I felt Kaia sit beside me. We were campus friends back then, different majors, but part of the same student organization.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Jogja."
"Wow, me too. I'm also going to Jogja. The twelve-twenty Prameks, right?"
I nodded.
"Which station are you getting off at?"
"Tugu."
"Yes, I have company. Me too. I'm meeting up with college friends for a reunion there, hanging out in Malioboro. But I overslept, so they left without me, that's why I'm alone. Luckily I ran into you. Nice, someone to chat with."
All I did was nod. There was a slight sense of calm too, knowing I wouldn't really be going to Jogja alone after all. I had been to Jogja several times, but I didn't remember much about the station's condition. Yes, I could actually ask the train or station staff for help, but it would still be different if there was someone I already knew.
"How many years has it been since we last met, Ja? Three years, I think?"
"I think so. You were the first to ditch the organization."
"Hahahaha... 'ditch,' how rude. I was in my final semester back then, had to focus on my thesis, so I cut back on organizational activities. I still came to the basecamp often, you know. But I never ran into you."
She was indeed in her seventh semester when she started becoming inactive in the organization. I was still in my third semester, still considered a new kid. But she didn't want to be called 'Mbak' once she found out we were the same age. I had actually stopped school for two full years before.
"What are you going to Jogja for?"
"Spending Saturday night."
"Oh right, your girlfriend used to study in Jogja, didn't she? Is she still studying?"
"Still. She's continuing with her professional degree."
"Oooh..."
I could feel her nodding from the rustle of her long, loose hair.
"You two have lasted, huh? If I'm not mistaken, you've been dating since high school, right?"
I nodded. "Yes."
"But still, be careful, Ja. Long relationships don't always mean it's meant to be. Especially long-distance ones. There are bound to be many temptations."
"Are you venting?"
"Hahahahaha... yes. Annoying."
Kaia didn't ask anything else; she seemed to be browsing social media on her phone. I occasionally heard her soft laughter and the sound of a video she was watching.
"Hey, can I get your number, Ja? Turns out I don't have it saved."
"It's in the group, isn't it?"
"Is it? I haven't saved it yet, then, Hahahaha... Which one?"
I then told her my phone number.
"Ooh... right, right. There's no photo either, though."
"I haven't saved your number either, then."
"Huuu... like that. What about Instagram? Do you have one?"
My head shook slowly. "I rarely use social media."
"Is your Facebook still active, though?"
"Still. Even if I rarely open it."
The girl didn't say anything else; I guess she went back to focusing on her phone. I only felt her straighten up when there was an announcement that our train would be entering the station and an officer approached me.
"Excuse me, Sir. The train is about to arrive; you can get ready now."
"Oh, right." I stood up and got ready.
Kaia walked with me into the train.
"It's nice to get a priority seat," Kaia said as we sat down.
"Just be blind then, Kai. You'll always get priority," I replied casually.
"Uh, sorry, Ja. I didn't mean it like that."
"Hahaha... yes, I know."
I knew she didn't mean anything by saying that. It was my fault too; I still found it hard to shake off my sarcasm. Sometimes I was just joking, but they took it like this, making them awkward. Unlike you. You, without me having to do anything, often get flustered on your own in front of me.
***
"Rekta!"
The voice of Ms. Yulia, who was teaching English today, was clearly heard calling your name. The call was met with a slight commotion, suppressed giggles, and whispers in the classroom.
"What's up, Ko?" I asked Eko, who was sitting beside me.
"Oh, I think Rekta just fell asleep, that's why she's being told to come to the front and practice describing people ." Eko's voice sounded rather indifferent to what was happening.
Asleep? After you made a fuss this morning looking for your Biology workbook just because someone asked about homework, even though there was no Biology class today, and now you're sleeping in class.
"Hi. I'm Rekta. I'm a hundred and fifty five centimeters tall. I have black wavy hair and dark brown eyes. I have dimples in both my cheeks?" The sentence ended with a questioning tone, as if you weren't quite sure what to say .
But, e somehow, a smile suddenly spread across my face, and I couldn't hold it back.
"Very good, Rekta," said Ms. Yulia. "Now please describe about one of your classmate ."
I waited. Ms. Yulia must be scanning the student roster now.
"Langit Senja," she then said.
I waited again. This time with a little more excitement, curious about what you would say about me. But after several minutes of waiting, I still didn't hear your voice.
"What's up, Ko?"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am. But I don't really know him. I just met him today. " You pleaded with Ms. Yulia, saving me the trouble of demanding an answer from Eko. I think I knew what was happening.
"Oh no no no. You just need to describe his appearance. What does he look like?"
It felt like a victory when that answer came from Ms. Yulia's mouth. Here we go.
"Langit Senja." You paused. "He's maybe one hundred and seventy centimeters tall. He has straight black hair, black eyes…., " you explained.
My smile was so wide. Did you see?
"And a beautiful smile ," you then continued.
My head immediately bowed, trying to hide my widening smile as the class erupted again with laughter and 'awws' here and there until Ms. Yulia struggled to quiet them. Eko, who was usually indifferent, also spoke up.
"Why, Ko?" I asked.
"I think he has a crush on you, Ja. He said that last part while looking at you. And now he looks really embarrassed."
You know? I hadn't smiled this wide in quite a long time.
***
I immediately looked for my shoes and put them on as soon as I left the station prayer room. My hand reached into my bag, took out my cane, then straightened it. Now I had to find someone to ask for directions. I forgot where the exit was.
"Excuse me," I said when I found someone standing not far from me. "Which way is the station exit?"
"Oh, just straight ahead, Sir," he said, then quickly left without giving me a chance to ask further.
Just straight ahead. Great. Very helpful. I took a deep breath. I didn't even know what 'there' meant. My fault. It wasn't my first time here, yet I always forgot where the exit was.
"Senja."
I lifted my face towards the voice that had just called my name.
"Oh, you're still here?" I asked.
"Yeah. Just finished praying. Where are you meeting your girlfriend?"
"Haven't arranged it yet, actually. I forgot."
"I'll just accompany you to the front, okay? Because the side exit opens directly onto the roadside, it's quite busy."
I nodded, letting Kaia lead me out of the station again. She seemed to have a little trouble when we reached the roadside. From what I could tell by the sounds, this road was indeed quite busy. Several times I heard vehicle engines very close to us.
"Let's just wait in the waiting room, okay, Ja?" Kaia asked after we had walked for a while. She led me up some stairs then stopped. "There's a seat in front of you."
I bent down, felt in front of me, and found a knee-high metal bench.
"Okay. Thanks, Kai."
"You're welcome. I'm happy I got to see you again. Sometime, let's organize a reunion for our English student club committee, okay? I miss all of you."
"Just keep in touch."
"Oh, wait. Can we take a photo together? I'll show it off in the group."
I didn't refuse, put on my best smile, and followed her cues.
"Thanks, Jaaa... See you again."
"Yep. Thanks for all your help today."
"Aaah, don't mention it. Like we're strangers. I'm leaving now, okay?"
I waved goodbye to her then sat down. I had to contact you right away. On the train, I had chatted too much with Kaia about old college stories and forgot to arrange a meeting place with you.
"One fifty PM." The voice sounded after I tapped the time display on my phone screen. That meant you'd only be able to leave the hospital where you were doing your internship in ten minutes.
Quickly, I opened WhatsApp and entered our chat.
Langit Senja: I'm in the waiting room
I sent the message. I then opened the office chat group, which was already full of messages. The content was still the same, about the meeting planned for Monday. The office where I work will be holding a product exhibition this month, and the preparations will be discussed in tomorrow's meeting. Because the event is quite big, preparations need to be thorough. So Mr. Banu, our manager, wanted daily progress reports on the preparations in the group.
A new message came into the reunion group for former English student club committee members from back in college. A group that had been quiet for a long time. It must be Kaia.
Kaia : Guess who I ran into today?
"Photo by Kaia." The screen reader's voice then sounded as I made a swipe.
See, I told you. She must have sent the photo we took earlier. Soon after, new messages came in from other group members. The reunion started again. Where do you live now? Where do you work? Are you married yet? The same questions that always came up every time we caught up in the group after a period of silence. I just enjoyed it, answering their questions while passing the waiting time.
I had just lowered my phone from my ear when the familiar scent of sweet orange reached my nose. I lifted my face to the left and saw you standing beside me.
"I miss youuuu!!!" you exclaimed, hugging me tightly.
You didn't give me a chance to stand, so I tried to stand while maintaining your hug, then pulled your head to my chest and gently kissed the top of your head.
"I know," I said then. "I miss you too, Red," I whispered.
Your hug tightened.
"Tired, huh?" I asked.
Your head, still on my chest, shook.
"No!" you said, releasing the hug. "You haven't had lunch yet, have you? Let's eat first, okay? Want some Yamie?"
"Anything. As long as it's with you."
"Awww... you're so sweet..."
I laughed, playfully ruffled the top of your head.
"Wait. I'll order a GoCar first." You pulled away from my arm.
"Unusual to take a GoCar. Where's your motorbike?"
"My motorbike's at the dorm."
"Why?"
Your sigh was clear. "I can't ride my motorbike right now." Your voice softened.
"Why? Are you okay?" I started to worry.
Your long sigh was clearly heard again before you invited me to sit back down.
"Promise you won't freak out," you pleaded.
I raised both hands with palms facing forward. You gently pulled my right hand, placing it on top of your hand. It wasn't your skin I felt when I touched your hand. From the middle of your fingers up to above your left wrist, there was a layer of something like...
"Is it... a cast?" I asked with unconcealed worry.
"You promised not to freak out..." Your voice softened.
It was my turn to sigh. "I'm not," I said. "Why? Broken?"
"Just a crack, not a break. But they said if it's not in a cast, your hand won't be able to rest."
Worried? Definitely. But what I felt now was more disappointment because you never mentioned this at all in your stories on the phone.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just didn't want you to worry."
"It's okay. But do Dad and Mom know?"
"They know." Your voice was very soft.
"Alright, as long as Dad and Mom know and you're okay. But next time, tell me, okay?"
I made my voice as gentle as possible. I didn't want to judge, even though there was still a feeling of disbelief. But never mind. The most important thing is that you're okay.
I ruffled the top of your head again, feeling you nod.
"Sorry," you whispered.
"It's okay. Alright, go order the GoCar first."
You dropped your head on my shoulder, making me automatically drop my arm around your shoulder, embracing your body.
I didn't like it every time this happened. I knew your intentions were good; you didn't want to make me worry. But this way, it felt like it emphasized my helplessness to protect you.
"The driver doesn't want to come in." You straightened up. "We have to go outside."
"Okay." I stood up too and followed your steps out of the station.
We didn't have to wait long. The car you ordered pulled up as soon as we reached the sidewalk, outside the station fence. During the ride, you didn't initiate any conversation, only spoke a little. Just a few words to answer the questions I threw out to break the silence. It seemed all the cheerfulness from our initial meeting was gone.
"What do you want to order?" Finally, I heard your voice again after we entered the restaurant and found a seat.
"What do you have?"
You read out the menu and added a little explanation for some of the items. I chose a bowl of savory chicken mushroom yamie. The simplest menu option for me. You left me for a moment then came back to sit, this time choosing to sit beside me.
"Unusual?" I asked, surprised, because you were usually on the 'sit-opposite' team, unlike me. Usually I'd give in, we always sat facing each other whenever we ate together.
"Just felt like it." You pulled my right arm, straightened it, then wrapped it around your shoulder. "I miss you so much," you said, then wrapped your arm around my waist.
I smiled, always happy whenever you acted clingy like this. Although this afternoon I didn't particularly like hearing that sigh, as if a heavy burden was weighing on your chest.
"Oh right. Your insulin."
You reached for the waist bag I had placed on the table in front of me. You already knew, immediately taking out my glucometer and insulin injection kit. Without waiting to be told, I offered my right palm, letting you check my blood glucose level, then immediately rolled up my right t-shirt sleeve, ready for the injection. This morning the injection was done on my left arm, so this afternoon I had to find another spot. Because I have to get four injections a day, and that's for life, the injection sites must be rotated, not continuously done in the same spot. You said something might appear, I forgot the name. Some kind of fat tissue damage, if I'm not mistaken, which could make the injected insulin no longer effective.
"Does it hurt?" you asked, pulling down my t-shirt sleeve.
My nod was met with a playful pinch on my right cheek.
"Don't be spoiled," you said.
The bag was closed again then pushed back in front of me. You pulled my arm again, wrapped it around your body, and settled into a hug.
"You owe me a story," I said softly, resting my cheek on your head.
"Fell in the wrong position."
My brow furrowed. "Fell in the wrong position?"
"Last week it rained quite heavily, and when I was about to go home, I slipped near the hospital parking lot, and I used my hand to break my fall. You know my reflexes aren't great."
I immediately pushed your body, making you stand upright. "Last week? Fell off your motorbike?" I asked.
"I'm okay, really. Just a crack in my hand and bruises on my legs because the motorbike fell on me. Luckily Dian was there to help me lift the motorbike."
The feeling in my chest became mixed again. Quickly, I pulled you back, hugging you.
"I'm okay, Ja. Really," you said.
I nodded. "Yes, I believe you." I just wanted to hug you longer to get rid of the discomfort in my chest right now.
"Tell Dian my thanks when you see him later, okay? He's helped you a lot," I said, remembering how many times you'd told me about your friend, about how kind he was to you.
Your head nodded gently.
"Oh, the order's here."
You pulled away from my hug, received our lunch order, explained the position of my bowl and glass, then touched the back of my hand, handing me the spoon and fork I requested.
"Want more chili sauce?" you asked.
"I'm good," I replied, enjoying my lunch.
Again, you didn't say anything. No stories. We just ate in silence. Today you were really quiet, not like usual.
"Where do you want to go after this?" I couldn't stand our silence anymore.
"Are you staying overnight?" you asked.
"A rather tempting offer." My smile widened.
My body flinched, quite startled when you suddenly placed your hands on both my cheeks.
"Can't you just stooooop?" you asked playfully.
"Stop what?"
"Stop being so adorable!"
I laughed. "I can't. I can't make you stop falling in love either."
"Annoying. Alright, I'm going to pay first."
I kept one of your hands in mine. With my other hand, I pulled my wallet out of my bag and handed it to you, then released your hand. Soon I felt you take my left hand and place the wallet there.
"So, where are we going?" I asked.
"Not su... oh, wait. I have a call." You paused. "What, Di? I'm eating. Why?"
I straightened my hand towards you. I found your left hand, wrapped in a cast, then held your fingertips.
"At Taman Siswa. We're going for a walk after this. Why?" You sounded curious and impatient. "I can't. I..." Your sentence trailed off. "I really can't, Dian. I'm sorry, okay?"
Your clear sigh at the end of the conversation was quite surprising, making me lift my face towards you, towards where your voice came from.
"Who was that?" I asked.
"Dian."
"Dian, who helped you when you fell yesterday?"
"Yes. Dian, the one you wanted to thank. He said he wanted me to accompany him to find a gift. I already refused him at the hospital, but he insisted. You know I don't like having to explain things over and over?"
I stood up with my hand still holding your left fingertips, then moved my hand to your upper arm. "It's okay, don't worry about it," I said, gently stroking your arm.
"Yes."
"So, where are we going?" I repeated the same question.
"Hmm... where, indeed? To Bantul? To Becici? We can see the sunset there," you replied, leading me to walk outside.
"Isn't the road usually jammed on Saturday nights? We'll get home too late."
"Are you going home tonight?" There was a sad tone in your voice.
My head nodded gently. "You still have assignments to do. Let's just stay in the city, okay?"
I could feel you nod just before you suddenly stopped walking.
"What are you doing here?" you asked.
Reflexively, I turned towards you, then shifted towards where my ears caught the sound of approaching footsteps that stopped in front of us.
"You said you were here. That's why I came to find you." A man's voice. "I happened to be nearby."
"How did you know I was eating here? I only said I was at Taman Siswa."
"I already know all your regular spots, Ta."
There was a smile in the words he had just spoken that somehow made my jaw clench.
"Who's that?" He asked. Most likely asking about me.
"Senja, meet Dian," you said, "Dian, this is Senja."
Dian, whom you'd often talked about all this time, turned out to be a man. Surprise! My feelings immediately became jumbled again. But I tried my hardest to act normal. I extended my right hand and smiled reluctantly. My outstretched hand was met with a firm grip.
"He’s blind?"
The question was deliberately asked very softly, most likely while pointing at me, like many people who met me for the first time used to do. But I could still hear it clearly. I was about to answer him, to tell him that I could still hear him, that I couldn't see, not that I was deaf. Usually, every time this happened, you would immediately become protective of me. But not this time. You didn't say anything. Not like usual.
***
"Stairs," you said softly, giving a signal.
The cane I had extended forward, I now straightened, letting its tip touch each step I was about to take.
"You're getting smarter," I praised.
"But yesterday I still made you stumble on the sidewalk." Your sigh was clear.
Yesterday I indeed almost tripped when we were walking together, but it wasn't your fault. My head was full of thoughts and we were in a hurry. I was in a hurry. Every time that happened, my concentration was a bit disturbed, which is why I didn't pay enough attention to the directions you gave. After that, I used my cane even when walking together, not because I didn't trust you, but just to be careful, to help me concentrate better. I had explained all that to you repeatedly, but I could still always hear a guilty tone in your words. When it came to this, I gave up. No longer trying to explain.
"It's okay. You're still learning, right? If you don't make mistakes, you won't learn," I teased.
"Been learning for three years, still haven't 'graduated'," you complained.
The sound of a crowd and loud music was already audible, not too far in front of us. That meant we were almost there. But somehow, I suddenly didn't want to continue walking.
"Why, Ja?" Your steps slowed, as if you could read my mind.
"I'll fold my cane first," I said, not wanting to say what I felt.
"Oh right. But is it okay if you don't use your cane? What if..."
"You won't. You can do it. I trust you."
You didn't seem to feel the need to discuss it further. You started walking again, leading me closer to the crowd. We stopped for a moment in front of the reception desk. I felt your body bend, then you led me back into the venue where your junior high reunion was being held.
"That's Rekta, right? Uh, her boyfriend can't see? Why is he being led?"
"Poor thing, huh?"
"Why would she want to?"
"Rekta is such a kind person, to be willing to..."
I had expected to hear those whispered questions, at a volume they thought I couldn't hear. This was the first time I had agreed to your invitation to attend a formal event. Not because I wasn't brave enough to face the predictable responses, but more because I was too lazy to respond. Or perhaps all this time it was just because I didn't know how you truly felt about it. I don't know. What was clear was that this time I had no reason to avoid it anymore, plus you had full support from Dad, Mom, and Arik. Yes, they were all traitors, indeed.
I closed my eyes tightly as soon as we found a place to sit. Hoping that by doing so, all the words I had just heard could be driven out of my head so they wouldn't add to my thoughts.
"Are you okay?"
The gentle stroke of your hand on my shoulder made me open my eyes again and smile.
"I'm okay."
I caught your hand that was on my arm, pulling it down into my other hand's grasp.
"You must be tired of hearing all that, right?"
I turned quickly towards you. "Hear what?" I asked, pretending not to understand what you meant.
"I'm not deaf either ," you whispered. You played with my hand, placing your fingers precisely between mine, then holding it.
I tilted my head towards you, gently bumping it against yours.
"I'm already an expert," I whispered. "You're the one who needs to get used to hearing that."
Throughout the ceremonial event, all we did was this: sit holding hands. I mostly stayed quiet, listening to you tell stories about your junior high days. Your mischief and your friends'.
"It's a real shame Ei couldn't come. Can't reminisce. Back then, she was the real definition for partner in crime ," you said.
"Proud of being naughty."
"Let me be. Hey, let's go find some food. I'm hungry." You invited me to stand up as soon as the ceremonial event concluded.
I moved the folded cane from my lap, stood up, and held your arm, following your steps. From what I could tell, we were entering a crowd. There were many sounds of people passing by and standing around us now.
"Hey, how are you?" a woman asked.
Your body was pulled forward slightly, making me release my hand from your arm.
"Where are you studying now?" you asked her.
"Just in Solo. Still can't move on from here," she replied. "Who's that?" She asked you, surely asking about me.
My heart suddenly beat faster. There was a mix of curiosity, interest, and worry about what you would say about me. I waited, but you didn't immediately answer your friend's question. I was quite surprised when you suddenly reached for my left hand, placing it in your grasp.
"This is Senja, my boyfriend," you said proudly. There was a smile in your voice.
Boyfriend. My smile must have been incredibly wide. This was the first time you had used that word. Usually you would just say my name or, if not, I would immediately extend my hand and introduce myself. I slipped my folded cane into my back pants pocket, then extended my hand, which your friend quickly shook.
"Hi. Nindita," she said, shaking my hand. "So, you're blind? " she asked.
Her question was very direct, quite surprising, but I nodded my head to answer it anyway.
"Cool ," she said.
Cool? I frowned.
"He is, right? " You tilted your head until it touched my left shoulder.
" Tacky," Nindita said. "I used to be a member of Rekta and Ei's gang too, Ja," she continued.
"A member of a gang?" I asked, turning slightly towards you.
"Hey, no.. no.. Not that kind of gang.Sisterhood . Hahahaha..."
You both laughed together.
"I thought you'd never break up with Awan," Nindita said. "Uh, sorry. Is it okay to talk about exes?" From her tone, it seemed she said that to tease you.
"It's okay. Just the past," I replied before widening my smile.
I was well aware that all your friends knew Awan, your ex-boyfriend. I had even prepared myself in case he also came to this event.
"You're so nice, Ja. My boyfriend always gets mad if anyone talks about my exes," Nindita said.
"Exes, huh? Plural," you commented. "He's broken many hearts, this one, Ja. Probably in high school too, right?"
"I've repented, Ta."
Your grip on my hand suddenly tightened again. "Hey, no. This one's mine!" you said, wrapping my arm around your waist.
Nindita laughed quite loudly. "Sorry, babe. But your Senja here... Don't you realize you're really handsome, Ja?"
"I'm pretty sure he does, " you replied.
You were so possessive today. I liked it, making me smile to myself listening to your conversation, no longer caring about the whispers behind me. I tightened my arm around your waist.
"Alright. I'm going to hunt for some food first.Have fun, you two. Hope you last. Let me know when you get married." The girl then left.
"So, I'm your boyfriend now?" I whispered.
"Yes. Because I've been waiting for you to say that when people ask, but you never did. So I just said it. You took too long."
***
For the umpteenth time, I felt your grip on my hand tighten, as if you didn't want to let go. You even insisted on buying two train tickets just so you could come into the waiting room and then ride the train with me to Lempuyangan station, which is less than five minutes away from Tugu Station.
"Why don't you just stay overnight? Go home tomorrow morning?" you asked sweetly.
"I can't, Red. Even if I go back to Solo tomorrow morning, you'll still ask me to come back in the afternoon or evening. What about your assignments then?"
There was no answer from you.
"You remember we talked about this before? I don't like you like this. We already promised..."
"Yes. I know," you said, not letting me finish the sentence.
You dropped your head on my chest again. I tightened my arm around you again. I know you hate it most when we have to discuss this. But I want you to understand that we must be ready to part ways at any time. That we must be ready to be left behind and brave enough to be alone. Even though, honestly, I'm still learning to be able to part from you. Every time I have to let you go or leave you like this, I also feel empty, no different from you. It's just that I have to show that I'm strong so you can be strong too.
"Be careful on your way home later, okay? It's already late." I gently kissed your right temple.
Your head nodded gently. We then stood up after an announcement that my train would be entering the station. I placed both my hands on your cheeks, turning your face towards mine.
"Take a good care, Red," I whispered.
Again, your head nodded gently.
"I'm frowning," you said.
"I know." I kissed your forehead then hugged your body tightly for a moment. I don't know why this discomfort wouldn't go away, no matter how tightly I hugged you today.
The train arrived. I held your arm then followed your steps into the train. As we passed the station buskers, I finally really listened to the song they were singing.
"I knew I loved you then, but you'd never know. 'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go. I know I needed you but I never showed. But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old. Just say you won't let go. Just say you won't let go."
To be continued