Twilight Sky Part 14

This morning I deliberately came early. I had to sort things out with Ei. I'd be the biggest fool if I let myself lose Ei over a problem like this. "Ei," I called out when I found her engrossed in her workbook. Ei looked up, paused her work, and then stared at me. That was it. She said nothing, just stared with an unreadable expression, making me sigh. "Sorry," I finally said softly. "Alright, I forgive you. But if you ever do that again, don't expect to go home from school in one piece!" she said. I immediately hugged the skinny girl, holding her tight. "No, Ta. I should be the one apologizing. Sorry, Ta. I went too far," she said in my embrace. "You two act like there are no other guys in the world. Tsk tsk tsk..." Damar, who had just arrived, made a disgusted face as he said that. Senja, who had just sat down in the chair in front of me, smiled when she heard Damar's comment. She looked happy, knowing that Ei and I were on good terms again. "If the only guys are like you, Dam, I'd still choose Ei," I retorted. "And do you think I'd want to be with you?" Ei pushed me away. Ah, I felt quite relieved now. At least one of my problems was resolved. Actually, I felt two had been resolved. This one and last night. Last night I resolved another problem. I think. I think. I don't know if I've truly resolved a problem or if I'm just running away from one. I hoped that after last night, after the decision I made, I would be able to go through today without having to think about her, Senja. But it turned out I still spent the first class period staring at her, just like always. "Mr. Warsito is watching you!" Ei whispered, her eyes still fixed on the whiteboard. I quickly straightened up, trying to pay attention to the whiteboard, which was already covered in the teacher's scribbles. Trying to hold on. At least until the first break bell rang. *** "You're so listless today?" Ei commented as Mr. Slameto, who taught the third period, left the classroom. I responded to Ei's comment with a forced smile. "Yeah. Why, Ta?" Senja asked. She looked at me. I lowered my head, not wanting to look at her face. But it turned out that even without looking at her, my heart was now beating so fast and I was almost out of breath. This feeling, which was usually pleasant, was now hurting me. "I slept late last night," I said. I rested my head on the desk. "Dewi, Mr. Ngadiyo is calling you!" Manda shouted from the door. "Huh? Me?" Ei asked, pointing to her own nose. "Yeah. Hurry up! It seems really important." "Okay. Thanks." Ei stood up. "To the office for a bit, okay?" Ei quickly walked out of the classroom. Only Senja and I were left now. For the first time, I wished the break bell would ring soon. I wanted time to pass quickly. "What's wrong, Rekta?" Senja asked. "Ja, can I ask you something?" I asked, reluctant to answer her question. "What?" "If you fall in love, would you fight for your love?" Senja smiled. "Love, huh?" she said. "Fight for it in what way?" "If you fall in love and someone else tries to take them away." "No." I looked at her in surprise. "So you don't really love them then?" "I've told you before. Love doesn't have to mean possession." My body straightened immediately when I heard her answer. "But at least there should be an effort to fight for it," I protested. "What's wrong with you?" She repeated her question. I sighed, silent, not answering her. She was different from Mas Awan. Mas Awan was so afraid of losing me. Last night, after he found out I had lied to him yesterday afternoon and after a rather long conversation about our relationship, before he left, he hugged me very tightly and kissed my forehead. He said he didn't want to lose me. He apologized for feeling like he hadn't been a good man for me. He apologized. He said he loved me so much. Not just once, but many times. But this person, who without doing anything could drive me crazy, make my heart beat super fast, and fill my chest with happiness, said she wouldn't fight for the person she loved. She wouldn't hold onto the person she loved if someone wanted to take them away. "Ja?" I called again. "What, Rekta?" "Have you ever been in love?" "Yes." "Truly in love? To the point where you feel like you can't live without them?" There was a look of surprise on Senja's face. But she answered my question anyway. "No," she said. "That kind of thing doesn't make sense, Rekta. No matter how much we love someone, we still have to be able to live without them." There is, Ja, I thought. Yes, there are people who love like that. Mas Awan. Ah, but she's not Mas Awan. She's Senja. I silently watched Senja. Suddenly I felt like the biggest fool. If she wouldn't do anything to keep me, then why should I stay, why should I hold onto her? So maybe I really should let her go, let go of these feelings. I sighed and stood up. "I'm hungry, Ja. I'm going to the canteen first," I said, giving an excuse. When in reality, I just didn't want to look at her any longer. "Okay," she said. I quickly walked out of the classroom. I met Ei at the door, whom I immediately pulled to the canteen. "What's wrong, Ta?" she asked. "What do you mean, 'what's wrong'?" "You've been so down all day," Ei commented. "Haven't you met Senja already? You should have a little more energy!" I remained silent, walking without commenting. I suddenly felt her looking at me. I turned and indeed Ei was looking at me. "What?" I asked. "What's wrong with you?" "Nothing," I replied. "But, Ei, can I ask you for a favor? Please, don't mention Senja again, okay?" I smiled. Ei looked surprised by what I had just said. "What do you mean?" "I've made my choice, Ei. I don't want to hurt Mas Awan anymore. He's too good, too good for me to hurt him like this." "You don't want to hurt Mas Awan, but you're sacrificing yourself?" "Before I knew Senja, I was fine, you know. So, I think I'll be fine again." She still looked at me with disbelief. "Then what about Senja?" "She's stronger than Mas Awan, Ei." "But..." "Please, Ei," I cut her off quickly before she could finish her sentence. I saw her sigh in annoyance. But her head finally nodded. She agreed to my request. I knew this would hurt and might take a long time. But one day, this pain would also disappear. One day, who knows when. *** My steps halted at the classroom door. My eyes were fixed on the front corner. It felt like déjà vu: the same place, the same position, more than half a year ago. She sat there with earphones in her ears, I stood here frozen, staring at her, and my chest felt like it was being pounded from within. It still felt the same. Still like this. I sighed, lowered my head, keeping her out of my sight, then continued walking, turning down the first aisle, returning to my old favorite desk. I needed to get away from Senja, needed to avoid her. Yes, it was better this way. "Ta, have you done the Indonesian homework?" Reno, who had just entered the classroom and placed his bag on the desk behind me, immediately asked about the homework. "Of course!" I replied, then took out my assignment book and handed it to Reno. "Do you think I want to borrow it?" Reno asked. "I was just asking if you'd done it or not." Reno put on a 'playing hard to get' face. "Okay," I said. "No more borrowing!" "Hey, hey... just kidding, Ta. Kidding." Reno pulled my hand, held my book, then took it from my grasp. I laughed. Reno was back to his old self, no longer limiting his interactions with me. Just like before. "Morning!" Ei greeted, placing her bag on the empty desk next to me. She looked at me strangely, making me stop laughing. Ei then sat down, not asking me anything. "Indonesian homework, right?" she asked Reno. "Yeah." "Sir, PR means homework," Ei said again. "I've already moved house here, you know," Reno replied casually. Ei looked at me, smiling. More like a reassuring smile. She still didn't comment on anything, didn't mention anything about Senja. Good. And today was still going according to my wishes. There was no talk about Senja at all. "Rekta," Eko called. I, who had been about to leave the classroom, stopped, turned around, and reluctantly approached his desk. "Hi, Ja," I greeted, trying to sound as normal as possible. "Rekta," she replied with a smile. I turned to Eko. "What is it, Ko?" I asked. Eko handed me a sheet of paper containing the group assignments for Biology. I looked for my name and found it in a box with Winda Serafika, Eko Priyo Ahmadi, Langit Senja, Damar Pratama, and Renata Amanda. Great. I was in a group with her. "Where did you get this?" I asked. "Ms. Wening gave it to me before she left. When do you want to work on it?" Eko asked. "When's the deadline?" "Still a long way off. Two more weeks." "Let's ask the others first, okay?" "Okay," Eko said. He stood up and then posted the group assignments on the class bulletin board. "Rekta?" Senja called. "Yes, Ja?" I asked. "Are you coming over this afternoon?" she asked. I had expected Senja to ask that. Extracurricular activities were starting again this afternoon. "I don't know yet, Ja. We'll see later, okay?" I said, reluctant to give a definite answer. "Oh, okay then." Senja smiled. But I saw a look of disappointment on her face. "I'm going to the canteen first," I said before quickly walking towards Ei, who was waiting for me at the door. "What is it?" Ei asked. "Biology group assignments." "Are we in the same group?" I shook my head. "No. I'm with Winda, Manda, Damar, Eko... Senja." I paused before saying the last name. Ei sighed. "Ta, are you serious about this?" she asked. I looked at her. "About choosing Mas Awan?" "Let's eat, Ei. I'm hungry." I walked ahead of her into the canteen. There was no more discussion about me after that. Ei mostly stayed silent or talked about other unimportant things. The last two class periods were also filled with silence. Mas Awan: I'm out front. Love you. That text message arrived just as the dismissal bell rang. I didn't reply. Last night, Mas Awan had indeed said he would pick me up this afternoon, accompany me for lunch, and then take me back to school. I then put my phone into my jacket pocket before slinging my backpack on and standing up. Senja was still at her desk, still chatting with Eko while tidying her things. Initially, I wanted to go over and tell her that I wouldn't be going to her house this afternoon. But I held back. I chose to follow Ei out of the classroom instead. I wouldn't be ready if she asked for my reason. I could never lie to her, and I was still not ready to discuss Mas Awan in front of her. It was strange. After all, she already knew about Mas Awan. It's just... I don't know. “Are you going home first after this?” Ei asked. "Yeah, I think so. To change clothes and drop off my stuff. My bag is really heavy today." "Your bag or your thoughts?" "Ei... please..." "Sorry." Ei gave a mischievous smile. "Your ride isn't here yet, huh? Need company?" "Am I Abim? Like I'll get lost if no one waits for me?" "Can't you just not bring that up? It makes me feel like the worst older sister in the world!" "Sorry." I returned her mischievous smile. "My ride's already here," I explained, pointing towards Mas Awan. For some reason, Ei didn't return my mischievous smile. She just stared at me silently, as if something was wrong with me. "What?" I asked. "Nothing," she said. "See you tomorrow, my love." I still tried to joke with her. My joke was only met with a stiff smile from Ei. The girl waved at Mas Awan before walking towards her motorbike parked under a large tree outside the school fence. "I'm going first, Ta," she said. I nodded and then walked in the opposite direction from Ei, towards Mas Awan. He smiled at me when I reached him and immediately put a helmet on my head. "Let's go home first, okay? After that, we'll eat and then head back to school," he said. I nodded, agreeing. Mas Awan immediately started his motorbike, taking me home. "Are Dad and Mom both working the day shift?" Mas Awan dropped onto the living room sofa. Instead of answering, I just stared blankly at Mas Awan, remembering the night I spent here with him, resolving our issues. Resolving. "Dek?" I snapped out of it. "Oh, no. Dad's at a three-day training in Tawang Mangu. Mom's working the day shift," I replied. "I'm going to change first." I half-ran up the stairs and into my room, tossing my bag onto the bed, and quickly changed my clothes. I had to keep moving so that the memories of that afternoon wouldn't overwhelm me. But it seemed that no matter how much or how fast I moved, those memories still came. They still filled my head. They still injected that pain into my heart, reminding me of what kind of person I truly was. *** Mas Awan: Dek, wait a sec, okay? I'm already in the campus parking lot. Love you. I put my phone back into my pocket. Actually, I had hoped Mas Awan wouldn't be late picking me up this afternoon, so I could just escape immediately. I preferred to run away rather than... "Rekta?" This. I didn't want this, wanted to avoid this. I looked up when I heard the call. Senja was already in front of me, ready to go home. So here we were now. "Hi, Ja!" I smiled, greeting her back as casually as possible. Senja extended her left hand to me, forcing me to take a deep breath before taking her outstretched hand, letting her pull me to my feet and then placing her hand on my arm. "Where did you go earlier?" she asked as we started walking together. "Home." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Hehehe... Sorry. I was in a hurry." "It seems like the sun wants to hide, doesn't it?" Senja said, not connecting to our previous conversation. I turned to her. I knew the sky had been cloudy these past few days, but somehow, I felt her words were aimed at me. Senja smiled. Her eyes were closed. I saw her shoulders rise as she filled her lungs with air. "These past few days, the sun seems like it doesn't want to come out. Like it's avoiding something." She continued her words. And yes, it seemed she was indeed hinting at me. "It's probably just the rainy season starting, Ja," I said. "You're weird," she said. Finally. "Weird how?" "You've been acting weird," she said. "Ever since you came to my house last Monday." "It's just your imagination." "Are you avoiding me?" I didn't know if Senja's last sentence was a question or a statement. Her tone was ambiguous to me. So I just let it be, not answering. I reached into my jacket pocket, taking out my phone. My eyes stared at the time displayed on its screen, caught between hoping the time wouldn't change and wishing it would change faster than it should. I didn't want time to pass. So Mas Awan wouldn't have to come. So I could be with Senja longer, could look at her longer, could hear her voice longer. But another part of me wanted time to move faster than this, didn't want to be next to her for too long because now, every time it was like this, I felt like the worst person in the world. Besides, I also didn't want to be interrogated any further. "What's wrong, Rekta?" Senja asked. "Aren't you tired of asking that, Ja?" I asked back. Senja sighed. I was sure she knew something was wrong. She always knew. "Rekta?" I put the phone back into my jacket pocket. I took a long breath, looking at Senja. "Nothing's wrong, Ja. I'm fine." I knew my answer didn't satisfy Senja. But she didn't demand further explanation. At least for now. "Oh, sorry, Ja." I stopped in front of the school bathroom. "I'm going to the toilet for a bit. You go ahead, okay?" Senja released her hand from my arm. She nodded. "Okay then. I'll go first. Be careful on your way home." "Yeah." "Rekta?" I paused my step towards the bathroom. "Yes?" "I know you're not okay." "Alright, Ja. I really need to go!" I quickly entered the bathroom. Running away, more precisely, because I didn't need to go at all. I just needed an excuse to breathe for a moment and get away from Senja. I stood in front of the large mirror above the sink near the bathroom door. For a moment, I just stood still, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I thought leaving Senja would be easy, as easy as when I let her wreak havoc on my heart. I thought that since she wasn't in my life before, living without her would be as easy as it used to be. It turned out I was wrong. It wasn't that easy. I sighed before turning on the faucet, splashing water on my face, and stepping out of the bathroom. Mas Awan must have been waiting for me out front. A feeling of discomfort settled in my chest when I saw a black car parked in the schoolyard, near the security post. My stomach immediately twisted. It felt very uncomfortable. I knew that car. Mas Awan. And what made me even more uncomfortable was the fact that Mas Awan was currently standing near the car, chatting with Senja. My steps felt heavy getting there. I didn't know what they were talking about. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know. "Oh, you're done?" Mas Awan smiled, greeting me, making Senja turn slightly towards me. "Done." I still tried to drag my feet towards them. "Alright then. I'll go first." Senja smiled. "Yes. Thank you, okay?" Mas Awan said. "You're welcome." Senja turned to me. "I'm going first, Rekta." "Yeah. Be careful." "You, too," she said, just like always. And just like always, I couldn't take my eyes off her. There was still the same reluctance I always felt whenever I had to part from her. A strange feeling, one that seemed not to care that Mas Awan was now standing next to me, holding my hand. "Come on, let's go home." Mas Awan released my hand, inviting me into the car. "You rarely drive the car," I commented as I sat down, trying to sound as lighthearted as possible, not showing my true feelings. "You said you didn't like driving the car? You can't weave through traffic if you drive a car?" Mas Awan just glanced at me, smiling briefly. His eyes then focused on the road stretching before us. It only seemed that way. But I knew there were many things on his mind now. So then I chose to remain silent. "What were you talking about with Senja earlier?" I finally couldn't bear to stay silent, couldn't bear not to ask. There was a faint smile on Mas Awan's face. As if he had been waiting for this question. "Nothing. I was just asking about you. You weren't there when I arrived." He turned to me, placed his hand on mine, gently squeezing my fingers. He was lying. I knew he was lying. There was something he wasn't telling me. Once again, Mas Awan squeezed my hand. He smiled and also looked at me when I looked at him. "I love you," he said before returning his attention to the road ahead of us. I looked out the window, searching for anything to see, to get rid of the discomfort that had suddenly entered my chest again.   To be continued