Twilight Sky Part 15

No group members had arrived yet. The school was very quiet on a Sunday like this. But that was fine, actually. I really needed some time alone first, to enjoy the peace for a moment. That's why I refused earlier when Mas Awan offered to keep me company until my friends arrived. I sat on the cement bench near the gate, put on my earphones, and opened my playlist, playing it. The song 'The Rose' opened the playlist. I started humming along to the song. But I stopped when the tip of a cane touched my foot, making me look up. He stood before me, his palms resting on the other end of the cane. "Sorry," he said. "Hi, Senja." I removed the earphone from my left ear. He smiled. "Rekta," he said. "There's a seat to your left, knee-high," I said, shifting to make room for him. Senja felt for the direction I indicated and then sat beside me. He folded his cane, placing it between us. "No one's here yet," I said. "Oh, typical." He took out his phone from his pants pocket. Just like his laptop, the phone could also talk. "Call Eko," he said near the speaker. He then put the phone to his ear. I watched in silence. Huh, it turned out I still felt this, this incredibly fast heartbeat, which I didn't know how to stop. "No answer. Maybe he's still on the way." Senja put his phone back in his pocket. "I thought I was the latest one." We then fell silent. I put the earphone back in my left ear and enjoyed the song playing. I turned to Senja. He leaned forward, resting his head on his clasped hands. His eyes were closed. God, I missed this person so much. For two weeks now, I had been trying hard to stay away from him, afraid this feeling would hurt me. But it turned out that being away from him, keeping my distance from Senja, felt much more painful. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't stop remembering every second I had spent with him. "It's just the same this miss you game," I mumbled, following the song I was listening to. Senja's eyes were still closed. But he turned slightly towards me. "Thinking of my going, how to cut the thread and leave it all behind. Looking windward for my comfort. I take each day as it arrives...." I couldn't finish humming along to the song. This was truly agonizing. I really missed this person. I wanted to see his smile again, wanted to hear his laughter as often as before. I wanted to hug him tightly again. "Hey, been here long?" Manda, who had just stopped her motorbike in front of Senja and me, greeted us warmly. "Where are the others, Rekta?" she asked, taking off her helmet and mask. "Just the two of us," I replied. I turned off my phone and removed my earphones. "There's Damar and Eko." Manda pointed towards two motorbikes approaching us side-by-side. Winda was riding pillion with Damar. "Sorry, sorry we're late," Damar said. "Had to pick up the first lady first, you see." Winda gently hit Damar's head, making him wince. "Sorry," Eko added. "Let's go in!" Damar and Eko went ahead, entering the yard with their motorbikes, followed by Manda, who also went ahead of Senja and me to enter the school yard and report to the security guard. "Let's go in, Senja." I stood up, stuffing my phone and earphones into the front pocket of my bag. Senja also stood up. I was ready to step forward when I saw Senja open his hand. I froze for a moment, desperately wanting to take that outstretched hand, to let him hold my arm as he usually did. Only… I sighed. My hand reached out. Finally. I let Senja walk beside me, holding my arm. And just as I had suspected, that feeling hadn't disappeared; it was still there. The only difference was, this time it felt a little more painful, so much so that I had to take deep breaths repeatedly to ease my chest. "Ugh, schools are creepy when no one's around," Manda commented. "Not as creepy as you, Man. Don't worry," Damar said. Our laughter immediately erupted. All of us, except Manda, who looked ready to throw Damar into the school's septic tank. Senja laughed, and I immediately felt relieved seeing him laugh like that because it made me even more certain of how strong he was. I chose to sit near Eko, who, as usual, was immediately chosen as the group leader. It was safer. I would have more time to focus on this task than on paying attention to Senja later. I wanted to avoid that. I wanted to start getting used to not paying attention to him. Almost three hours later, our task was finished. Everyone had submitted their share of the work; everything had been collected and discussed. "How can you do that, Senja?" Manda moved her seat closer to Senja, also looking at his laptop screen. "Using special software?" Senja smiled. "Yes, Man. Using a screen reader," Senja replied. "Wow, cool," Manda praised. I packed up my things. I was reluctant to watch Manda, who seemed very enthusiastic asking about every item Senja owned. "I've already sorted out the report on GDrive, Eko," I said to Eko. "I've combined everything. Just need to print it." "Alright." Damar also commented. "You're printing it, right, Eko?" "Yes." Eko turned off his laptop and tidied his belongings. "This kid has been sticking to Senja all this time!" Winda glanced at Manda, who was still busy asking Senja this and that. "Pfft.. let her be." Manda stuck out her tongue. "Hey, hey, stop it. No need to fight over him. Senja belongs to Rekta," Damar said. I immediately looked up from the laptop screen. "What?" I asked. "It's over. No reruns," Damar said. Senja laughed. "Really, Senja?" Manda asked, confirming Damar's words. "Yes." Senja was still laughing. I swallowed. The word came out of him so smoothly, effortlessly. "Huh? Are you really dating Senja, Rekta?" Damar asked with an exaggerated tone. "No!" "Yes!" The two conflicting answers came out simultaneously from Senja and me. He answered Damar's question quickly, as if he didn't want me to answer it. "Wait.. wait..." Manda interjected. "So, are you two actually together or not?" Again, Senja and I answered simultaneously with different replies. "Why don't you just go along with it, Rekta?" Senja asked, laughing. "It's not funny, Senja," I said. No, this wasn't funny anymore. There was a strange expression on Senja's face when he heard my last words. But I chose not to dwell on it. I just wanted him to know that I didn't like this anymore. All of this: him, me. "Well, okay. So I conclude, you two aren't together yet. And I still have a chance. Period." Manda smiled broadly. "Me too," Damar said. "Rekta is already taken." Everyone immediately turned to me as soon as they heard those light words come from Senja's mouth. "You already have a boyfriend, Rekta?" Damar asked. "Yes," I replied. One word. But its impact was incredibly painful. "Well, I'm heartbroken," Damar suddenly said. "Heartbroken because of what?" Manda asked. "Senja?" Winda asked. "Devil!" Damar looked at Winda annoyed, making everyone laugh, except Senja. Senja was still smiling, although there was something different about his smile now. He had started packing his things with Manda, who, it turned out, was still asking him this and that. Seriously. That girl suddenly became so annoying. I turned on the music player on my phone again and plugged my ears with earphones. ♫ Take all your chances while you can. You never know when they'll pass you by. Like a sum the mathematician cannot solve. Like me trying my hardest to explain... ♫ "Can we go home now?" I asked as soon as the table in front of us was clear. I lowered the volume of the music player, making the Westlife song 'Chances' no longer sound too loud. "Let's go home. I really don't want to stay here overnight." Damar slung his backpack over his shoulder. We stood up, leaving the classroom. I deliberately didn't approach Senja, not wanting to walk with him, letting him walk with the other group members ahead of me. I really had to start reducing the time I spent with him. Ah, it was all the same. I didn't let him hold my arm, but I still kept looking at him repeatedly. I hated being like this, repeatedly convincing myself that I could slowly distance myself from him. But the truth was, I couldn't. I still wanted him by my side, walking with me. I desperately wanted to. I glanced at my right arm, where he usually placed his hand when walking with me. That arm was empty now, just like my feelings. Empty. ♫ It's all about your cries and kisses... Those first steps that I can't calculate...I need some more of you to take me over... ♫ That part of the song played in my ears. Ah, I shouldn't have listened to this song; it was too melancholic, making my feelings even more chaotic. So, I finally turned off the music player, removed the earphones from my ears, and put both into my bag. "I'll go first," Senja said as soon as we reached the motorbike parking area. "Okay. Be careful, Senja," Eko replied, then turned to me. "How are you getting home, Rekta?" he asked. "Getting picked up," I replied. "Let's go first." I walked away from them towards the archway, alongside Senja. "Already picked up?" Senja asked. His tone was normal, as if there was no issue with it. "Not yet, I think. I haven't told him either." Just as I finished answering his question, my phone vibrated. "Yes, Mas?" I answered. "Are you done?" "Yes." "Alright, wait a bit. Love you." "Yes. Love you, too." I stopped at the archway. Senja also stopped beside me. Soon after, three motorbikes carrying boisterous people passed us, going home ahead of us. Only the two of us were left now. "Rekta, I don't like that," Senja suddenly said. "Don't like what?" "Your sigh." He turned to face me. "Your tone of voice." I was speechless, unable to say anything. Senja was about to say something else when Mas Awan's motorbike stopped by the roadside, near us. Senja stopped, knowing Mas Awan had arrived. He sighed. "I'm going first, Senja," I said before going to Mas Awan. Mas Awan smiled, putting a helmet on my head. "Want some ronde?" he offered. "Sure." "To Ngarsopuro, right?" "Yes." I got on the back of Mas Awan's motorbike. "See you, Senja!" Mas Awan shouted from his motorbike. From near the archway, still standing where he was, Senja nodded his head and smiled. Mas Awan then sped off, letting his motorbike take me to Ngarsopuro, which was quiet this afternoon. This street was only busy on Sunday nights because of the night market. Other than that, it was quiet. There were only a few people sitting along the roadside, enjoying the afternoon. Even on a holiday like this. "Sir, two ronde, no peanuts, please?" Mas Awan then sat beside me after ordering two bowls of wedang ronde. "Why are you daydreaming?" I turned to him, averting my gaze from the decorative streetlights I had been staring at. "I'm not daydreaming," I countered. "You really love looking at those lights, don't you? What's so good about them?" "They're just nice to look at," I replied. Mas Awan took out his phone from his pants pocket. "Let's take a photo!" he said. He put his arm around my shoulder, pulled me into a hug, and then aimed the camera at our faces. "One.. Two.. Three!" I still managed to smile before Mas Awan took the photo. "Nice," he said. "I'll upload it to Facebook!" He removed his arm from my shoulder and then got busy with his phone. Mas Awan now had a Facebook account. Even though he used to vehemently refuse to create an account on that social media platform. But two weeks ago, he suddenly created a Facebook account and immediately added my name to his relationship status. And lately, he had also been uploading more photos of us together there. As if to solidify that I belonged to him. I turned to the left, looking along Ngarsopuro street. Not only did I want to see this place I always liked, but also to search for that spot, the place where for the first time I couldn't control myself and hugged him tightly. Senja. "Here's your ronde, Mas." I received a small bowl of wedang ronde from the vendor. Steam was still rising from the bowl. The aroma of ginger immediately wafted into my lungs with it. "This one's ginger is strong," Mas Awan commented. "Yes," I agreed with his comment, playing with my spoon, stirring the warm drink in the small bowl. Red palm fruit slices and three ronde balls swirled around in it. "Next month there's a family gathering, dear. Come along, okay? You haven't seen Mom in a while." "Yes," I replied curtly. "Mom often asks about you, when you can join the gatherings again." Mas Awan put one of the ronde balls into his mouth. None of the contents of my wedang ronde had diminished. I was still stirring it, not yet intending to put anything into my mouth. Instead, I tilted my head back, gazing at the sky that had begun to turn orange. "Beautiful, isn't it?" I turned, Mas Awan beside me was also looking at the sky. He turned to me and smiled. "You really love sunsets, don't you?" he asked. My head nodded, and I smiled. "Why?" I shrugged. "Maybe because it's beautiful," I replied before leaving the sky, instead looking at the bowl in my hand, then putting a spoonful of ginger water into my mouth. I kept spooning the ginger water, repeatedly and with relatively short pauses, hoping its warmth could warm my now empty chest and lessen the pain there. Even the orange color that usually made me feel calm now also made my chest ache. "It is beautiful, indeed!" Mas Awan placed his empty bowl beside him. "Hey, why aren't you eating the ronde?" he asked, pointing to the three glutinous rice balls filled with sugar that were still in my bowl. I shook my head, offering my bowl to him. Mas Awan smiled. He didn't take the bowl I offered, but opened his mouth. I suppressed a smile and began to feed him. Mas Awan took out his phone again. He scrolled through his phone, and soon a song started playing from it. ♫ Another day without your smile, another day just passes by... But now I know how much it means for you to stay right here with me... ♫ Melancholic. I recognized that voice: Shane Filan, Westlife. Mas Awan opened his mouth again. I put another ronde ball into his mouth. "I found this song yesterday. It's a good one," Mas Awan said while chewing the ronde. ♫ I wanna grow old with you, I wanna die lying in your arms I wanna grow old with you, I wanna be looking in your eyes I wanna be there for you, sharing in everything you do I wanna grow old with you...♫ I smiled wryly hearing the chorus of this song. I wanted that too, unfortunately not with Mas Awan. Unfortunately, I also couldn't have the person I desired. "Westlife, Mas?" I guessed. "Hehe.. Yes." He laughed. "A guy listening to Westlife songs." "It's fine. What matters is that you love me. That's enough." There was a deep stab in my chest again now. Deep and painful. *** I pushed open the window panes of my room, opening the window wide, then sat there. I came home late today. The sky was almost dark now. My time with the sun was no longer long. ♫ Hard to find a way to get through, it's a tragedy Pulling at me like the stars do, you're like gravity ♫ Westlife's 'Safe' played in my ears. My attention was diverted by the vibration of the phone in my hand. There was one text message. Twilight Sky : Escorting the sun home? I took a deep breath, trying to calm my suddenly constricted breathing. I ignored the text message, not wanting to reply. Just like these past few days. I thought his meeting with Mas Awan a few days ago was enough to clarify everything. Just like my attitude towards him lately. Soon after, the song playing in my ears completely stopped. I knew he would call. "Yes, Senja?" I asked, trying to sound calm, after taking several deep breaths. "What's wrong with you?" he asked, getting straight to the point, as he usually did. I was surprised by his question. He should have known what was wrong. I was surprised by him. I was surprised by how many times he had asked me the same question. I took long breaths repeatedly, pausing. I deliberately paused, giving myself a chance to choose the words I had to say. "You know what's wrong, Senja," I finally said. I clearly heard Senja sigh. "I know, Rekta. I just want to hear everything directly. I just want you to speak, want you to express your true feelings about all of this." Again, I was silent. But this time it wasn't a deliberate pause. My mind was completely blank, unable to think. "Rekta?" That tone, that tone in his call, he was worried about me. I still couldn't say anything else. Everything felt like a nightmare now; I felt like running away and hiding. I didn't want to face this, didn't want to face him, face Senja. "Rekta, I.." "Sorry, Senja," I quickly cut him off. "I'm the one who's wrong, Senja. I apologize. But, I can't do this anymore." "Do what?" Senja asked. His question made me realize. Do what? Was there ever anything between him and me? "Rekta?" "This... Us...," I finally replied. I took a deep breath. "We both know what's going on, and we both know this is wrong." "Oh, that." That was Senja's only comment. We both remained silent for a long time but neither of us hung up the phone. We were both waiting. Then my tears started to fall. Repeatedly I tried to wipe them away, but my tears kept falling, refusing to stop. "Rekta?" That worried tone was still in his voice, deepening the stab in my chest, adding to the pain. I still couldn't understand him. What was his heart made of? Shouldn't he be angry? Why was he worried about me instead? "I know this is your decision. But I can't, Rekta," Senja said. "I can't let you go like this." I quickly hung up the phone. Then the song started playing in my ears again. Then, my tears flowed even faster, and my sobs grew louder. ♫ How you gonna love? How you gonna feel? How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real? If you lost your way, I will keep you safe ♫ To be continued