No new messages. I put my phone back on the table and took a deep breath.
“Focus. We still have a lot of work, Ja.” Adri, my colleague whose desk was right next to mine, had been watching.
“Hahaha.. I am focused, Dri.”
“Focused on what? You've been checking your phone non-stop. Such a simp.”
“No way. You're the simp.”
For some reason, my heart felt restless today. A lie. I actually knew why. We hadn't exchanged any messages for the past two days. The last time we talked was on Monday. Even then, it was just a goodnight message, and you said that you had more patients than usual at your practice, so you'd probably be busy this week. I myself was buried in my work this week; for three days now, I've been coming home after Isya prayer time. Once I got home, all I wanted to do was sleep.
I immediately put my headset back on, which I had taken off earlier. I needed to finalize the guest list for Saturday's exhibition and then contact them one by one. Not to mention, I still had to handle customer complaints, which was a daily routine.
“Senja.” Someone touched my left shoulder, making me take off my headset again.
“Yes?” I asked, turning my chair to the left.
“The English proposal is done, right?” Mbak Adel, the section head and exhibition event coordinator.
“Yes, Mbak. I already sent it to the committee group and to your WhatsApp two weeks ago.”
“Ugh, that's long buried if it was two weeks ago. Is the event schedule, starting from the opening, included?”
“Yes, Mbak.”
“Please resend it to me. Just email it. Pak Banu asked for it. He said he wants to send it to our client from Australia. He just remembered.”
My head nodded. “Understood. I'll email it later.”
“Now, Ja. It's urgent. Time is really tight,” she said. Her voice faded away.
Time was really tight. I took a deep breath, a little annoyed by her frequent last-minute demands. From the very beginning of the exhibition planning, I had actually been quite irritated because in the initial planning meeting, Adri's name and mine weren't on the committee list, with the excuse that we were still new hires. Then, suddenly, a few days later, my number was added to the committee group, and I was asked to create a proposal in English without any notification of the theme, when, or how the event would be executed. When I asked, the response took forever. Once they did respond, they wanted the proposal done that very day. It was only for English-related tasks like this that I was included, given work assignments with the excuse that I was the only one in the office with the highest TOEFL score.
“Just be patient, Ja.” Adri's voice was heard again.
“I am patient, Dri. Just relax," I said, trying to convince myself.
Adri snorted. “But it's really too much. All the work is given to us, and she just reports to the boss. Then if the work is good, she gets the credit. If the work is wrong, then she says she didn't do it.” I could still hear his voice clearly, even though he deliberately said all of that very softly.
“Just be patient, Dri.” It was my turn to try and calm him with his own words.
"Retaliating!" Adri scoffed quickly.
For a moment, I checked my phone again. Still no message from you. I tapped the message input field and started typing a message, or rather, trying to type one. I don't know how many times I wrote and deleted the message until I finally put my phone back on the table. Suddenly, my ability to string words together vanished again. Oh well, I'll just finish my work first. I'll call you after work.
After sending the proposal as Mbak Adel requested, I immersed myself in my other tasks again. I had just finished contacting all the invited guests and sending them invitation letters when a message came in. Not from you. The message in the committee group contained yet another task. It had to be done today.
“Oh, come on. I thought I'd be able to go home early today,” Adri exclaimed from next to me.
Ah, I think I need you now.
***
All I'd done since coming home from the hospital today was sit on the bed and gaze out the wide window to my left, enjoying the bright sunlight that was so clear today. I didn't feel like doing anything. And every time it was like this, scenarios of what Father would say to me when he came home later played out in my head.
I raised my hand in front of my face and slowly turned it over. It was still the same; all I could see were movements in a blurry image with dark spots in several areas. The same thing I'd been seeing for the past year. I could still distinguish between light and dark, sometimes even colors in well-lit places. But it wasn't good enough for me to see faces, writing, pictures, or even to prevent me from bumping into things. It wasn't this bad before. Back then, I could still see faces up close, and the dark spots I saw weren't as widespread or numerous as they are now.
As far as I could remember, my eyesight had never been truly good. Since childhood, I'd had to wear quite thick glasses, had to sit in the front row at school to see what was written on the blackboard. My vision continued to decline, making me change glasses almost every year. Four- eyes, tin-eyes—I'd forgotten what other nicknames my school friends used to call me. At that time, I didn't care, didn't hate, didn't feel hurt. I was too tired to be hurt by them because of Father.
“Nang?” The call came with a soft knock on the bedroom door, making me turn towards it.
The bedroom door opened without waiting for my answer. Soon, I felt the edge of the bed dip slightly as someone sat on it.
“Mother said you haven't left your room all day,” he said, gently patting my thigh.
“Just tired, Father,” I replied.
“Mother already told me about your check-up results earlier. You...”
“Senja is fine, Father,” I quickly interrupted, feeling like I knew what he was going to say.
I knew Father's questions by heart. After this, he would discuss my examination results, then how I needed to be patient and how I shouldn't just give up. Father would also surely talk about how he wouldn't give up searching for a cure, just like before.
“We'll find another doctor later, okay?” he said.
See? What did I tell you.
“Father, enough. Maybe it's time we stop and just accept that Senja's condition has to be like this.” I tried to say all of that in as flat a tone as possible, still not wanting to disappoint him.
I could clearly hear Father's sigh. I knew he was disappointed. His sigh was as heavy as I remembered when he first learned I had lost my sight, after I woke up from a coma in elementary school. Father felt the most devastated and guilty for being late to find out that I had diabetes and that my pancreas was no longer producing insulin at all. He blamed himself for being late to realize that the disease had already started damaging my retina.
“Nang, we can still try. This is for your own good too.”
“Father, Senja is tired,” I finally said. This was the first time I had said what I truly felt. “Last year ....” I left my sentence hanging, still feeling reluctant to tell him this.
Last year, I agreed to Father's request to undergo surgery. The doctor said my eyes could still be saved, even though there was a risk of complications that could worsen the situation. At that time, because Father was so enthusiastic, I, who was actually tired of trying, at the end of the day agreed to his request. Then the worst happened. My eyes experienced bleeding as a complication of the procedure I underwent.
“We'll find an even better doctor later. Okay?”
I didn't answer, choosing instead to pull my legs up, fold them, and sit cross-legged. Father seemed to understand my intention because he stood up.
“Alright then. Just rest for now. We'll talk again later.”
“Father,” I called.
“Yes?”
“Senja is fine. You and Mother should be too.”
There was no answer from Father. All I heard then were heavy footsteps moving further away, followed by the sound of my bedroom door closing slowly.
I then buried my face in my hands, exhaling with all my might as I released my breath. I thought that way, the lump in my chest would come out too. It didn't work. But my attention was somewhat diverted when my phone chimed, indicating one incoming message.
Eko: no hw
That short. I had indeed asked him to let me know if there was any homework today.
I was about to put my phone back when I suddenly remembered you. Earlier today, I had heard your voice on the phone while waiting for my check-up at the hospital. Just before I had to hear the doctor's final verdict. I opened our chat and reread the messages there. My burden felt a little lighter now.
Langit Senja: So? Any homework after all?
I sent the message. It didn't take long for your reply to come in.
Rekta: Sorry. You're out of luck.
I started to smile again.
Langit Senja: Ah, damn it. I should've called the teacher earlier to give us homework.
Rekta : Hahaha. What are you doing, Ja?
Langit Senja : Annoying you. You?
Rekta: Hanging out by the window, watching the sunset.
I turned towards the window, hoping a little that I could be with you, enjoying that evening sky you loved so much.
Langit Senja: Must be beautiful, right?Wish I were there with you
Your reply was just a smiling emoticon. A cliché answer almost everyone gives when they're not sure what to say. But still, my smile widened again. Unable to resist, I pressed the call button. I really wanted to hear your voice again now.
"Hello?" Your voice.
"Tell me what it looks like ," I said. My heart then felt a little lighter.
***
“Shampooing your hair late at night, that's unusual,” Arik commented as I came out of the bathroom with my hair still half-wet after washing it.
“It's hot.” I was still trying to dry my hair with a towel.
“Are you going to keep coming home this late, Ja?”
I dropped onto the sofa right beside Arik. “Probably just until the exhibition. Usually, I come home on time. Why? Miss me?” I teased.
“Yeah. It's just lonely coming home from work and you're not here. No one to fight with.”
My hand moved quickly to ruffle her hair. As usual, she immediately dodged. Arik hated it most when I treated her like a younger sibling.
“But there's Mother. There's Father.” I took the towel off my head, placing it on my lap.
“So I'll go to hell for being a disobedient child?”
“Well, do you think if you pick a fight with me, you're not being disobedient? I mean, I'm....”
Arik's hand immediately clamped over my mouth. Suddenly. It was quite startling but actually made me laugh.
“Hey, that's rude!” I snapped. I tried to grab her face, wanting to cover her mouth back, but she managed to dodge.
Arik's laughter was quite loud, feeling triumphant for having evaded me. But I didn't give up, trying to catch her, tackling her onto the sofa, and attempting to cover her mouth.
“You two are still like children. It's late already.” Mother's voice sounded more like a complaint. “Fatherrr... Look at your children!” Mother then yelled.
“She started it, Mom!” I said, still trying to touch her mouth.
Just touching was enough for us to count as an even score. It had been our game since childhood. We would retaliate against each other, trying our hardest to get back at them, even if it was just a light touch on the tip of the nose or a small tap on the shoulder. I forgot who started it first. Sometimes I would just playfully pull her braid and then try to dodge when she wanted to pull my hair back. And vice versa.
I managed to touch her mouth. The girl was still laughing as I stood up and prepared to leave her.
“Done? That's it?” Mother must be shaking her head in wonder now.
“If it's like that, that's your child.” Father's voice sounded like he was holding back laughter.
“Ewwwww!” Arik exclaimed in turn. Making me turn to her.
“What? Why?” I asked, curious.
“Father's being all lovey-dovey, kissing Mother,” Arik reported to me. “Hmmm... no need to smile like that, Father. Remember your age...” Arik exclaimed again.
“Just say if you want some, Rik. No need to act all 'eww',” I said.
A wet towel thrown hit my face squarely. My body tensed reflexively, unprepared for such a sudden, unannounced attack. Damn it.
“Hang the towel to dry! You ugly.”
I laughed loudly at Arik's annoyed tone. I was just about to step to the back to hang the towel when I heard my phone's incoming call ringtone. I rushed into my room and grabbed it.
“Hello,” I said, answering the call. I pulled up a chair and sat down.
“Senja, Pak Banu asked for a revision of the opening ceremony's agenda,” said the voice on the phone.
“Mbak Adel?” I asked, even though I had actually heard her name mentioned by my phone's screen reader earlier. It was just an exclamation of disbelief that she was still calling me after I had spent three hours beyond my regular working hours.
“Yes. It's Adel. Father asked that he be the one to open the event and give the speech. And also add a speech from the city government. So please edit the proposal and create the invitations. You're making all the invitations, right? Just send the soft file to my email later.”
I closed my eyes and propped my face with one hand.
“Why so sudden, Mbak? Can the city government even manage with such short notice?” I asked.
“It's fine. Father will handle it. He's the one who asked.”
“Does it have to be right now, Mbak?” I asked, remembering that I had only gotten home past eight. It was at least nine o'clock now, and I was quite tired.
“Well, if you can do it now. But if you want to get it done by tomorrow morning, that's fine too. It's up to you. The important thing is I've told you, okay? I can tell Father that you can only do it tomorrow morning.” The call was then disconnected.
After several long breaths, I took my laptop out of my work bag and turned it on.
“What, working again?”
I lazily turned my head towards the door, then shrugged and immediately put my headset on one ear.
“Are you working for a Japanese person, Ja?” Arik asked from my bed.
“No. A pure Javanese person, actually.”
“Why does it seem like you're doing forced labor?”
I couldn't hold back my laughter. I thought she was serious. I threw the first thing I could grab from the table at her: a small bottle of hand sanitizer.
“Hey! That hurts, you know!” she complained.
“Hit you?” I asked, surprised because I hadn't heard the sound of the object hitting her.
“No, not really. Hahahahaha...” Her laughter was annoying as usual.
“Get out. I need to work!” I shooed her.
“No way. I still want to be here.” Arik didn't budge.
As long as she didn't say anything else, it was fine. I let her stay in the room while I worked on Mbak Adel's request.
Well, it's fine. It's up to you. The important thing is I've told you . The same weapon Mbak Adel always used. Every sudden task given was always justified by "Pak Banu asked for it." Every time I asked for more time because I had other work to do, she always said the same thing.
I finished my work with a bit of annoyance. It didn't actually take long, not much. Just changing the activity schedule, converting the document to PDF, and then adding names to the invitation address list. I just didn't like her method.
“Done?” Arik asked.
“Done.” I shut down my laptop as soon as all the documents were sent.
I turned to Arik. “So, what's up?” I asked.
“What's up? What do you mean, 'what's up'?”
“Come on, Rik. Just say it. Why have you been so faithfully waiting for me here all this time? What do you want to tell me?” I sat down beside her on the bed, leaning my back against the window.
“You know?” she asked.
“Of course I know. When have I ever not understood you?” I gently patted her thigh. “So, what's up?”
“Ja, have you ever felt bored with Rekta? I mean, you two have been dating for a really long time. Six years. That's not a short time, you know.”
Bored? I shook my head.
“No," I answered firmly.
How could I ever get bored of you? You're like the evening sky, unpredictable. Sometimes bright with its red hues, sometimes a little cloudy, sometimes with a streak of blue. Your mind is like that; sometimes I don't know what your response will be to the topics we discuss. Often it's not what I predict. Often your focus is different from what I expect, and that's exciting. Not boring at all. Although sometimes it's also difficult to keep up with.
“Really? You don't get tired of your relationship? Never run out of things to talk about?”
“Not that I recall.”
Arik pushed my shoulder aside. “Don't just say 'as you recall'. Give a definite answer. We both know how bad your memory is.”
“Hey, no way. My memory is good, you know!” I gently pushed her back. “What's wrong, Rik?” I asked, growing more curious.
“Fais proposed to me.” Her voice was very, very soft.
My head immediately turned to her. “What?” I asked, unsure of what I had just heard.
“Fais proposed to me!” Arik's voice rose.
“Fais pro....”
Once again, I felt my mouth being covered.
“Shhh... not so loud. Father and Mother will hear.”
I pushed Arik's hand away from my mouth. “Well, why not?”
“I haven't answered his proposal yet.”
“You're not sure about him?” I asked.
Arik didn't answer my question. All I heard was her sigh and the repeated soft thud against the windowpane. I quickly placed my hand on the window, preventing Arik's head from hitting my bedroom window again.
“Heh... thanks,” she said.
“I only care about the window. Not your head,” I replied.
Arik hissed, making me laugh.
“So, what's up? You're not sure about him? Haven't you two been dating for a long time? It's natural for him to propose. After all, you both have jobs. You're more financially stable. More mature, haven't broken up and gotten back together in a long time.”
“That's the thing, Ja. You know I get bored easily, right? What if I get bored after we're married? I can't just break up then...”
“Well, don't get bored then.”
“But I can't control my feelings.” Arik sighed again.
“Really? Try asking the owner of your heart.” I touched my shoulder to hers.
Arik's head dropped onto my shoulder. I gently patted her. This time, she didn't dodge, didn't protest. Perhaps her head was truly heavy with thoughts.
“Seriously, you've never felt tired of your relationship? Six years, Ja. And long-distance too.” she asked then. I shook my head. “You seem really sure about Rekta.”
I only answered with a smile.
“Are you sure he's your soulmate?”
“Soulmates aren't something we control, Rik.”
Arik lifted her head from my shoulder. “You mean, you're ready anytime if you have to break up with him?” I didn't answer her again. “So, all this time you weren't serious about him, Ja? That's mean of you.”
“Who said I wasn't serious? I am serious.”
“Then why say that?”
“Because I can't control who his soulmate is. I can only wish that I am his soulmate. But if I'm not, then I have to be ready to let him go, right?”
Arik didn't respond immediately. I turned to her, waiting for her reaction.
“I don't understand how your brain works, Ja. Seriously,” she said. “But do you love him?”
“Do I have to answer that?” I asked. I thought I had made it clear enough to everyone all this time that I truly loved you.
“And Rekta knows about that? About what's in your mind?”
I nodded my head slowly.
“You two are really a strange couple.” Arik dropped her head onto my shoulder again. “He really loves you, doesn't he, Ja?”
My head nodded again.
“Are you sure he loves you, Ja? Not just out of pity? You're annoying, Ja. Not handsome, not rich, but selfish, yes. Troublesome, yes.”
"And? What else?"
Instead of answering, Arik just laughed. She sounded very satisfied.
"What did you do to Fais to make him propose like that? Which shaman did you use?" I asked.
"Hmph... that's a standard comeback. Not fun, ugh."
"Whatever!"
"You're lame, Ja. But seriously though. Are you sure Rekta loves you? I mean, six years is enough to fade feelings, Ja. Are you really still sure?"
"Very sure," I replied.
No. I think, after last weekend... I don't know.
***
Today you really didn't talk much. Several times we just spent time in silence. Several times I clearly heard your sighs.
"Are you okay, Red?" I could no longer hold back from asking.
"I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"You've been very quiet today. And sighing a lot."
"Sorry."
"And apologizing a lot. I don't have much stock of apologies today."
"Starting to get boring."
I placed my hand over yours, holding it gently.
"You don't feel like talking?" I asked.
You didn't answer me immediately, nor did you return my hand's clasp. Usually, you would quickly turn your palm over, then catch my palm, holding it back.
"Red?"
Still no answer.
"Okay. It's fine if you don't want to talk. But if you do have a problem, resolve it, okay? Don't bottle it up, wait, or postpone it. Okay?"
"Yes." You dropped your head onto my shoulder. "Thanks, Ja. You don't force me to talk. Sometimes I just need this, don't want to talk about anything. Just want to be with you like this."
I stretched out my arms, pulling you into my embrace.
"Like this? " I asked.
"Exactly like this ," you whispered, and then, suddenly, you shed tears.
"Oh, why are you crying?" I asked.
I always get confused whenever someone cries near me, especially when it's you.
"Red..." I pulled you even tighter. "You're tired, aren't you? Maybe I shouldn't have come, right?"
"No...." You pulled my arm, asking me to tighten the hug even more. "I want you here. I need you here ," you whispered. "I don't know, these past few days I've been so incredibly tired, Ja. Piled-up assignments, exams, practicals, patients, and then...."
I waited. But you left your words hanging. Even until we parted ways at Lempuyangan, until you stepped off the train, I didn't get any explanation.
***
My bedroom door closed softly after Arik left. Oh my. I forgot to call you tonight. Even though I had planned it earlier today, was about to call you, not caring even if you said you were busy.
Eleven o'clock at night. My phone's clock showed that time. It was too late. I couldn't possibly call you this late. You must need rest. So I just sent a message.
Langit Senja: Night, Red.
Sent. My phone was already on the table, and I was getting ready for bed when a reply came in. A voice message.
“Hey. Good night to you, too.”
My brow furrowed. I replayed the message you had just sent me. It wasn't your voice I wanted to replay, but another voice behind yours.
Your coffee, Ta! I didn't mishear, did I? Was that a man's voice?
I quickly pressed the call button. Three, four, five, six rings, and you didn't answer. The call was rejected on the next ring.
I was about to redial when your call came in.
"On duty?" I asked.
"No. Just working on assignments with friends. Everyone's gathered at the boarding house."
"Why so late?"
"Yeah, Ja. Tomorrow morning we have to consult for Saturday's presentation preparation."
"With whom?"
"Dian, Putri, Retno, Fadil, Nadya... mmmm... quite a few, Ja. There are two groups working together."
"Don't stay too late, Red."
"Okay.."
The voices behind you grew a little boisterous, cheering you on.
"Ooh, getting checked up on... Don't worry, sir. Rekta's safe with us," said a rather loud voice near you. A female voice.
"These guys... They're always like that. Alright, Ja. I'll finish this first."
"Okay. Alright. Call you tomorrow."
"Okay."
You hung up. No 'I love you' as usual. Oh well. Maybe you were just busy.
I made sure my phone alarm was set, then placed the device on the table and began to close my eyes. Ah, I shouldn't have let Arik's question get into my head earlier.
To be continued