My left hand moved to grope the top of the table next to the bed as I was woken by my phone's alarm. I quickly grabbed it when I found it and tried to turn off the rather loud alarm. Fortunately, this morning it only took one try and the alarm stopped immediately. Good. Sometimes it takes me several attempts to make the sound stop because my brain isn't fully awake yet.
My fingers tapped the screen a few more times, checking for any incoming messages after I fell asleep last night. A few messages in the office WhatsApp group about a meeting plan for Monday morning, some messages from community groups I follow. That was all. Nothing interesting. The message I was hoping for wasn't there, or maybe it just hadn't come in yet. Oh well.
"Senjaaaa, dawn!" Arik's voice, my younger sister, from outside the room sounded quite loud, accompanied by a knock on the bedroom door.
I stretched and took a fairly deep breath. "Yesss," I replied lazily before finally getting out of bed, opening the door, and finding the same warm greeting as every day.
"The alarm's been ringing for ages!" Arik shouted from inside her room.
"But I already turned it off."
"Yeah. Ages later."
As usual, I ignored her. My steps to the bathroom were still heavy with sleepiness because I couldn't sleep last night, hoping cold water would wake my body up better. I quickly returned to my room for dawn prayers after performing ablution. When I finished, there was a notification sound for an incoming message on my phone. One voice message came in.
"I fell asleep last nighttt." Your voice, followed by a small laugh, still had a very noticeable sleepiness in it.
Then another voice message came in.
"I'm on morning duty today. Later there's a station exam and a practical exam. I hope my patients today are cooperative."
I tapped the screen in the bottom right corner and then recorded a voice message.
"I hope they're cooperative. Good luck with your exam."
The voice message was sent. Not long after, there was an incoming call tone.
"Just woke up?" I greeted.
"Hehehe.. Yeah. I was really tired yesterday. There were so many patients in the ward."
"Had your dawn prayers?"
"I'm off today. I only woke up early so I could call you before getting ready for duty."
"You're getting better at flirting every day."
"Yeah. I learned it from you." Then there was your small laugh again.
I smiled. The same response every time I heard your voice. Even since the very first time.
***
"Nang, can you wait here for a moment? Dad needs to sort out your documents first."
I obeyed, standing and leaning against the wall near the exit, waiting for Dad. The school was quite busy today. There was an announcement about class assignments and preparations for new student orientation next week. I myself had already started orientation today. Environmental orientation with a teacher to know where the classrooms, laboratories, bathrooms, and other places they felt I needed to know were.
"Which class are you in?"
"Have you seen where your class is?"
Voices were quite boisterous around me. Many must have already arrived, but I don't think this is everyone yet. In this school, there are ten classes per grade, with forty students in each class. This means if all students were present, there would be twelve hundred people. It would definitely be even busier than this.
I leaned my head against the wall behind me and closed my eyes, letting the sounds of conversations and their passing footsteps drift around me.
"Tataaa!!"
Automatically, I tilted my body to the right, moving away from the loud and sudden sound source nearby. It seemed the owner of the voice who had just shouted noticed my surprise.
"Oh, sorry.. sorry.. Did I startle you?" she said.
"It's okay." I nodded.
"I'm really sorry," she said again.
I nodded again and smiled, trying to look more convincing that I was indeed fine.
"Ta! We're in the same classss!" she said again then. Definitely not to me.
"Same class, Ei? Ugh.. Are we in the same class again? I'm so bored, you know, three years in junior high with you, and now high school again?"
This voice. Somehow, I couldn't stop myself from smiling when I heard it. Your voice.
"Oh, fine. I'll just go to the counseling office and ask to change classes."
"Hahahaha... sulking... Alright, let's go see the class!"
I then could no longer hear your voices, lost amidst other sounds and distance.
Tata. I nodded my head and smiled. Yes, I must have been smiling to myself like an idiot.
***
"Done with your call?" Arik greeted as I came out of the room. There was the sound of the television reporting on a market fire from yesterday afternoon.
"Hmmm.." I walked past her. "Was the fire bad?" I asked, stepping into the dining room.
"Terrible. The eastern part of the market was completely destroyed. Poor vendors, many didn't have time to save their goods." Arik followed me to the dining room. "Want to eat now?" she asked.
"Where's Umi?" I asked.
"To the market. Hey, are you going to eat now or not?"
"Yes. I'm hungry." I took a plate from the rack near the sink and went to the dining table. "What's for breakfast?"
Arik lifted the food cover in front of me and hung it on the wall near the dining table.
"Sour green bean stew with fried chicken, mendoan, rice," Arik said, taking the plate from my hand.
"Wow.. fried chicken. Awesome." I pulled out a chair and sat down, letting Arik serve me breakfast, placing it in front of me.
"Oh, have you had your insulin?" she asked.
I shook my head, putting on a wide smile, ready to receive her scolding.
"Hmph! You're so habitual! You don't care about your own body. After all these years, you still need to be reminded!" Her scolding faded towards the kitchen.
I just smiled, listening to her.
The chair to my left was pulled out and then occupied. Arik quickly helped check my blood sugar and inject insulin. This morning, she gave the injection through my left arm. Usually, when injecting myself, I prefer the abdomen, near the navel. It's easier for me to access with both hands. The pain is the same. It's just such a small needle. I don't really care about it.
"Good little sister..." I wiped the alcohol swab over the injection site.
"Just because you came out first doesn't mean you get to feel older. As the Javanese say..."
"The older sibling was born later because they yielded to the younger one." I cut in quickly, already familiar with this, we discussed it almost every day. "Yes, yes... But I'm still older by age," I defended. I never got tired of hearing her snort. It felt lonely if this fierce girl wasn't scolding.
"Proud of a mere fifteen-minute difference," she said. Her voice faded towards the kitchen again, as she returned the injection to the fridge.
"Not working overtime today?" I asked. "Hey, Rik. Bring me a glass too, please. I forgot to get a drink!"
It didn't take long before the sound of a glass being placed on the table was heard.
"Near your right hand," Arik said.
I touched the glass near my right hand, which she had filled with cold water. Ah, she's really thoughtful.
"No overtime. Lazy. I've been working overtime for days preparing for accreditation. No way I'm doing overtime again."
The chair to my left was pulled out again, and Arik sat back down.
"What are you doing today? Got a date?" she asked.
I shook my head. "The one I'm dating isn't off. He has an exam today, he said. And on Monday, he's moving to a new practice room, starting in the morning. So it seems he won't be coming home this week because he has to prepare a preliminary report for that practice room on Monday."
"Be patienttt.. See? I told you not to date a nursing student, they have so much homework, and it's all handwritten, they say. On top of that, they still have night shifts."
"It's okay. When they graduate, they'll be professional nurses, experts in caring for body and heart, physical and spiritual." I ended my defense with a smile.
"Do you realize your cheesy lines make me nauseous, Ja?" Arik asked, her mouth full of food.
"Hey, why have you started eating already?" I protested, trying to reach for her hand, stopping her from spooning more food.
"What?!" Arik pulled away from my hand. "It's your own fault! You know you have to inject first, then wait fifteen minutes. I don't. Why would I wait for you?" She spooned more food and deliberately made her chewing sounds audible.
Ugly thing. Her face must be as annoying as I remember it. Sometimes, at moments like this, I wish I could see her face. I want to know how much her face has changed now. The last time I saw her was when we were in sixth grade. I think. The last time I could see her clearly enough. After that, all I could see was a blurry image, and now there's almost nothing. Only a very little bit left.
"What's wrong, Ja?" Arik asked. Even though she's fierce, she's not good at hiding her worries. "Why are you suddenly spacing out?"
"Hmmm, nothing." I started spooning rice and side dishes from the plate into my mouth.
"Fine, if you don't want to say."
I ignored her. Suddenly, I remembered hearing your voice that afternoon again.
***
"Did you read the list of our classmates' names earlier, Ta?"
You two were out again.
"No. I didn't check at all, actually. I just followed you to the class, looked at it, and then left again. Why?"
"Nothing."
"Why? You're making me curious!"
"Nothing."
"Fine, if you don't want to say."
There was no continuation of that conversation. You didn't force an explanation. So quick to give up.
"Who's picking you up?"
"Mas Awan. Hey, let's just wait there, Ei. Is it okay to sit on that?"
Perhaps you meant the low wall not far in front of me. As I recall, that waist-high wall was quite wide and could indeed be sat on.
"You can. But it might be impolite, Ta. Remember you're a girl. How can you climb up like that?"
"If it's a guy, is it okay?"
"If it's a guy, it's probably fine. He's a guy."
"That's so unfair. Even something like this is sexist. How many opportunities have we missed, huh? So many things we could actually do but deliberately don't just because they're not 'for girls'."
"Hmmmm... starting to ramble..."
I smiled again. I was wrong. You weren't quick to give up after all. You just didn't want to prolong a conversation you deemed unimportant. Isn't that right?
"Hello? Yes, Mas. I'm done. I'm outside now. Well, still in the courtyard, actually. Near the east exit of the building. Do you want to come in and pick me up, or should I come out?" You were silent for a moment. "Oh, okay. Just let me know when you arrive. Yes, it's fine if I come out."
Suddenly, I felt like a stalker, listening to your every word. Usually, I'm not like this. Usually, I don't care about my surroundings, about people and all their conversations. But, for some reason, I really liked hearing your voice.
"Still have to wait, Ta?"
"Yeah, Ei. He just left home, he said."
"So where are you going after this?"
"Home, of course. Uh, I don't really know. Mas Awan doesn't have class today. But most likely, we'll go to the mall."
I should have stopped listening to you here. It was clear that the person you were talking about now wasn't your brother.
"Always going to the mall. Aren't you bored? Why always go to the mall for dates?"
"Well, what can I do? He likes it that way. There's no harm in just going along with it. No loss either."
I heard you smile, but I didn't like it. I didn't like hearing the smile in your words just now. It felt bitter.
The phone in my pants pocket vibrated. I quickly pulled it out, answering the call.
"Senja," I said, answering the call.
"Not finished yet, dear?" Umi's voice was on the other end of the line.
"Not yet, Mi. Dad is still handling the documents."
"Is it very crowded there?"
"Yes. Quite crowded. Many people came today to check class announcements and for next week's orientation."
"But your orientation is done?"
"Yes."
I felt someone touch my left shoulder, making me lower the phone from my ear.
"Was that your Umi calling?" Dad asked.
I nodded and handed him the phone.
"It's finished now, just a moment ago. Yes, we're going straight home."
Dad returned the phone. "She hung up. She told us to go straight home," Dad said. "Let's go home!"
Dad offered his arm. I put my phone back into my pants pocket, then held Dad's left arm and followed his steps, breaking through the crowd, passing you.
"You really didn't read the name list earlier, Ta?"
"Oh, come on. I said no. I really didn't read it. What's up, Ei?"
Your voices became fainter as my steps moved further away. Is it okay if I think you two were talking about my name?
***
The bedroom door was knocked. I took off the headset plugging my ears and turned towards the door.
"Single again this Saturday night, huh?"
I smiled. Ah, Umi. "Arik is such a blabbermouth, isn't she?"
"Aren't you missing him?" Umi walked past me and sat on the bed.
"Not really, Mi. It's fine."
"Don't you want to follow him to Jogja?"
"He has an exam today, Mi. Tomorrow he'll also be busy writing reports. I'd just bother him if I went there."
"You're just like your father. So insensitive."
I felt Umi ruffle the top of my head before hearing her footsteps move away, heading towards the door.
"As a man, you should be a little more sensitive, Nang," Umi said again before leaving my room.
Without needing to think twice, I searched for my phone, feeling the table to the right of my laptop, where I had placed it earlier. I quickly opened the WhatsApp application and tapped the top row, on our chat space that I had intentionally pinned there.
Senja: I'm going to Jogja this afternoon, okay?
I quickly typed and sent the message. I then closed our chat, switching to open the chat with Arik, which I had pinned right below it.
Senja: Take me to the station. I'm going to Jogja this afternoon.
I then turned off my laptop. I had just stood up when I heard quick footsteps approaching the room.
"Hey, can you not be so sudden like this? I already have plans, you know!" Arik protested from the doorway.
"I know. But your hibernation can be postponed, right? It's just to this nearby station."
"Going alone? What about when you get there? Where do you want to get off?"
"Just get off at Tugu Station. It'll be easy once I get there," I replied, opening the closet and looking for a change of clothes.
My phone rang, an incoming call. I felt the table, grabbing the device quickly once I found it.
"Are you really coming here?" you asked when I answered the call.
"Yes. Am I bothering you?"
"Of course not, Jaaa.. Youuu.. Alright, I'll pick you up at Tugu, okay? Thanks, darling. Be careful on the way. I love you," you said.
"Yes. Me too," I replied, holding back a smile. Amused by the enthusiasm in your voice.
"Me too what?" You demanded.
"I love you too. Alright, finish your exam first."
"My exam is done. The practical exam too. I asked to go first earlier. Now I just have to wait for three other friends. That's why I could sneak some time to the locker room, check my phone. And then I got good news."
"Alright, go on. Finish your report first."
"Got it. Be careful. I love you, really.. I love you so much."
This time, I could no longer hold back my laughter, just like that time.
***
The door to the ward opened, and I heard the sound of a bed being pushed into the empty cubicle next to mine. Yes, I was in the hospital again. Again. I've always been a regular at hospitals. But this was the first time in this city, already the third day after almost a week of being treated at home and my diarrhea wouldn't subside.
"New patient, Rik?" I asked.
"Hmmm," replied Arik, who was on duty to accompany me this afternoon. A reply I took as a yes.
I heard the nurse who escorted her in explain about fall risk prevention and room orientation. The same things they always explain to every new patient.
"Total bed rest," a woman said. Her voice was different from the nurse's. "Basically, Mom doesn't want to hear reports of you getting out of bed. You'll bathe there, and pee there using a bedpan. All your Widal lab results are positive. All high. You absolutely must have total rest."
"But I can't pee in bed, Mom. What if it leaks?"
You. I couldn't possibly be mistaken. That was your voice.
"Fine. Later Mom will tell the nurse to put in a catheter too. You'll pee through a tube so you have no excuses. If necessary, we'll put in an NGT too so you eat through a tube."
"Hehehehe... no, Mom. No. I can pee using a bedpan."
Just like our previous encounter, I couldn't help but smile when I heard your voice.
"Why are you smiling?" Arik's voice was very close, quite startling.
"Oh, this. It's funny." I pointed to the headset plugging one ear.
A lie. It wasn't possible for me to say I was smiling because I heard your voice from behind the thick curtain separating our cubicles.
"Oh." That was her only comment. She then dropped back onto the sofa bed under the window. Probably re-immersing herself in the fantasy novel she was reading earlier.
"Excuse me. Ms. Rekta Adisti Utomo?" a woman asked. The same nurse from earlier, I presumed.
Rekta Adisti. Tata. I no longer heard what the woman was saying because my head was filled with your name. I even typed your name into the Google search bar just to know what it meant.
"Rekta in Javanese means red." The screen reader's voice immediately sounded when I tapped the screen. "Adisti in Sanskrit means sun." That voice was heard after I swiped with one finger on the screen.
Rekta Adisti. Red Sun. Red sun. Afternoon sun. Ah, again I couldn't help but smile.
"Ta?" A man's voice this time. There was a strong sense of anxiety in it.
"Oh, Mas."
"Oh, Awan. You're so fast. You said you were still at home earlier. Were you speeding?"
"Not speeding, Auntie. Just a little fast. Hehehe..."
"Can you look after Tata for a bit? Auntie needs to go to the pharmacy first. Her father is on duty this afternoon, he can't leave work yet. Maybe after Maghrib prayers, he can visit again."
"Oh, yes, Auntie."
I tried once more to tell myself to stop listening to the voices from next door, from behind that curtain. But the room was too quiet, and I hadn't played anything on my phone since earlier. I had deliberately put on my headset so Arik wouldn't have to bother finding conversation topics to ward off the silence between us.
"You, you know? You already know you had typhoid before. Why did you get it again? You should be taking better care of yourself."
"Yes... Sorry," you said. As if not wanting the conversation to continue.
"Sorry, but you keep repeating it. How can that be? Are you eating street food indiscriminately?"
"I knowww."
"Fine." His voice sounded impatient. "Don't give me that overly sweet smile. I'm worried, you know, Ta!"
"Yes, Mas. Sorry for making you worry. I promise to eat regularly, cleanly, and not eat street food indiscriminately again. Okay?" you said.
"Alright. The important thing is you've received treatment. Your temperature seems to be rising again."
"Ah, what is it! Don't touch my head."
"Why? I just wanted to check if you had a fever again."
"Don't. You might find a nail in my head."
This time, I truly couldn't hold back my laughter. I was sure you heard it because your conversation immediately stopped. Damn it.
"What are you listening to, Ja? You've been smiling all this time, it seems?" Arik asked curiously. Fortunately, she asked.
"Oooh.. This, the novel is funny," I replied, lying to her again. I hope she doesn't know. After all, I had been holding my phone all this time.
The curtain of my cubicle was drawn open, then footsteps stopped at the foot of the bed.
"Good afternoon, with Mas Langit Senja, right?” asked the nurse who had given you the explanation earlier. "Since you can go home today, I'd like to ask permission to remove your IV," she continued after I assented.
"Actually, you don't have to, Nurse. I'm happy when he's on an IV. He's easier to manage that way," Arik said in a flat tone.
The nurse laughed, then once again asked permission to remove the IV from my hand.
"I'm going to pull out the IV, please take a deep breath, Mas, okay?" she said.
I obeyed, taking a deep breath, feeling something being pulled out of the vein on the back of my left hand, followed by a slight pressure at the puncture site. The nurse then applied a plaster there.
"Done. Just waiting for the administration to be completed. Oh, and here's a prescription for medication to take at home."
"Pick it up now?" Arik asked.
"You may, Mbak. You can pick it up now while waiting for the administration to be completed. It's also fine to pick it up later. Excuse me."
The nurse's footsteps were clearly heard moving away.
"I'm going to the pharmacy first, okay? If anything happens, call," Arik said, picking up her bag from the nightstand drawer next to the bed.
I nodded.
"Ta, I'm stepping out for a moment. I have a call."
The man's voice from the cubicle next door was heard again as soon as Arik left. I hadn't paid much attention to it when the nurse was here earlier.
There was the sound of a door opening and then closing again. Okay. So, now it was just the two of us here.
"Oh, it's almost half past five."
I heard your voice, talking to yourself, I think.
"Mas next door," you called.
I frowned. Me?
"Me?" I asked.
"Yes. Um.. could I ask for a favor?" you asked.
"I'll try my best," I replied, feigning calmness.
"I'm not allowed to get out of bed, and you're near the window. Could I ask you to look out the window and tell me if the sky is clear or cloudy?"
I smiled bitterly. "Why?" I asked.
"Mmmmmm... this might sound strange. But I love watching the evening sky. I like to hang out and watch the evening sky when I'm home. It just feels sad if I don't get to see it this evening."
My breath then came out in a long sigh.
"It's clear. Just a few clouds," I lied.
"It must be really beautiful, right? A bright red," you said, then continued with a story about your favorite sky color and how you usually spent time with it every evening.
My smile turned bitter again. It should be beautiful if it were truly clear. I didn't know, wouldn't know. I couldn't see it. I couldn't even see when I raised my palm in front of my face. There were only faint moving images amidst the black spots that had already covered almost my entire vision.
"Oh, sorry. I ended up talking a lot," you said.
"It's okay," I replied. I like it, I thought to myself. "Why the evening sky?" I asked again, not wanting to stop here.
"Evening is at the end of the day, a time to reflect on what you've done all day. How many mistakes you've made. How much good you've given to others. And also to remind yourself that everything will have an end. Whatever it is. Including life."
That answer was quite long and surprising. I don't know, I just didn't expect to hear such an answer from you.
"Thank you," you said.
"You're welcome."
***
Arik touched my arm, making me quickly grasp her arm above her left elbow.
"Still got the ticket?" I asked.
"Got it. Departs at twelve twenty. But I think you can go in already. Are you sure you don't want company?"
"Then what would you do there? Be a third wheel?"
"I'd bother you two, of course! No way I'm being a third wheel!"
She stopped walking, making me stop too. The platform attendant asked for my boarding pass and KTP, then offered to guide me to the waiting seat even without being asked.
"I'm gonna be fine," I said to Arik.
"Yeah.. yeah... Alright. I'm leaving," she said.
I waved one hand and then let the station attendant guide me to the waiting seat and invited me to sit down.
"I'll come back here when the train is about to arrive, Mas," he said before leaving me.
"Yes. Thank you, Mas."
The phone in my bag vibrated. I quickly pulled it out and brought it to my ear because I had intentionally set the screen reader's volume low so as not to disturb people around me. There was a voice message from you.
"Can't wait to see you."
I quickly replied.
"See you in no time."
Sent.
"Senja?"
I lifted my face, lowering the phone from my ear.
"Yes?" I could see someone standing in front of me now, but I couldn't tell who it was.
"It's me, Kaia," she said.
To be continued