Twilight Sky Part 4

Ei : Taaa, so sorry. You'll have to manage on your own today, okay? I'm on my way to Karanganyar; a relative passed away. Ei's short message this morning suddenly made my body go limp, losing all spirit. Ei wasn't coming to school. That meant I'd be sitting at an empty desk all day. Great! I had hoped she'd come and teach me how to do some Physics practice problems before class started. "Why the lack of enthusiasm?" Father asked as he dropped me off in front of the school. "Ei isn't coming." Father smiled. "There are other friends, aren't there?" he said before letting me kiss his hand. "Study well." "I will, Dad." "Go on in then." Reluctantly, I left my father and entered the schoolyard. Several students passed me, half-running. Running? I quickly checked the watch on my wrist. 06:58 AM. No wonder... I quickened my pace, not quite running, lacking any enthusiasm. "Rekta?" I stopped in the corridor near the teachers' room and turned. Mrs. Marfuah, my Chemistry teacher and homeroom teacher, was walking quickly towards me. "Oh, Ma'am. Let me help you carry those, Ma'am." I offered to take the books in Mrs. Marfuah's arms. "Thanks." Mrs. Marfuah handed me her books. "I'm sorry I couldn't visit you when you were sick yesterday." "Hehe... it's okay, Ma'am. Alhamdulillah, thanks to your prayers, I'm already well." Awkward. I didn't know what else to talk about. So the rest of our walk was filled with silence. Senja was already sitting in the same spot as on previous days when Mrs. Marfuah and I entered the classroom. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the increase in my heart rate. And sure enough, as I stood near the teacher's desk, near his seat, my heart started beating incredibly fast. "Thank you, Rekta," Mrs. Marfuah said again. "You're welcome, Ma'am." "May I ask for one more favor?" Mrs. Marfuah asked before I left her. "Yes, Ma'am?" "Dewi and Eko aren't in today. Would you mind sitting with Senja today, Rekta?" What? Sit with Senja? "Uhh... well..." I couldn't answer immediately. I glanced at Senja. He had his head down, but I could still see a smile on his face. Sitting at the same desk as Senja was practically suicide. Just looking at him made my heart pound super fast, what if I had to sit right next to him? Talk to him? Ugh... This past week alone had been torture without even being close to him. Why? "Is that okay?" Mrs. Marfuah asked again. "Yes, Ma'am." That was the answer that finally came out of my mouth. I saw a smile on Mrs. Marfuah's face. This teacher was truly amazing, always managing to persuade her students without needing to force or scold them. Don't talk about Facebook, please... Don't talk about Facebook... I repeated that mantra to myself as I shuffled my way to the desk next to Senja. "Ja," I greeted. "Hi, Rekta." He turned to me and smiled. I quickly sat beside him and took several deep breaths. "Are you okay?" Senja asked. "I'm fine, Ja." "Been running around?" Damn it! Ugh... this guy! He thinks I've been running around? This is because of you, you know? "Hehehe... yeah. Was afraid of being late," I finally replied. "Alright, today we're going to play with carbon." Mrs. Marfuah began today's lesson. "Rekta, sorry in advance. I'm going to be a bother to you all day," Senja said softly. "Be my guest," I replied. I glanced at Senja. He smiled. Oh my God, he's so sweet. Gosh, I hope I don't have a heart attack today. Ah, life. Who knows what will happen? After a week of only planning to greet him but never succeeding because all my courage had vanished, and having no reason to greet him anyway, today we ended up having to sit together. *** "Not going to the canteen?" Senja asked during the second break. "No. Are you going to the canteen?" I asked back. Senja smiled. "Nope. I brought lunch from home. It's healthier," he said. I took out my Physics book, finishing the homework I hadn't managed to complete yesterday. Actually, I had planned to do this homework in the library during the first break. But in my haste to leave the classroom to escape for the sake of my heart's health, my main intention failed. My workbook was left in class. Stupid. "Are you okay sitting with me?" My hand stopped writing the answer in the book when I heard Senja's question. I turned to him. "Why do you ask?" I asked, confused. "Oh, nothing. Just in case you mind. You're different today than yesterday." "Different?" "Today you're quieter. Before, you were lively when Dewi was around." I sighed. "I don't like sitting in the very front row like this." Senja nodded his head. "Hard to sleep, huh?" He then laughed. "Ha ha!" I retorted. Damn it! "Hey, how come your ears aren't plugged with earphones today?" I asked, starting to fill in the answers to the Physics problems. "Don't feel like it." "So what do you feel like doing now?" "Just talking to you." Ugh! Suddenly my hand couldn't continue its work. I swallowed, trying to clear my throat which had suddenly constricted. "Why so quiet?" he asked. Oh, Senja. You're really killing me now. "What kind of music do you like to listen to?" I asked. "Oh, that." Senja reached into his desk drawer and pulled out his music player. "Want to listen?" he asked, offering his earphones. I put down the pen I was holding, stopped bothering with Physics for a moment, then took the earphones he offered me, putting them in my ears. "Classification is the grouping of various types of animals and plants into certain categories." There was a woman's voice reading Biology lesson material. I took the earphones out of my ears, returning them to their owner. It turned out he wasn't listening to music all this time. "It's called an audiobook. It's easier to learn this way. Simple." "Oh." I didn't know how else to respond. So, only that word came out. Ah, I'm not even sure that was a word. I looked at Senja. He gave so many surprises. So many unexpected things. My heart suddenly started beating fast again when I realized that Senja was looking at me. I quickly looked down, escaping to the open workbook page in front of me, pretending to be serious about solving problems that I couldn't even understand anymore. "Why isn't Eko in?" I asked, feigning calmness, changing the topic. "Sick." I didn't comment further, still trying to finish my Physics homework. "Finished!" I said as soon as I successfully answered the last question. I closed the book and put it in the drawer. "Done, Ta?" Reno was suddenly next to me. "What?" I asked. "That Physics homework is for tomorrow, right?" Reno pointed to my drawer. "Oooh.." I reached into the drawer, pulled out the workbook, and handed it to Reno. "Alright.." A smile spread across Reno's face. "If you keep giving him answers like that, when will he learn?" The smile immediately faded from Reno's face. I immediately turned to Senja, who was sitting next to me. There was no smile on his face either. He looked annoying. "What's wrong, Ja?" I asked. "I just don't like that kind of thing." "I'm just trying to help." "Don't spoil people like that. You're not helping him if you do that. He'll just copy your homework, he won't try to understand. He won't learn." I looked at him, at his face which looked so stern. "Why do you go to school?" "Hmm?" I asked, confused. "What do you go to school for?" It wasn't that I didn't understand his question. I just didn't understand Senja's purpose in asking it. What did it have to do with everything that had just happened? "Well, to gain knowledge." "What for, to gain knowledge?" "So I can work later. To live?" Senja nodded. "Yeah, that's it," he said. I rolled my eyes. This guy... "Yeah, but you don't have to be so extreme about it, Ja." "What do you mean, not so extreme?" "Well, I feel bad for Reno," I said. "Why? You're not the annoying one." "Then who is the annoying one?" I asked. "Me." A smile appeared on Senja's face again, which then spread to me. My feelings melted away. The annoyance I had just felt suddenly disappeared. "I like oranges," Senja suddenly said, changing the topic of conversation. Okay. It seems I'm really going to die of breathlessness today. I didn't know what he meant by his words. But it seemed he was talking about me. My perfume smelled of oranges. "Oh, Rekta. Your writing is really good, isn't it?" he said again. "What writing?" I asked, confused. "Your Facebook notes and blog posts." Oh my God.. "I like them." I swear... I really didn't know what to say. My brain immediately stopped working. I could only stare at him silently. "Why so quiet?" "Uh... well..." The bell signaling the end of the second break suddenly rang, saving me. I exhaled in relief, finding a distraction that meant I no longer had to answer Senja's question. And my attention was quite successfully diverted when I saw Mrs. Marfuah enter the classroom. "May I have your attention for a moment?" The previously noisy class immediately became quiet. "On behalf of the school, I apologize for having to deliver this bad news." Mrs. Marfuah took a breath, making all her students take a breath too, tense and curious about the news she brought. "Due to a sudden meeting, the next teaching and learning activities are canceled. We apologize, considering the importance of this meeting, please study on your own at home, okay?" A smile appeared on Mrs. Marfuah's face. The teacher already knew that none of her students would be sad to hear that news. The faces that were previously tense were immediately adorned with smiles. These friends are really something. How can they be happy when school is dismissed early? They should be like me; happy too. After reading a prayer and Mrs. Marfuah left the classroom, the other class members immediately scrambled to leave the classroom. Everyone seemed eager to leave school. But now I was confused. The house would definitely be empty because both my father and mother were on morning duty today. If I wanted to go out, it wouldn't be fun to go alone, would it? Ei, the lively one, wasn't in today. If only Ei were here. "Are you in a hurry to go home?" Senja asked. "Not really, Ja. It's only twelve o'clock. Why?" I stood up, leaning against the teacher's desk, waiting for Senja to continue his words. "Can I ask you for something?" "What?" "A walk around the school." He closed his bag, then stood up and put it on his back. "What do you mean? What are we going to do walking around the school?" I asked, confused. "I haven't oriented myself to the place yet." I stared at him silently, not answering his question immediately. "Why so quiet?" He was standing in front of me now. "Uh... that..." I was silent again. "I don't know how," I finally said. Now he laughed, showing his row of teeth adorned with pointed canine teeth. Oh my God... I really love it. "Right hand?" Senja opened his left palm, asking for my right hand. I complied, placing my right hand in his open palm. He then moved his hand up to my elbow. His other hand held his white cane. "Now, you're my guide. Let's walk." Once again I swallowed before I started walking with him holding onto my arm. "Tell me if there's an obstacle or stairs or a difference in ground level." "Uh-huh." I'm dead. Yes. I've never been like this. I've never felt so breathless before. I suddenly couldn't say anything and could barely breathe. "You're really tense, Rekta. Just relax. If you're tense, I'll get tense too." "It's... I just haven't experienced this before. Uh, I mean..." Oh dear. What's wrong with me? "It's okay." Senja smiled. I stopped in front of the classroom door. "Ahem, where do you want to go first?" I asked with a constricted throat. "What I definitely want to know are the restrooms, lab, hall, prayer room. What's closest to start with?" "The restrooms." "Let's go!" "Um, Ja. What should I do?" Senja's laughter erupted again. "Oh, sorry. I forgot to say. Just accompany me. Explain what needs to be explained, for example, how many steps to the right there's a table or stairs. Help me orient myself to the place," he explained once his laughter subsided. "So?" I nodded. "Rekta?" "Yes?" "Don't nod. I wouldn't know," he said, still smiling. "Sorry." That was the only word I could utter. I was too confused to choose words. "It's okay. Just relax." I then started walking, letting Senja walk with me and hold my arm. I don't know what I'm feeling now. It feels like everything is mixed and stirred up in my chest. My heart is still beating irregularly, my breath still feels tight, but it seems my body is starting to adapt to all of it and, honestly, I'm starting to like all these feelings. The way he smiles, the way he laughs, the way he explains everything to me, the way he reminds me, I want to see all of that again and again. Everything. The way he makes me flustered, makes my heart pound, and makes me breathless without even doing anything, I want to feel all of that again and again. God, what's wrong with me? "Were you hospitalized yesterday? What were you sick with?" Senja asked as we left the hall, the final stop of today's tour. "Uh-huh. Typhus." "You're really quiet today, aren't you?" "Not really." "Yes." "Are you always this blunt?" Senja didn't answer my question immediately. He laughed. "Really?" he asked. "Yeah. It seems like all your comments, your questions, everything has been spontaneous, without any small talk." "Should there be small talk?" "Well, we just met, after all." Senja smiled. "If I don't say it now, when will I? How long should we make small talk? Tomorrow? What if I'm still alive tomorrow, what if we're still destined to be together? What if not?" "Why say it like that?" I protested. I turned to him. "It's not us who determine life. Our job is to live life as best as we can. Time can't be turned back. So every second is an opportunity. It's a shame to waste it." For a moment, my mind went blank again, truly not knowing what to say. "But those words can't be taken back," I said as I regained my composure. "You still have to choose them carefully, not just say anything." Senja smiled. "In this world, there's something called the law of action-reaction, right?" "Yes." "For me, that's life. Every second is an opportunity. I'll say what I need to say, do whatever I need to do. But, I believe that every word and action I take will be returned to me with equal force." I suddenly fell silent again, just walking silently with him across the schoolyard, which was starting to empty. "There's something else different about you today." "What?" I asked. "Today you didn't sleep in class." I smiled. "Damn it! I thought it was something else. I never sleep in class, you know?! That time was because I had just been sick, so my body was still weak." "I like it when you smile." I looked at him. "How do you know I'm smiling?" "It's in your voice. I like hearing your voice when you smile like this." Once again, I was dead. My heart rate, which had started to normalize, was now increasing again. My breath started to feel tight again. My voice was constricted again. But I was really starting to enjoy this situation. "Thank you, okay?" Senja said as we stopped at the school gate. He released his grip on my arm. "You're welcome." "See you tomorrow." Senja straightened the cane he had been holding. "Yes." "Be careful, okay?" he said again. I smiled. "You, too." I watched him walk further away. And my heart rate was starting to return to normal now. And I returned to being my living self, but somehow now it felt so strange, boring. The phone in my skirt pocket vibrated. I quickly grabbed it. Mas Awan called. "Yes, Mas?" I said, opening the conversation. "Coming home early, okay? I just saw Reno pass by near campus." "Yes, Mas." "Where are you now?" "Still at school. Just left." "Oh, alright. I don't have class. I'll pick you up then. Wait a bit, okay?" "Yes, Mas." "Love you," he said. I swallowed, unable to answer his words. I quickly pressed the disconnect button, avoiding my obligation to respond to Mas Awan's words. I put the phone back in my skirt pocket. *** Mas Awan pulled my right hand, tightening my grip around his waist. I complied, tightening my embrace around his waist. He then sped up his motorcycle. Solo was hot this afternoon. It hadn't rained for several days. "Let's go," Mas Awan invited after parking his motorcycle in the Solo Grand Mall parking lot. Mas Awan held one of my hands. "What do you want to eat, Mas?" I asked. "What do you want to eat?" "What, exactly? Whatever you want." Actually, I didn't really like eating at the mall. I preferred eating at roadside stalls; meatballs, chicken soup, bakmi toprak, or anything as long as it wasn't at the mall. Unfortunately, Mas Awan rarely wanted to eat at places like that. "Do you want tofu flower noodle soup?" Mas Awan asked. "Sure," I said. As usual, I complied. My wishes weren't important anyway. Mas Awan took me up to the food court on the third floor, near the cinema, and went to the stall that sold his favorite noodles. "Mas, I'll sit down first, okay?" I pointed to an empty table near the ice cream parlor and immediately went there after Mas Awan nodded his head. During working hours like this, the mall wasn't very crowded. It turned out to be more comfortable when it wasn't too busy like this. I often felt dizzy seeing too many people passing by. I especially disliked having to go to the mall on Saturday nights or holidays; it was too crowded. "The mall's quiet, not fun, huh?" Mas Awan sat in the empty chair next to me. I turned to him and smiled. "Uh-huh," I replied. The waiting time was then filled with Mas Awan's stories about his college life. About some of the courses he was taking this semester. About the lecture material that often made him sleepy or excited. "I swear. Whenever that one professor comes in, the enthusiasm for studying just shoots through the roof. It's impossible to feel sleepy." Mas Awan was very enthusiastic telling me about one of his lecturers. I looked at Mas Awan. That thin, bespectacled man, I also rarely saw the smile disappear from his face. He also liked to smile a lot, just like Senja. But why didn't I feel my heart beat faster every time I saw him? Why didn't it feel the same? Why did I feel something strange every time I saw Senja's smile, but not with Mas Awan? What was wrong with me? Ei's question that day suddenly echoed in my head again, about my feelings for Mas Awan, about whether they had grown. And all of it made me rethink what I had always believed: that liking, let alone loving, could be cultivated. That it just needed time. I began to think that perhaps what I had always believed wasn't entirely true. "Excuse me, Sir. Your order. Two tofu flower noodle soups, bottled tea, and mineral water?" The waiter from the stall where we ordered food suddenly stood next to me. He placed the order on the table. "Enjoy your meal," he said kindly before leaving Mas Awan and me. "Let's eat." Mas Awan separated his chopsticks and started eating. I took a fork and spoon, starting to enjoy the food too. "I really can't wait to be on the same campus as you." Same campus. Medicine. I never dreamed of becoming a doctor. Since childhood, I'd always wanted to be a nurse like my father and mother. Or if not, then a teacher like my grandfather. "Be patient," I said. "I still want to enjoy high school first." "Yeah, but everything has to be planned, Sis." I didn't answer, just nodded my head. I was too lazy to argue with him. It was better to comply, safer. "If only I hadn't started school so early, we definitely would have been in the same school, right?" Mas Awan suddenly started to wonder. "If only I hadn't skipped a grade in elementary school." If only... Here we go again. I really didn't like this. Life had already happened, it was over, that's how it went. What was the point of wishing to change the past? Mas Awan then went back to talking about his college life, about his practicals, and I became the listening ear again. I looked at my right arm. Now a feeling of guilt hung heavy in my heart because I suddenly wanted a hand to hold my arm again. I suddenly wanted to see his smile again now. I suddenly wanted to see him again. Now. To be continued