Twilight Sky Part 19

"What are you daydreaming about?" Mas Awan dropped into the empty chair beside me. I turned to him and smiled, not answering. Mas Awan smiled back and then sat quietly beside me, observing his grandmother's backyard, which was filled with extended family members this afternoon. "Cute, aren't they?" Mas Awan said. He pointed to one of his nephews who was running around with his cousins in the yard. "Our children will definitely be cute too." I looked at Mas Awan. Children, he said. He was so confident about our future, already preparing everything. But me? I was still struggling with myself, trying to erase Senja's traces from my mind and heart. I was still trying to open my heart to Mas Awan, trying to make my heart beat every time I saw his smile or felt his touch, trying to make my chest swell with happiness every time I saw him laugh. "Why are you staring like that?" Mas Awan asked. He placed his palm on top of mine. I smiled. "Nothing," I said. I just wanted to look at him, waiting for a flutter in my heart, waiting for that tightness in my chest. But no matter how long I waited, I felt none of it. And I didn't know if I could endure all of this until later, until forever. Then suddenly, right now, I wanted to see her, Senja. I suddenly wanted to see her now. Ugh, how annoying. Even though I'd told myself repeatedly to forget her. Repeatedly I'd convinced myself that I could forget her, trying to do anything to get her out of my head. But it turned out I'd forgotten that the heart cannot forget. "Dek, what are you really thinking about?" Mas Awan's question brought me back to reality. "Seriously. You've been daydreaming a lot lately." "Have I? No, not really." I denied. "I've told you before, if something's wrong, tell me. Who knows, maybe I can help. If you stay silent like this, I don't know what to do." I smiled. "It's nothing, really!" Mas Awan released his grip, almost hugging me, but for some reason, he stopped and turned his gaze to the afternoon sky above us, which had begun to turn orange. For quite a while, we just sat in silence, lost in our own thoughts. Just gazing at the orange sky above us. "Shall I take you home now?" I turned to Mas Awan. He raised an eyebrow, questioning my answer. "The event isn't over yet. Later. It wouldn't feel right if I didn't help clean up," I said. I stood up, already almost approaching the large table that had been used for food, when Mas Awan suddenly pulled my hand. "No need. Someone else is taking care of it. I'll just take you home now." He pulled my hand, asking me to follow his steps. Something was strange about Mas Awan this afternoon. But I didn't say anything, choosing instead to remain silent, comply, and follow him as he said goodbye to almost every member of his extended family, then led me into the car and drove away from his grandmother's house. My journey home this afternoon felt so long. Silent. There was no music that usually accompanied our trips. No conversation at all. It seemed Mas Awan was still lost in his own thoughts. Occasionally, he glanced at me, more often than usual, but said nothing. Mas Awan pulled the car over not far from my house. For a moment, his gaze was blank, staring straight ahead, before he let out a long sigh and turned to me. "Dek," he called, his eyes searching my face. "Do you love him?" he asked. I frowned, looking at him, unable to say anything. Mas Awan still looked at me. "Do you love Senja?" "What are you talking about?" I asked. "I... I always knew that all this time, it wasn't me you were thinking about. It wasn't me who could make you smile from the heart." "Mas..." "Dek..." He cut off my words, then paused, taking another long breath. "I should have let you go the moment I saw your happy smile when you walked him at school that afternoon. I'd never seen you smile like that. That afternoon, you were different, the way you smiled was different. That afternoon, I knew he could make you happier than I could. But I was too selfish." Mas Awan's eyes were still on me. He smiled. I knew that kind of smile. I often wore it when my heart felt restless. "All this time, I kept trying to convince myself that you were okay, that we were fine. That's why I held onto you with all my might. That's why I did anything not to let you go." He sighed. "Anything," he repeated. My brow furrowed again. I tried to process his words. "When I started to realize that you... he..." Mas Awan fell silent, perhaps trying to find the right words. "I'm sorry. I went to see him once. I asked him to leave you, not to bother you. I'm sorry. That time, I lost control and hit him." Still, I couldn't say anything. I just stared at Mas Awan, no longer knowing how to respond. "I thought all we needed was time. But Dewi's words in the infirmary that afternoon made me realize." "Ei?" I asked. Mas Awan nodded. "That afternoon, when you fainted, your father called me. I went straight to school, went straight to the infirmary to find you, but I didn't go in. I could only watch you from the window when I heard your conversation with Dewi." Mas Awan's hand moved quickly to tuck my hair behind my ear. "Dewi was right, Dek. Our relationship was actually critical. I forced you to stay, and you were forced to stay even if it meant sacrificing your happiness. That... that's like me slowly killing you." Unable to stop them, my tears began to fall, one by one. "I should have let you go from the start. I shouldn't have waited this long, shouldn't have tormented you like this, shouldn't have tormented both of you like this. I'm sorry for tormenting you both like this," he said again. He smiled, gently squeezing my hand. "I love you, Dek. I don't want to torment you anymore. I want you to be happy. I'm letting you go," he said. "Mas," I called. He looked at me. "I'm sorry." Mas Awan's hand stroked my head, tucking my hair behind my ear once more. "No. I'm the one who's wrong. Forgive me, okay?" he said. Mas Awan said nothing more. But he also didn't drive the car we were in, giving me time to finish my crying. I knew my father would ask many questions if he saw me in this condition. After quite a while, when I had calmed down, he drove me home. "Come on," Mas Awan said, extending his hand after opening the car door for me. "Are you okay now? I'm sorry for making you cry like this. I didn't mean to..." I nodded, taking his hand, letting him hold it and lead me into the house. "Uncle," Mas Awan said as my father opened the door. My father nodded. His eyes looked at me. I remembered my father doing this before, looking at me with that gaze, when he picked me up from Senja's house that afternoon. "I'm going to my room first." I released Mas Awan's hand, quickly walked past my father, then went upstairs and entered my room. My tears flowed again as I reached my room. Quickly, I took out my phone from my bag and pressed speed dial number four. "Ta? What's wrong, Ta?" Ei's voice sounded panicked when she answered the phone and heard me sobbing. I took a deep breath. "It feels so light, Ei." "What are you talking about, Ta?" she asked. "Mas Awan let me go." I paused, taking another deep breath. "It feels so light, Ei," I said again. Ei didn't say anything. But I could imagine the girl must be smiling. If she were here, she would definitely hug me tightly. "I'm happy for you," she said after quite a while, before I finally ended our call. My bedroom door was knocked. Without waiting for my answer, the door was pushed open. My father appeared. "You two broke up." My father crossed his arms over his chest. I wasn't quite sure about the tone of my father's words, whether it was a question or a statement. Ambiguous. "You know I've always considered Awan like my own son, right?" My father still didn't move, still stood in his spot. "You know he's a good boy, right?" I could only swallow. I already knew it would be like this. I had guessed my father would be very disappointed if I broke up with Mas Awan. My father sighed, uncrossed his arms, then came towards me, standing right in front of me. "You know you're my only child, right?" My father looked at me. I nodded. Tears, once again, couldn't be held back. They started to fall. An overwhelming sense of guilt suddenly crept into my heart. I had disappointed my father. Even though I already knew I would disappoint him if I let go of Mas Awan or let him let go of me. It's just that I truly couldn't imagine living my life with him, with someone for whom my heart felt nothing. "You know I can't expect anything from anyone else but you, right?" Once again, I nodded. Once again, my tears burst forth, worse than before. I truly couldn't hold back my crying anymore, couldn't control my own breathing. I could only sob and lower my gaze, looking at the floor where teardrops were beginning to fall. "You know that the most important thing for me is your happiness, right?" My father's voice began to tremble. His hands reached out, then held both sides of my head, lifting it. I raised my face and found my father's eyes glistening with tears. My father was crying. In my entire life, this was the first time I had ever seen my father cry. "You know that, don't you?" he asked, his voice still trembling. I nodded. "Then why did you never tell me? Why did you bear everything alone? Why did I have to find out from Awan? From someone else?" he asked again. "Why did you never tell me what you truly wanted?" I couldn't answer my father's questions. All I could do was remain silent, looking at my father through a tear-blurred gaze and with a breath that was nothing but sobs. "You should have told me if you didn't want to be a doctor." "I'm sorry, Dad," I replied softly. "You should have told me if you never wanted your days packed with tutoring schedules like this." "I'm sorry," I replied, even softer than before. "If you were tired, you should have told me." My father's tears were truly flowing now. He pulled me into his embrace. "If you don't tell me what you want, how can I know?" "I'm sorry, Dad," I said softly, almost inaudibly to myself. I hugged him back. "Forgive me, Dad. I should have asked first before deciding everything." My father loosened his embrace, pushing my body away so he could look into my eyes. "Forgive me, okay? I've wanted to talk to you for so long, but I didn't know where to start." I nodded. I knew he was never a man of many words, not good at talking. "So, what's his name?" my father asked after we had wiped away our tears. "Senja," I replied. My father gently stroked my head. "Senja?" It was either a question or just a statement. I didn't understand the tone in my father's voice just now. The phone screen I had placed beside me lit up, indicating an incoming call. Senja. My father glanced at it, signaling me to answer the call, then stepped out of the room. I immediately took a deep breath, calmed myself, then unconsciously put on my best smile. "Yes, Ja?" I asked. "Rekta?" Then my smile vanished. I could hear the worry in Arik's voice just now. To be continued