremely high." I could still hear the anxious tone in Arik's voice. I was still staring at her. My brain couldn't think of anything anymore. Just a moment ago I was so happy that I would finally be with her again. But this… "I'm sorry, Rik." Suddenly those words came out of my mouth. "For what?" she asked. "This. All of this is because of me." I felt Arik looking at me. I turned to her. The girl smiled bitterly. "Yes. This is all your fault." She sighed. "Our fault too." I looked at her confused, not understanding her last remark. "Senja has been sick, Ta. For a long time. Type one diabetes, since we were little, discovered when she went into a coma because her sugar was as high as this. We should have taken better care of her, prevented all of this from happening again. Especially lately, her condition hasn't been very good. But well…" She trailed off. "Diabetes?" I asked. Arik nodded. "So, every once a month…" Arik nodded. "Every once a month she really has to go for a check-up. Not because of a family event." I then fell silent. My head was filled with dark thoughts, words full of curses at myself, at my foolishness for wasting opportunities, for wasting time. "Senja has been sick since childhood, she has to get insulin injections every day, has to stick to a diet, has to have regular check-ups. She's strong, I know. But two years ago, it seems she started to get fed up with everything. She started to be inconsistent with her diet, started to be lazy about routine check-ups. The peak was last year, she was in and out of the hospital several times because her blood sugar was uncontrolled. She was truly fed up, she didn't want to live anymore." Arik glanced at me then gave a bitter smile. "Everything changed when we moved here and she met you." Arik paused. "I was jealous of you," she said. She turned to me then looked away again when she realized I was watching her. "All this time, Senja's only friend was me. Only I was special to her." She cleared her throat. "Ever since Senja couldn't see and her close friends started leaving one by one, she always pushed everyone out of her life. Everyone except us. She never had stories about her friends, about anyone else besides us. Until that day." I waited for her to finish the story. "When we re-registered for high school yesterday, she told me about you." Arik looked at me without a smile. "Re-registration?" I asked. She nodded. "Didn't she start school late because she just arrived from Palembang?" Arik shook her head. "No," she replied. "That was just an excuse because she had to stay in the hospital at the beginning of the school year." Arik then looked down, examining the tips of her shoes. "That day my ears were burning, I was almost bored to death hearing her talk about you constantly. She said she fell in love. She said she met a girl with an orange scent and a broken smile." Arik chuckled. "She was so funny. It was the first time I'd seen her laugh like that in so long." I saw her smile bitterly, remembering the day she was telling me about now. "She said, she would make you happy, make you smile from the bottom of your heart." My chest felt tight now. All my memories with Senja flashed before my eyes. How happy I was when she accompanied me to enjoy the sunset. How she could always make me smile. "You can make Senja like that. Well, I'm happy Senja could laugh like those days. But… you belong to someone else. You have a boyfriend." Arik sighed. "At first I didn't want to say anything. But I really couldn't take it anymore until that afternoon, after you came home, I told her everything. I told her you already had a boyfriend. I hoped she would stop thinking about you. I thought she didn't know. But I was wrong. It turned out she knew." Yes, I still remember that afternoon. I still remember everything I heard. Senja already knew about me and Awan. "But she said, that guy couldn't make you happy. That's why she wanted to be the guy who could make you happy." Arik sighed again. "She said she didn't know how long she had to live. She said she had to make you happy before she died." Arik looked at me from head to toe. "Idiot!" she said then. Then there was a fairly long pause. Arik just stared at Senja, who was still unconscious. "Sorry about that day," Arik said then. Her voice was no longer as harsh as before. "That day I was harsh with you. You must understand my position. I've lived with her since she was in Mom's womb. I've seen her abandoned by her close friends before. I've seen her ridiculed, taken advantage of by people we thought were close to her. I was just too afraid she would get hurt again." I took a deep breath, trying to calm my feelings and prepare myself to hear Arik's next words. "That day, after we met at the bookstore, I was so angry with you. You were just like the others. You only gave Senja hope, when…" "You don't know, Rik," I said softly, cutting her off. "Yes, I really don't know what the truth is. I thought you were just playing with Senja. I thought you were just toying with her feelings." I couldn't determine what emotion was in Arik's heart now, as she said all that. Her expression was so flat, unreadable. "I hated you even more that afternoon when I came home from school and found Senja bruised and battered. She just said she fell on her way home from school. But I'm not stupid. I can tell the difference between injuries from falling and being beaten. Until finally I found out that your boyfriend beat her." Arik paused. She sighed. "Honestly, Ta. I hated you so much then. I couldn't think of anything else but that you were no good for Senja and I had to separate you two." "I understand, Rik," I said. Arik gave another bitter smile. The girl turned, her back to the ICU wall, leaning against it. "But, I was wrong, Ta. I shouldn't have interfered, come to you, and said those things to you. Because of me, you ended up distancing yourself from Senja, didn't you?" I was silent, not answering her question. "Senja has always been the most 'pretending to be strong' person in the world. How many times has she said she's fine when she's actually sick? It's countless how many times she's always tried to appear strong, when in reality it's not like that. Including when you chose to leave her." Ah, she was right. All this time, I was the blind one. All I knew was the fact that Senja was fine, that she hadn't changed, and she was okay. "She started to busy herself with studying, started to get less rest, started to eat irregularly." Arik exhaled in frustration. "Even though she knows the dangers if she doesn't manage her eating, if she gets stressed, if her activities are excessive like that. But still… That stubborn person…" Tears had gathered in my eyes, ready to spill. "I love her, Rik," I said, almost inaudibly. Arik straightened up. She looked at me. "I know," she said. "And you two are a truly perfect match. Both equally foolish!" she said before then walking away from me. Yes, I was foolish. Even though Senja had discussed this from the beginning. Not just once did she talk about dying. Repeatedly. She kept asking me to stop all the pleasantries, to say what I needed to say, to express what I truly wanted because I didn't know when time would stop. But I was too deaf and my brain too stubborn to listen. She tried to make me happy. That was all, and I was too blind to see it. I dragged my feet towards the ICU door. I didn't know how much time I had left. I had to see her. But it turned out that doing all that wasn't as easy as I imagined. My steps felt so heavy to approach her. Even after I managed to reach her side, I couldn't do anything but try my hardest to hold back my tears from spilling. I stood frozen by her bedside, silently looking at her lying body and her closed eyes. A long time later, only then could I move my feet, approaching her bed. "Hi, Ja," I greeted her with eyes that were already starting to water. I then sat by her bedside. "Sorry I'm late," I said. "You'd probably comment, 'typical'. Right? Or would you say, 'My stock of apologies is exhausted'?" That face tonight wasn't adorned with a smile, not like I usually saw. "I miss you, Ja," I said. "I miss your smile, I miss your laughter, I miss your stories." I took a deep breath, inhaling as much oxygen as I could, which I could use to stop my tears. "Accompany me to watch the sunset again, Ja?" I asked. "I want to see the sun off with you again. Later I'll tell you everything. Everything I see. Everything that will be before us, I'll describe it all for you. It's okay if you want to laugh later. I won't protest." These tears I could no longer hold back. They started to fall, running down my cheeks, no longer restrained. I hoped they would carry out all my regrets. "Ja, thank you for everything. Thank you for trying to make this foolish person happy." I sobbed. "I'm happy now, Ja. I'm happy and I will continue to fight for happiness." I took another deep breath, trying to relieve my chest and stop my tears. "I love you, Ja. I love you so much. I lied when I said I was okay. I'm hurting, Ja. My heart aches so much every time I think I won't be able to see you again, won't be able to be with you. It hurts so much every time I see you but can't be with you." One of my hands moved, grasping hers. "Ja, I'm going to be a strong person, who will fight for my happiness. But I can't do it without you. Please wake up, Ja? Don't leave me, okay? I love you, Ja. I love you so much. Don't leave me like this, okay?" I dropped my head, hiding my face in my arm, by her side, and cried there. "Rekta." I lifted my head then turned and quickly rushed into Mom's embrace. "I'm sorry, Auntie," I said. "It's okay. Rekta isn't at fault." Mom gently stroked my back. "Let's pray for the best for Senja, okay?" "I love Senja so much, Auntie. I…" "Mom knows. Mom has always known that Rekta loves Senja. Mom is also sure Senja knows that. It's okay. Rekta, don't cry anymore, okay?" Mom released her embrace, wiped away my tears, then led me out of the ICU. What happened next was I sat on one of the long chairs in the waiting room, trying to stop my crying. Mom, who had accompanied me to the hospital earlier, could only sit beside me and hug me now. "I love you so much, Ja," I whispered to myself. "It's okay, dear. Let's pray for the best for Senja, okay?" Mom whispered. "I love her so much, Mom," I said again. "I love her so much." I don't know how many times I've said this. I don't know to how many people now. It just feels like this: empty. It feels like, no matter how many times I say it, to how many people, it will still feel the same. It will still feel empty because the truth is I didn't try to do anything about it when I should have done something, when I had the chance to do something. And now everything might be too late, it might be useless. *** ♫ I can't imagine any greater fear than waking up without you here Though the sun would still shine on, my whole world would all be gone ♫ The song played softly from my phone. Then the memory of that night suddenly came, of the night filled with my immense fear of losing Senja. I took a deep breath, trying to put on a smile, welcoming the twilight sky, gazing at the vast evening sky stretching before me. My eyes stared straight through the window, looking at the sky spread out there. This evening I hoped the sun wouldn't go home too quickly. I wanted to linger here and watch it go. I remembered Senja's story that afternoon, about day and night falling in love but never being able to be together. About how they always took advantage of every moment they could share that wouldn't hurt the other party. About how every evening, night would greet day, praise it, declare love to it until Day felt shy and its sky turned red. About night always trying to make day happy even though they couldn't be together. Yes, I remember everything. ♫ Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed. Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed... Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need.. ♫ The song The Rose then played, replacing No Place That Far. I smiled to myself. This was the same song that accompanied the sun home that afternoon when Senja accompanied me for the first time. "Has it gone home?" I turned and smiled. "Not yet," I replied, turning off the music player on my phone and removing the earphones from my ears. "Why didn't you wake me up?" she protested. A smile adorned my face again. "You were sleeping so soundly. I didn't dare wake you." "Tell me, what it looks like," she said. Senja smiled. Her eyes were still closed. I laughed. "No pleasantries?" I asked. It was Senja's turn to laugh. "Should there be?" she asked. She sat up, shifting slightly away from me, deliberately making room for me. I chuckled again. "Enough with the laughing. Tell me quickly. What does it look like this evening?" "Bright, Ja. It's very bright this evening. There are no clouds at all. But the sky isn't orange." I finally sat beside her, in the remaining space on her bed, facing her. "What color is it?" "A little purple," I reported. "There's blue in the red. People say blue is a melancholic color. Maybe it's sad, Ja?" I asked. "It's just jealous," she said. "Jealous?" "Yes. It's jealous of you." "Why?" "Because you are an incredibly strong person. Because you are now willing to fight for your happiness. Because you have me." I smiled. "What are you talking about?" I protested. My face must have been red now. "I like it when you smile like this." "Oh, come on, Ja. Stop with the sweet talk!" Senja laughed. "But it's true, isn't it? Are you happy now?" "Yes. I'm happy, Ja." I played with her hand. "Thank you, okay? Thank you for being in my world. Thank you for turning my life upside down. Thank you for never giving up on making me happy. Thank you for never leaving me." "Yes," she replied briefly. She squeezed my hand, stopping me from playing with her hand. I smiled, feeling my heart start to beat irregularly again, just like before, just like always. "Ja," I called. "What?" "I love you." Those three words slipped quickly from my mouth and my heart beat even faster. Especially when I saw her smile. "Thank you," she said. "Thank you?" I protested spontaneously. This time Senja laughed. She tightened her grip on my hand. "Then what should I say?" she asked. I rolled my eyes, frowning. But then I realized, she couldn't know that. So I finally sighed in annoyance. "Why?" she asked. "I rolled my eyes and frowned," I replied. Senja laughed again. "Sorry, I didn't see that." "Ha ha. Funny!" Senja kept laughing. "Enough, already. You keep laughing!" I pulled my hand away, preparing to get off the bed. But Senja held me back. Senja didn't say anything immediately. For a moment, she just looked at me. "It's going to be like this," she said. "Like this how?" I asked, not understanding. "I won't be able to see your facial expressions." "Is that important?" "Sometimes it is important." "Ja, can we not think about that for now?" "Why?" she asked. I didn't answer immediately, just looked at her. I already knew this wouldn't be easy. It was never easy from the start. "I just want to enjoy what we have, just live with what we have for now. We'll think about the rest as we go, okay?" I finally replied. Senja smiled and nodded. She gently squeezed my hand. "I want to hear your voice, I want to hear more about the twilight sky today," she said. I complied and started telling her about the twilight sky. But my eyes no longer looked at the hospital window, no longer looked at the sky stretching out there. I chose instead to look at her, this person whose face was always adorned with a smile, whom I never wanted to let go of again. The End (Ternate, August 29, 2015)