I immediately dropped onto the nearest sidewalk I could reach. My breath was completely gone after my body was forced to run around Manahan stadium once for a warm-up, followed by a short-distance race. Again. "Oxygen, where's the oxygen?" asked Ei, who had just dropped down beside me. "Such a scrawny body..." I trailed off, panting. "Just running like that...." "Hey, that's enough. No comments. Fix your breathing first!" Ei snapped, not looking out of breath at all. She untied her hair, tidied it, then tied it again. I obeyed, taking long, deep breaths, trying to calm my heart and lungs, which seemed to be in a panic after I'd forced them to run. "Ugh... It turns out it's easier to run from reality than to run a short-distance race like this," complained Tika, who was the last person to finish her run. She was panting, just as badly as I had been. Ei glanced at me. I knew she was trying to connect Tika's words to me. Whatever. I didn't care. I just laughed, preferring to respond to Tika, going with the flow, laughing at her words. "Alright. We'll close today's lesson. See you next week." The female students who had been sprawled around me began to stand up and leave the sports area. Almost all of them. I remained, not because my breathing hadn't returned to normal, but because my eyes refused to shift from the group of male students warming up not far from where I was sitting. I immediately stood up. I don't know. I couldn't control my body at all. There was a huge worry when I couldn't find Senja among them. Bad thoughts immediately popped into my head; something was wrong with Senja. A vibration from my pants pocket brought me back to reality. Even without checking, I knew. Mas Awan. He promised to pick me up this morning, take me to breakfast, then drop me back at school because he didn't have classes this morning. I finally turned my gaze away from the group of boys, instead focusing on my phone screen. Mas Awan: I'm near the north entrance. I pressed the screen lock button after replying, then put my phone back into my pants pocket. "What's wrong with Senja, Ta? Why isn't he coming to school again?" Ei had apparently noticed the same thing. "Are you going home?" I asked, ignoring Ei's question. "Ta, seriously, you don't care about Senja?" Ei asked. She still hadn't stood up, only looking up when she spoke to me. "Ei, I'm tired of talking about this," I said. "Are you going home? If not, I'm going home first." Ei didn't budge. She just stared at me silently, making no effort to stand up or follow me. Oh well. I turned around without waiting for Ei's answer.
"Chicken porridge?" Mas Awan asked, handing me a helmet. "Let's go," I replied. Our usual chicken porridge stall wasn't too crowded this morning. Perhaps because it wasn't a holiday. Usually, on holidays, this stall is packed. "I've looked up information about tutoring. Do you want to join a tutoring center or have private lessons at home?" Mas Awan asked after ordering food. He dropped down beside me. "Lessons?" I asked. "Yes. Dad wants you to take extra lessons." "Why didn't you tell me before?" I asked. "We've discussed this." Oh, right. We had discussed it. But, I thought at the time it was just a passing conversation. Besides, back then I also said I didn't want lessons. Why did it end up like this? "It's for your own good too. So you're ready for the exams. Besides, your grades last semester...." "I'm hungry." I quickly cut off Mas Awan's words. I didn't want to hear the rest of that sentence. "Alright then. Just eat first," he said before letting us eat in silence. I sighed, releasing my frustration, truly saying nothing. I spent the rest of my morning in silence. Mas Awan must have known I was in a bad mood. He let me be quiet, not engaging me in conversation at all, even until he dropped me off in front of the school. "Dad's picking me up this afternoon, right?" he asked. "Yes." "Let me know when you get home. I love you." I nodded, then quickly turned and prepared to enter the school grounds. Again, my steps stopped at the door, and my eyes saw the front corner desk. Empty. That desk was still empty, and I still cared. "Rekta." I stopped near Eko. "What is it, Ko?" I asked, questioning the reason for his call. Eko didn't say anything. He just showed me a piece of paper. Senja. Sick. "Sick?" asked Ei, who had suddenly appeared behind me, also peeking, looking at the sick note Eko showed. "Alright then. We'll visit him this afternoon." I didn't comment, choosing to remain silent and then dragged my feet to the only desk that was still empty this morning. And the whole day felt empty too. Not my chest, not my brain, it was all the same. No lessons could be absorbed, they just passed by. Fortunately, for whatever reason, Ei didn't ask too many questions. Maybe she knew I wasn't in the mood to talk much.
"So, are we going to visit Senja?" Eko asked as the last period teacher stepped out of the classroom. Ei nodded at Eko then turned to me. "Where are you going after this?" she asked. "Nowhere," I replied. "Come with us!" she invited. I wanted to go. I really wanted to go. But maybe it was better if I didn't. Arik said it would be much better if I stayed away from Senja. So I shouldn't go. I should really start disappearing from his life. But... But I couldn't. I was worried sick. I wanted to know how he was. I had to see with my own eyes that he was okay. Ah, even after everything, I still couldn't help but care about him, I still missed him. "Ta?" Ei questioned my decision. "Let's go." That was the answer that finally came out of my mouth. I stood up, following Eko and Ei out of the classroom. Ei took my hand, squeezing it in her grip. She smiled when I looked at her. I quickly freed my hand from Ei's grasp. "Senja has changed lately, hasn't he?" Ei said. "He's become quiet," Eko added. "Maybe he's having problems at home." Ei glanced at me. I sighed, pretending not to see her. I also pretended not to listen to their conversation. I didn't want to respond. "He never told you anything, Ko?" "No." "You didn't ask either?" "No," Eko replied. Short, to the point, as usual. I got on the back of Ei's motorcycle. The girl then slowly drove her motorcycle through the traffic in front of the school. Every school dismissal hour, this road was always jammed. "Turn there, Ei," I said, pointing to the second alley after the intersection. "That one, with the matoa tree." Ei stopped the motorcycle in front of Senja's house. Eko stopped his motorcycle behind us. The front door of the house was open, just like the first time I came here. "Assalamu'alaikum." Eko stood at the very front, closest to the door. He smiled when Umi came out of the house. "Oh, Rekta and friends." Umi recognized me immediately. "Yes, Auntie," I greeted. I quickly approached and kissed her hand. "This is Dewi and Eko." I introduced Ei and Eko, who also immediately greeted Umi. "Come in." Umi invited us into the living room and sat with us. "What's wrong with Senja, Auntie?" Ei asked. "He's just not feeling well. But Senja is resting," Umi said. "What would you like to drink?" "Don't trouble yourself, Auntie," Ei quickly replied. Umi laughed. "It's no trouble at all!" she said, standing up. "Rekta, help Umi for a moment, please!" All eyes immediately turned to me. I pretended not to know. I stood up, followed Umi to the kitchen, helping her prepare drinks. "Senja has been sick often lately, hasn't he, Auntie?" I asked. Umi smiled. She handed me a glass. "Senja has always been sick often since he was little," she said. Umi then took a bottle of syrup from the refrigerator. "Rekta, why haven't you visited in a long time?" It seemed Umi didn't know about me and Senja. Her attitude hadn't changed, still the same as when I used to come here often. "Lots of homework, right?" she asked, answering her own question, as if knowing I couldn't answer. I nodded my head. Ah, this situation was truly tormenting me. I would rather Umi knew everything, was angry with me, and didn't let me in. It would be better if Umi chased me away, asked me to stay away from Senja. That would be better than this, making me feel even more guilty. "Has Arik not come home yet, Auntie?" I stirred the syrup water in the glass then placed it on the tray. "That's right. Lately, Arik has been coming home late every night. Every time he gets home, he goes straight into his room. Senja also likes to lock himself in his room now. Umi is confused. Every time Umi asks, they always say nothing is wrong. Umi knows there's definitely something wrong. But Umi can't do anything." I looked at Umi. The woman smiled at me. "Can Umi ask Rekta to talk to Senja? Maybe if Rekta talks, he'll explain. Umi is worried." Umi's eyes began to well up. "Umi is worried about Senja's condition." I still looked at her. "Rekta, please help Umi, okay? Please talk to Senja, okay?" I wanted to say no. What right did I have to talk to Senja now? But Umi's gaze reminded me of my mother, something I could never refuse. "I'll try, Auntie?" I said. "Thank you, dear." Umi stroked my back. I carried the tray with the glasses to the living room. When I got there, the place was empty. Ei and Eko weren't there. I placed the tray on the living room table. I heard Eko and Senja's voices in the room. I followed them, going to the open bedroom door. My steps stopped right at the door. My eyes couldn't leave Senja, who was now talking to Eko. I couldn't take my eyes off the bruises on his temple and left cheek. Then my head was again filled with Arik's words that all of this was because of me. Senja was like this because of me. "Come here, Ta!" Ei signaled me to come in and sit on the chair near her. She must have read my reaction when I saw Senja's condition just now. I went to Ei, sitting next to her. "Rekta." Senja smiled with his eyes closed. "Hi, Ja." That was it. Only that much. Senja then talked more with Eko. "By the way, what happened to your face, Ja?" Ei asked. "Were you in a brawl?" Senja laughed. "Yes, Dew. I'm a hero, you know," he said. "A hero who doesn't even come to school for something like that. What kind of hero?" Ei scoffed. Senja laughed again. "I fell yesterday," he then answered. "Oh. I thought someone beat you up," Ei said again. I immediately turned to her when Ei said that because Senja's expression instantly changed. I could see it even though he tried to hide it with a laugh. But Ei was nonchalant. She even nudged me and pointed towards Senja's study desk. I followed the direction she pointed and found an orange paper butterfly there. The orange paper butterfly I made at CFD that time. Senja still kept it. I glanced at Ei, she was busy with her phone, typing something there. Soon she handed me her phone. If it's like this? Do you still want to say you don't care? I returned the phone to Ei without answering, making her only able to sigh. "Are you coming to school on Monday, Ja?" Eko asked. "Depends on my mood, Ko. If I feel like it, I'll come." "Hey, don't be crazy! Midterms are about to start again!" Ei said. "I can always take a make-up test." Senja was stubborn. "I'll be back tomorrow too," he said. "If I'm in the mood." "Whatever," Eko said. "Alright, Ja. We're going to say goodbye now, okay?" Eko patted Senja's shoulder. "Why the rush, Ko?" "Ah, Senja, you really don't get it. Eko wants to go to Friday night prayers," Ei said. Eko shook his head. "No, I'm not," he replied innocently. "Oh, just admit it, Ko," Ei teased. "You're going to Friday night prayers with who? Bambang?" Ei said again, laughing. Senja laughed. Ei and Eko were wrong. Senja hadn't changed. He was fine. He would be fine. "Have a drink first." Umi stood at the bedroom door. "Yes, Auntie." Ei stood up and went ahead of us to the living room. I also stood up, walking behind Senja and Eko to the living room. "Ei, Dad will pick me up here later. It's okay if I wait for my ride, right?" I reported to Ei, making an excuse to stay longer. "Is it okay if we go first?" Ei asked. I nodded. They then said goodbye and left me after finishing their drinks. Senja didn't comment either. "I'll take it, Auntie." I took the tray with empty glasses that Umi was about to pick up. Umi relented, giving it to me. Umi followed me to the kitchen. "Rekta, I'm sorry for troubling you." "It's okay, Auntie." I placed the glasses in the sink. "Just leave them there. We'll wash them later." I obeyed, then left Umi and went to Senja's bedroom door, which was left open. Senja was sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall. A book was open on his lap. His fingers, which were exploring the braille letters, suddenly stopped. "What is it, Rekta?" he asked. What now? I didn't know what to say. I didn't even dare to look at him. So I just stood silently, leaning against the door. He waited for me to say something. I also waited, waiting for myself to find anything to say. The book on his lap was closed. Senja stood up, walked to the bookshelf in front of me. His fingers traced the braille letters on the book covers, searching for something. "How are you all doing?" Senja asked. "Fine." I was still leaning against the door, not daring to move. "Did Umi ask you to come here?" he asked. "Yes," I answered honestly. "Umi is worried about you, Ja." "You?" My heart beat faster than before. That wasn't the answer I hoped to get from him. Not any answer. I took a long breath, the longest breath I had ever taken. "Ja..." I trailed off. My brain stopped working again. It couldn't find a single word, just one word for me to say. Just one word besides his name. My chest ached again. This person, I was truly worried about him. I truly missed him. I truly wanted to always be with him. I truly wanted him to always hold my arm. I truly needed him to make me smile, to make my heart smile, to make me laugh. I truly needed him. Senja was still there, in the same position, and I couldn't hold all of this in anymore. My body moved quickly towards him without me being able to control it. All I knew was that I was already hugging his body tightly from behind. Senja's hands, which had been on the stack of books, slowly moved and rested on my hands wrapped around his chest. I felt his sigh. I heard his heartbeat. I felt him after.... it felt like forever. For quite a long time, he didn't say anything. Nor did he do anything. He just stayed silent, holding my hands that were still wrapped around his body. "I'm sorry," I whispered. I slowly began to release my embrace. Senja turned around. He placed both his hands on my cheeks but didn't say anything. That was all. That was enough to make my tears fall. "I'm sorry, Ja. I... I love you, Ja," I whispered. My tears began to fall one by one. "I love you so much." "But?" He continued my words with that question. His fingers began to try to wipe away my falling tears. "I can't, Ja," I said quickly. "Then what?" he demanded. "Ja, please. You know you're incredibly strong. You're much stronger than Mas Awan. You'll definitely find a girl better than me." I sobbed even more. "I can't leave Mas Awan, Ja. He needs me," I continued softly. Senja sighed, releasing his hands. "Are you happy with him?" I was silent, still, looking at him. His face was so cold, no emotion there. "Are you happy?" Senja repeated his question. I still couldn't answer. "That's not important, Ja," I said. Finally. "That's important to me, Rekta. I want you to be happy," he said. "Ta, we don't know if we'll still be alive tomorrow. Don't you want to experience happiness just once?" I had experienced that happiness. Once. When I first saw him, when he first held my hand, walked with me, laughed with me. Once. With him, who now stood before me. And I think that was more than enough. It should have been more than enough. "Do you remember you once asked me if I would fight for the girl I loved if someone took her?" he asked. "Yes." "Yes, I won't fight for her. I won't. Not as long as she's truly happy to leave me." He sighed. "But you're not happy, Ta. I can't bear it if you're not happy. I can't be happy if you're not. I can't be at peace if you're not happy. That's why I said back then, I can't let you go like this. I can't let you go if you're not happy." "I don't want to be selfish, Ja," I said, sobbing. "I don't want to be happy but hurt Mas Awan." Senja sighed. "Mas Awan is actually just an excuse for you. You're a coward. You're afraid to fight for your happiness," he said. He said I was a coward. A part of me resented him saying that. He didn't understand my position. "I'm not a coward," I whispered. "Then what is it called? What do you call someone who does nothing and lets themselves be hurt?" he asked. "Ta, there's a big difference between not being selfish and committing suicide." Senja's hands held my cheeks. "I can't stop thinking about you as long as I can't make you happy," he said. "But I can't keep being by your side. You have to be able to fight for yourself. Who else will you expect to make you happy if not yourself?" Those words again. He repeated those words again. But somehow, those words still pierced my chest, hurting me, hurting the part of me that had done so many foolish things, that had misunderstood all his words before. "I'm going to let you go, Rekta. But you have to promise me. Promise you'll be happy. So I can let you go in peace. You have to be happy," Senja said. "Promise you'll fight for your happiness." He closed his eyes. I couldn't utter a single word. I felt my body being pulled into his embrace. He hugged me very tightly. "Promise you'll be happy," he whispered. *** The vibration from the phone in my skirt pocket made me quickly reach in and pull it out. "Are you home yet?" Mas Awan asked as soon as I answered his call. "Not yet," I said. "Has Dad not picked you up?" There was a hint of worry in his voice. "Not yet. Dad can only leave the hospital at half past two." "Who are you with at school?" "Alone," I replied. At least, I wasn't the one saying I was still at school. There was a sigh. "Alright then. Let me know when you get home, okay?" "Yes." "I love you." I sighed. "Me, too," I replied before ending the call and putting my phone back into my skirt pocket. Once again, I examined my face in the mirror. My eyes were still red from crying just now, truly impossible to hide. I washed my face repeatedly, but the traces of tears were still there. Ah, well. What else could I do? I finally came out of the bathroom. Umi greeted me outside the bathroom. She smiled. "Forgive Umi, Rekta?" she said. She was already preparing to hug me, but I tried to avoid it. I knew if I let Umi hug me, my tears would surely burst out again. "Alright then. Umi understands," Umi said with a smile. I took a deep breath before smiling and then walked past Umi to the living room. My phone vibrated again, a call from Dad. I had sent him a text message earlier when I was going to Senja's house. "Yes, Dad?" I greeted as soon as I pressed the answer button. "Dad is just about to leave the hospital. Where is the house? Dad will pick you up there." "The intersection near the school, go south, then at the second intersection turn right. The house is number three, on the right side of the road." "Alright then. Wait outside, okay?" "Yes." I then ended the call. "Have you been picked up?" Senja stood at his bedroom door. "Dad is still at the hospital. He's just about to come here." I put on my jacket, put my phone in its pocket, then carried my backpack. "I'll just wait for Dad on the porch." "Alright then. I'll keep you company." Senja walked to the door, went ahead of me, then sat on the porch chair closest to the door. I followed him, sitting on the empty chair next to him, separated by a small table. What we did next was silence. I truly didn't know what else to say. It felt awkward, strange. He also just stayed silent, not inviting me to chat, not saying anything. It seemed everything we needed to talk about, we had truly talked about. Everything. It seemed all the problems between us were truly resolved. "Rekta?" Senja turned to me, making me quickly look away. "Your ride?" Senja asked. "Oh, yes." I quickly stood up. "I'm going home now, Ja," I said. I saw Dad take off his helmet, then walked towards us. Senja stood up, knowing Dad was approaching us. "Dad, this is Senja." I introduced them both. "Sir," Senja greeted, extending his hand, which Dad quickly shook. I could see the surprise on Dad's face when he realized Senja couldn't see. "Yes." That was all Dad said before turning to me. For a moment, Dad silently looked at me, at my eyes. "Going home?" Dad then asked. Fortunately, Dad didn't ask anything about my eyes, which were surely still red and probably starting to swell. "Yes." I turned to Senja. "I'm going home now, Ja. Please say goodbye to Umi for me." "Yes." Senja smiled. "Be careful." Senja was still on his porch when I turned for the last time. He waved as Dad's motorcycle engine started. His smile was something I couldn't help but see. His smile calmed me, making me sure that he was okay and I could leave in peace. I then followed Dad's steps to the motorcycle parked outside the gate. Dad didn't say anything else, just stayed silent. I knew Dad must be angry because I only informed him that I was going to Senja's house. Only that, without even waiting for his approval. I knew there was something Dad wanted to ask me. But, Dad just stayed silent. Even until Dad stopped the motorcycle in front of the house, he didn't say anything at all. I jumped off the back of Dad's motorcycle, opened the gate, then went ahead of him into the house after opening the front door. "Sis," Dad called. I stopped short of going up the stairs, halting my steps on the first stair and turning towards him. "Yes, Dad?" I asked. For a moment, Dad just stared at me silently before those words came out. "Dad has found a private tutor for you. It starts tomorrow. After school." I didn't argue, just nodded as usual. Isn't this good? At least I'll have plenty of reasons to forget Senja and kill time. To be continued