Twilight Sky Part 18

"So, we're still on for later, right, Ta?" Tika, who was about to leave class, stopped by my desk. "Yep. Three o'clock, right?" "Alright. See you this afternoon." The petite girl then walked away, leaving me still busy tidying my desk and Ei looking at me curiously. "What?" I asked. "What kind of date do you have with Tika?" "Why? Jealous?" I teased. "Ugh. Why would I be jealous of you? No way. It's just unusual for you to make plans with her." Ei put on a nonchalant face. "Hehehehe... She wants to join my private lessons," I replied, standing up. The corner of my eye caught Senja, who, I was sure, turned slightly towards me when she heard my words. But she didn't react any further, just that. She then walked out of the classroom, chatting with Eko. "Private lessons?" Ei asked. "You?" "Uh-huh." "For what?" she asked. "Since when?" Ei asked again before I could even answer the previous question. "Almost two months now," I replied. "My grades last semester were terrible. And I'm preparing for next semester's exams too." I stood up. "Let's go home!" I invited. "Wait! Wait!" Ei also stood up and walked out of the class with me. "Terrible how? You were still in the top three." I sighed and shrugged. Ei also sighed, already understanding what I meant. "Hmm... if it's about your dad, I can't comment anymore, Ta," she said. "So all this time, this is why you're always rushing home, always unavailable to hang out. Annoying! I'm mad at you!" My forehead furrowed. "Because?" "Because it's so hard to get you to hang out now. I miss you like crazy!" Ei linked her arm through mine, then pulled me to walk faster. "Hehehehe." I could only give a dry laugh, not knowing how else to respond. "Senja, Eko, we're going ahead," she said as we passed them. "See you." I also greeted them, trying to keep up with Ei's rather fast pace. "Yeah. Be careful." Senja smiled as she said that. A smile appeared on my face when I saw her smile. It felt so good to see her doing okay, even after these past few weeks, after that day, after everything. She was okay. We were okay. We still chatted, still joked. The difference was, we both knew our limits. And we could live with it. We were truly fine. "Eh, Ta. Can I ask you something?" Ei asked. "She and I have already agreed, Ei. We just want to be friends. We'll stay friends," I replied. I knew she had wanted to ask this since that day. I knew her behavior by heart. Ei shrugged. "Hmm. Well, that's good," she said. "What time do you finish your lessons?" Ei asked before dropping me off near the gate. "Usually around Maghrib." "Hmmm... it'll be late then." Ei mumbled. "Do you want to go out with Mas Awan on Saturday night?" she asked then. "Why?" "Let's watch a movie! We haven't hung out in ages. You're so busy now. It's so hard to get you to hang out." "Hehehe.. Yeah, I'll tell Mas Awan first." Ei rolled her eyes. "Alright then. I'll wait for your news." I nodded firmly. "There's your prince!" Ei pointed towards Mas Awan, who was waving at us. I just smiled, then went to Mas Awan and let him take me home. "Do you still have class after this, Mas?" I asked on the motorcycle. "No." "Going back to campus?" "No. I really don't have any activities left." Mas Awan slowed down his motorcycle near the railway crossing, which was jammed because a train had just passed. "Mas, Ei asked me to watch a movie on Saturday night." I didn't know if this was the right time to talk about this or not. But, better than nothing to talk about. "With whom?" "Just the two of us." No comment. Mas Awan didn't say anything. He only started talking after slowing down his motorcycle again and finally stopping it in front of the house. "Really just the two of you?" he asked as I got off the back. "Yes." "But there's a big family gathering on Saturday afternoon, Dek. It'll probably go until evening. Did you forget?" Mas Awan held out his hand, asking for my helmet. "Oh, right." I smiled. He returned my smile when I placed the helmet in his hand. "I'm going home now, okay?" he said before leaving after I nodded my head. *** Since picking me up from Senja's house that afternoon, I could no longer count how many times I had found my father staring at me. Just like tonight, as we both sat in front of the television. Father looked at me again, as if there was something he wanted to say. But every time I turned to him, every time I looked back at him, Father would look away or, just like tonight, stand up and leave me. "Why aren't you eating?" Mother, who had just come out of the kitchen, immediately dropped down beside me and stroked my head. "I already ate after my lessons." I lied. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast this morning. It's just that, for some reason, since this afternoon my stomach felt nauseous, I just wanted to vomit, so my appetite was gone. Mother nodded her head. "Homework finished?" "No homework right now," I replied. Mother nodded her head again. Then there was no sound between us except the television. It was quite a while until Mother suddenly asked that question. "Dek," Mother called. I turned to her. "Are you okay?" she then asked. I nodded quickly. "Yes. Why, Mom?" I asked. "Nothing. Mom just wanted to know how you are." Mother shrugged and smiled. "You're so busy now. Lessons every day." "For the future," I replied with a mischievous smile. "Well, Mom is happy if that's the goal, not because you're running from problems." Thump! I tried to force a smile. But I knew it must have looked bad and forced. So I finally chose to just stand up, ready to go into my room. "Mom, I'm going to my room first," I said. Mother looked at me, looking regretful for having said that. But finally, her head nodded too. Mother let me go, letting me climb the stairs without saying anything. *** "What's wrong with you?" I lifted my head, which I had hidden between my knees. Ei sat down beside me. The girl immediately took out a water bottle from her bag and drank its contents. "Are you sick, Ta?" She immediately looked worried when she looked at me. "No, I'm fine. Just didn't get enough sleep last night." I lowered my feet from the bleacher seat I was on. Ei took another sip from her water bottle. It seemed she was deliberately diverting her desire to comment further. The girl turned her gaze towards the swimming pool stretched out before us. Pak Agus was shouting, reminding his boys to stop playing around. "Senja isn't in again. That kid is really skipping school more often now." Ei closed her water bottle. "She's already set a record for frequent absences," she said again, turning to me. I stood up, grabbing my bag containing my wet swimsuit and toiletries. "I'm going home first, Ei," I said. Ei didn't stand up, just watched me, her gaze following me without saying anything. Even when I truly left her, just walked past her and went down the stairs leading to the front room and the exit of the swimming pool building. I then dragged my feet to the gate. Mas Awan was already waiting there. "You look so weak. How many laps did you do?" I only answered Mas Awan's question with a smile, took the helmet from his hand, put it on, then got on the back of the motorcycle. My body felt even worse, more chaotic than yesterday, than a few days ago. My stomach also felt more unclear, more nauseous. I had been holding back from vomiting, including conserving my words. And the short conversation with Ei just now successfully made me even less inclined to talk. "Dek, I have a lecture at half past eight, so I probably won't have time for breakfast first." "It's okay," I replied. Coincidentally. I didn't have an appetite either. I quickly got off Mas Awan's motorcycle, dragged my feet back into the house, and hurried to change into my uniform. Luckily, my bag was already prepared from last night. So I didn't need to spend much time. "I'm sorry, okay?" Mas Awan greeted me on the porch with a regretful face. "It's okay," I replied. He then immediately started his motorcycle and took me to school. "Will Dad pick you up this afternoon?" I nodded and quickly left him, walking fast into the school. But then, again, my steps stopped at the classroom door. Again, I stood frozen there, my eyes fixed on the desk in front of the teacher's table, which was still empty this morning. Damn! I cursed inwardly, condemning my conversation with Ei at the swimming pool this morning. Why did she have to bring up Senja's issue so suddenly? Why today? Why discuss it again? Just as I placed my bag on the desk, my stomach suddenly protested, starting to feel very painful and nauseous. I couldn't take it anymore until I finally ran to the bathroom. When I returned to class, all I did was try my best to avoid Ei's gaze, avoid any conversation with her, not wanting her to worry even more. "Are you okay, Ta?" Ei asked as the sixth period began. I thought I had managed to make her believe I was fine. I quickly lifted my head and put on a wide smile. "I'm fine, Ei." But this was Ei, who certainly wouldn't just believe my words. She quickly reached out and felt my forehead. I resigned myself. "Your body is warm. I'll take you to the infirmary, okay?" she said. "No, Ei. I'll be going home soon anyway. I'm fine," I replied. "Taaa... Your face is so pale." That worried tone began to be heard in Ei's voice. "Don't be stubborn. Let's go to the infirmary!" Ei insisted, forcing me to stand up. Again, I resigned myself, lifted my head from the desk, then stood up. I let Ei loop her arm through mine, accompanying me as I walked, before I felt the world spin and my body began to sag and then fall to the floor. I could still hear Ei's panicked calls and the sound of footsteps approaching me. I also still could feel my body being lifted, but I couldn't do anything. My body felt so weak, and my eyes wouldn't open, no matter how hard I tried. Eko was the first person I saw when I opened my eyes. He was standing near the infirmary door. "Finally awake." I turned and found Pak Sardjono, the teacher in charge of the infirmary, standing beside me. "Dizzy?" he asked. "Yes," I replied silently. My head was indeed still quite dizzy, and my body felt weak. "Alright. Rest first. I've asked Dewi to get you something sweet to drink. After this, you drink it, okay?" Pak Sardjono said again. "I've already called your parents. Your father is on his way here." I just gave a bitter smile, only able to prepare myself to hear my father's scolding when he arrived. "Alright. I'll leave you now," Pak Sardjono said. "You stay with Rekta for a bit, okay?" he said to Eko before leaving the infirmary. Eko approached the bed I was on as soon as Pak Sardjono left. "Isn't it still class?" I asked, almost silently. "Yes," he replied curtly. "Then?" "Couldn't concentrate in class either," he said. I looked at him, waiting for him to explain. Eko sighed and then handed me his phone. The phone screen lit up, showing an incoming call. I could only sigh along when I knew who was calling. "You answer it. He's been calling non-stop." I pushed the phone back to him. "You do it. Just tell him I'm fine." Heavily, Eko took his phone and pressed the answer button. "Yes, Ja?" he asked. He was silent for a moment. "Yes. He's awake. He's fine. Yes." Eko sighed as the call was disconnected. He stood silently, looking at me. I knew he wanted to talk to me about something. So I waited. "I've held back from commenting for a long time. From interfering in your business. But you two have really gone too far," he said. "Especially you!" Eko paused again, sighed again. "I don't really know what's going on with you two. But, can I ask you not to be selfish, to think about other people too? At least, don't cause trouble for others like this?" This was the first time Eko had spoken that much. This was the first time I had seen Eko truly annoyed. I looked away, no longer able to meet Eko's eyes. So, just like everyone else, he blamed me even without knowing the real situation. Again, I was wrong. I was selfish. Even though all of this I did for others, for my father, for Mas Awan, for Senja, for the good of all of them. But still, I was the selfish one. "Dewi and I already..." Eko didn't finish his sentence. I immediately turned to him. Eko turned away as Ei arrived in a flurry. "Alhamdulillah... She's finally awake!" Ei exclaimed with relief. Eko then chose to leave the infirmary, accompanied by Ei's puzzled gaze. "Drink this first, Ta." She quickly helped me sit up and then helped me drink a glass of warm sweet tea she had brought, not commenting on Eko at all. "Thanks," I said, returning the glass to Ei. Ei nodded. She then took out a phone from her shirt pocket. My phone. "When I took this from the drawer, there were several missed calls from Senja and WhatsApp messages. I didn't dare open them. But sorry, Ta. I answered Senja's call earlier. Sorry I told him you fainted. I was so panicked, I didn't have time to think straight." "That panicked?" I asked, opening the call log. There were seven missed calls from Senja. "I've never actually seen someone faint before, you know?! I didn't know what to do. Especially since it was you who fainted. And suddenly. Next time if you're going to faint, give me a heads-up so I can be prepared!" I laughed softly. But my laugh immediately turned into a bitter smile when I opened a text message from Senja. Langit Senja: Rekta, are you okay? "Why, Ta?" Ei held my hand and read the text message with me. "This was during break time, before you fainted." Even without being told, I knew. "Maybe this is what parents call 'numusi', Ta. If you think about someone a lot, they say you get a bad feeling if something happens to the person you're thinking about." "You believe in that stuff?" I asked. "Don't you? Haven't you ever felt that way? Like a premonition if something happened to Sen..... Mas Awan?" I didn't answer her question. The girl just stared at me silently. "Why?" I asked. Ei sighed before answering me. It seemed hard for her to say what she was about to say. "If this is about Senja, I don't want to hear it, Ei," I said quickly before she could answer my question. "Ta, do you really not want to know what's wrong with Senja? Don't you want to know why he's been skipping school more often lately?" "He'll be fine," I replied. Ei still stared at me, into my eyes. "How are things with Mas Awan?" "Fine," I replied curtly. "You're not fine," Ei said, analyzing me. "I am fine, really," I replied with a laugh. "Ta, you can lie to everyone else, go ahead. But don't lie to yourself." Ei crossed her arms over her chest. "You can say that you and Mas Awan are fine. But the truth is, your relationship is critical." I was silent. "You don't want to let go of Mas Awan, you don't want to hurt him. But you can't stop thinking about Senja. You're holding onto Mas Awan, even though you need Senja." "It's not like that, Ei," I said. "And I don't need Senja." "You're no longer at the stage of wanting him, Ta. You need him. You need Senja. Don't you realize? For these past two months, you've been like a zombie, lifeless. No matter how hard you laugh, how wide you smile, I can still see the pain in your heart." My eyes still stared at her, but I couldn't say anything. I just took a long breath, trying to lessen the pain in my chest, which was now hurting even more. Even though it had been two months. Even though I had done everything to forget him. I had filled my time with activities I could do. I finally gave in to my father's wishes and took private lessons three times a week. The rest of the time I used for English lessons. But still, every time I went to sleep, I would still end up on Senja's Facebook page, and every time I arrived in class, I would still freeze at the classroom door for a moment, just to gaze at the desk in the front corner. "You can't forget Senja, Ta." "I can, Ei. I just need time," I replied softly. Ei sighed. "Ta, how long have we known each other?" she asked. I didn't answer her. "We've known each other for almost five years, Ta. And all that time still hasn't made you trust me?" "No, Ei," I replied quickly. "I trust you." "Then why are you lying to me? Why can't you be honest with me? You always say you're fine. You're not fine, Ta." Ei repeated her earlier words. "Ta, I care about you. But all of that means nothing if you don't care about yourself." "What do you mean?" Ei's eyes looked straight into mine, peeling back my skin, exposing me. "You were more alive, happier when you were with Senja. You became a different person. But, it felt so good to see you then. You always smiled, you could laugh freely, you were a human with feelings then, not a zombie like now." "Everything has consequences. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be happy if the people around me aren't." "Ta, we can't make everyone happy." Ei forced me to look at her. "Okay, maybe now you can protect Mas Awan's feelings. You're not hurting Mas Awan. Now. But you're hurting yourself. Honestly, I don't want to see you like this. You also deserve to be happy." "I'm fine." My tone had started to rise. "The one you love is Senja, Ta. Not Mas Awan." "I already told you, Ei. I just need time. I will try to love him. Besides, love doesn't have to mean possession, right?" There was a pause. Ei was silent again, her eyes still on me. I turned my gaze towards the door, to anything but her eyes. "You're committing suicide," Ei said softly. "Even worse, you're inviting Senja to commit suicide!" "Senja?" I asked. "He's fine!" Yes, Senja was fine. He hadn't changed much. "Turns out all this time it wasn't Senja who was blind, but you," she said. Those words pierced me deeper than the previous ones. "You're the one who's blind. You can't see that your decision has hurt both of you." Once again, I cast my gaze to the floor. My head was then filled with Senja. To me, he hadn't changed. He still smiled, still laughed, nothing at all had changed. "Ta, don't make a decision you'll regret later. Why can't you fight for your own happiness?" That question arose again from a different head. Why couldn't I fight for my own happiness? "Ei, please understand me. I can't." Ei couldn't say anything else. We were silent, both looking away, searching for anything to look at besides each other, not saying anything else. To be continued