Senja's Sky Part 11

Still no news from Senja. Since returning from our outing two days ago, his phone has been inactive. He also didn't go to school today. I don't know why. "Want to go out?" Mom asked. I put down my phone and turned to her. "No, Mom." "Oh, I thought you were meeting someone to go out. You've been staring at your phone." "Hehehe.." I stood up and approached Mom, who was busy finishing her knitting. "What are you making, Mom?" I asked. "This, a friend of mine asked me to knit a dress for her baby. Is it nice?" Mom showed off the almost-finished knitted dress for a baby girl. "Absolutely gorgeous!" "Oh, by the way, I saw an orange dress on the clothesline earlier. New clothes?" Mom asked without stopping her knitting. Suddenly I felt awkward. "Uh, well... That..." Mom turned to me, stopping her hands. "Did you buy new clothes?" I shook my head. "Then?" "It was given to me." "Oh... Awan has good taste too." Mom went back to knitting. "Senja." Stupid! Mom smiled. "Ooooooh..." My face must be bright red now. It felt so hot. I don't know why, but I felt sooooo embarrassed. I should have just kept quiet so Mom would still think the dress was from Mas Awan. Fortunately, the phone I had placed on the sofa in front of the television rang, so I had an excuse to stand up and quickly grab it, taking it to my room on the second floor. "What, Ei?" I asked as soon as I answered the call. "Let's go out!!! I'm sooooo bored. Seriously. There's no one home." "Where to?" "Just out. To the mall. And look for shoes." "Later, okay? I'll tell Mas Awan first." "Okay." Ei hung up. I then called Mas Awan's number. Before the third ring, he picked up. "Yes, dear?" he asked. There was quite a bit of noise in the background. "Mas, I'm going out with Ei." "Where to?" "Just to accompany her to buy shoes at the mall." "Which mall?" "I don't know yet. But probably Solo Square." "Just the two of you?" "Yes." "Alright. Be careful. Don't come home too late." "Yes." I then ended the call and quickly typed a text message. Me: Okay. See you at the mall, then. Ei: Awesome. I'm leaving now. Solo Square, right? Me: Yeah I almost threw the phone onto the bed. I stopped myself, reopened the messaging app, and checked the delivery report of my last message to Senja two days ago. The message was sent. Before his number became unreachable, that text message had indeed been sent. And usually, if nothing was wrong, he would definitely contact me. But this... I pressed the call button on Senja's number. The number was still inactive. Ugh, how annoying. Even though I miss him so much. I sighed, put my phone into the small bag that already contained my wallet, then quickly changed my clothes, and hurried down the stairs. "Mom, I'm going out, okay? Ei invited me to the mall." "Don't come home too late, though." "Aye aye, Captain!" I kissed Mom's cheek, letting her kiss mine, then walked quickly out of the house because my ordered motorcycle taxi had arrived. The sky was a bit cloudy this afternoon. But hopefully, it wouldn't rain. At least, not in the western part of the city. I really hate going out when it rains. It's such a hassle. "I loooove you so much, Taaaaa..." Ei greeted me with a super wide smile in the mall's front lobby. "Only when you want something," I scoffed. Ei's smile grew even wider. She then linked her arm with mine and led me into the mall building. The cool air immediately greeted us, replacing the heat outside. "Where do you want to look for shoes?" I asked. "Let's just walk around first... A warm-up." I glanced at that skinny person. "Want to exercise?" "I just want to look for shoes, actually. But we'll see later. While there's a discount," Ei replied innocently. And for the next two hours, she kept dragging me here and there. First shoes, then clothes, then cosmetics, then who knows what else. I couldn't remember clearly anymore. It was too much. "What are you actually looking for, Ei?" I finally asked. "You're really no fun to shop with. You have to compare things first, Ta," she said while trying on shoes. "Good, right?" she asked. "Good," I replied. I dropped onto a seat provided for customers. It was nice to rest my feet, which were getting tired from Ei's 'workout'. Ei returned the shoes she had just tried on, then picked up another pair. "Hey, Ta. Where's Senja? He wasn't in school today, right?" Hmm... even though this afternoon I had managed to somewhat forget about Senja and the uncertainty of his whereabouts. "I don't know," I replied. "How can you not know?" Ei pointed at the shoes she was trying on, asking for my opinion. "Do I have to know?" I asked back, shaking my head towards the shoes she was trying on. "Well... not really. But you're the closest to him. How could he not tell you?" I shook my head. "Hey, do you know that guys actually don't really like Senja?" "Why?" "They say Senja is arrogant, conceited, and acts like he's the smartest in class." "What do you think?" I asked. "He's just okay, really. It's just that... sometimes when he talks, it's like he doesn't consider the feelings of the person he's talking to." I silently watched the person examining the rows of shoes. It was quite a while until she finally realized I was staring at her. Ei sighed. "Yeah, yeah... Sometimes when I talk, I don't consider the feelings of the person I'm talking to either. Just like Senja," she said. "Not sometimes, often," I corrected. "Whatever you say." She picked up another pair of shoes and tried them on, admiring herself in the mirror. "But seriously, Ta," she said. She paused for a moment. "What sins did you commit in your past life, seriously? How could you be destined to be friends with people like me and Senja in this life? Your life must be truly miserable, huh?" "Ha ha ha." I paused between each syllable. "Funny," I said. "You're already friends with me, and then your first love is a guy like Senja." "Enough, Ei. Don't start again," I complained. "Are you really not in love with him? Sure? Would you be okay if he went out with another girl?" "What are you talking about?" "Don't regret it later." "That's enough!" Ei shrugged and walked away from me towards a row of shoes further from the entrance. Yes. Would I really be okay with Senja going out with another girl? No. I wouldn't. I quickly pulled my phone out of my bag. Still no reply from Senja. The message I sent two days ago, the one that was reported as delivered before his number became unreachable, still hasn't been replied to. I then pressed the call button, calling his number. Active. "Who are you calling?" Ei asked, sitting next to me. I just answered with a smile. The number was active, but my call wasn't answered. "Senja. His number has been inactive since last Saturday. It just became active now. But he's not picking up," I finally explained. "If Mas Awan were like this, would you be this worried?" "What do you mean?" "Well, I've just never seen you this worried when Mas Awan doesn't contact you or his number is inactive." I didn't respond to Ei anymore. "Come on, Ta. You don't have to deny it anymore. You're in love with Senja, aren't you?" "Why are you so insistent that I have to be in love with Senja?" "It's not like that. I'm just frustrated seeing you waste your time with the wrong person like this. It would be one thing if it made you happy. But this. Every second you're checked on where you are, who you're with, what you're doing, if you've eaten yet. Constantly supervised. You have to say goodbye everywhere, you have to get permission. Everything is handled by Mas Awan, arranged this and that. Is that kind of life really enjoyable? I see it as not fun, not free." "Enough, Ei. Don't talk about this anymore." "Ta..." I looked at Ei lazily. "Try asking your heart." I shook my head slowly, signaling that I really didn't want to discuss this. "Alright. Whatever." Ei shrugged. "Let's go home!" she invited. "There aren't any good shoes anyway." She then pushed me out of the shoe store we had entered about thirty minutes ago. My phone vibrated. I quickly pulled it out of my bag again. "Yes, Mas?" I asked as soon as I answered the call. "Still at Solo Square?" "Still, but I'm about to go home." "Where are you? I just arrived at the lobby." Ei asked silently, "Who? Awan?" I nodded. "On the ground floor, at the back, near the shoes." "Okay. Wait there. I'll come to you." The call ended. Ei didn't say anything. But, from her gaze, I knew she didn't like this very much. The girl was still willing to wait for Mas Awan, but quickly said goodbye as soon as he arrived. "Let's watch a movie. There's a good one," Mas Awan invited, pulling me up the escalator. As usual, I just agreed. *** Mas Awan tightened his grip on my hand, pulling me closer to him, making way for a man who had also just exited the cinema where we had watched the movie. "Where do you want to go after this?" he asked. "Where do you want to go?" "Are you hungry?" "Are you hungry?" I asked. "Mmm... not really. But I'm craving pizza." "Okay," I said briefly. I let him pull me to the pizza place on the ground floor. "This one, want it?" Mas Awan pointed to one of the items on the menu. I nodded my head without even looking at what Mas Awan had chosen. He called the waiter, stated his order, and let the waiter leave after repeating our order and getting approval. "How's school?" Mas Awan's question made me start paying attention to him. "Why are you suddenly asking about school?" "You... every time I ask, you ask back." Mas Awan smiled. "Hmm... school will probably be fine even though it's almost vacation," I finally replied. Mas Awan chuckled. "Yes, yes..." he said. "It's nice to have a week off. What are you going to do next holiday?" I shrugged. He then just nodded his head. "Oh, by the way, I met Dad and Mom at the hospital this morning," Mas Awan said, stirring his drink with a straw. "Dad was talking about tutoring." "Tutoring?" "Yes. Dad asked what tutoring I joined yesterday to prepare for the National Exam and college entrance exams." I rolled my eyes. Dad was always like this. Indeed, Dad had asked me several times about tutoring, asking me to register immediately to prepare for the national exam and college entrance selection later. Even though I knew my abilities. I knew I could do it. Does Dad really have so little faith in my abilities? "Dad's intentions are good, dear. He just wants you to be truly prepared." Mas Awan seemed to know I didn't like discussing this. Just wants you to be truly prepared. I repeated Mas Awan's words in my head, but didn't say anything. "Just go along with what Dad wants, prove you can get into medical school. That's all Dad is asking for. Just focus on studying. There's no harm in joining tutoring, right? Getting into medical school isn't easy, so you have to prepare from now. In fact, you should have started last year." I didn't comment. But unlike usual, this time I wasn't just lazy to respond to this topic. I was just too busy with my head filled with Senja's words that day. "Why? Is something wrong?" he asked. I shook my head. "No," I replied. I then lifted my face, looking at him. "What if I don't want to go to medical school?" Mas Awan looked at me in surprise. "Why?" he asked. "Well, I don't want to be a doctor." "Then what do you want to be?" "A nurse, maybe. Or a teacher..." "A nurse? A teacher?" I didn't like the tone of Mas Awan's question just now. "Why? What's wrong with being a nurse or a teacher?" I asked. Mas Awan looked at me in surprise again. "What's wrong with you, dear?" he asked. "Nothing." "Dad just wants what's best for you." I didn't say anything, again choosing to remain silent. Stupid. I should have just kept quiet, not pretended to express my desires. I should have just stayed silent as usual, like my usual self, no need to pretend to be different. It won't work. "Excuse me, sir. Your order." A waitress in black came to deliver our lunch. "Thank you," I said to the girl who replied with a wide smile. I let Mas Awan take his first slice of pizza, then followed by taking one for myself. We then ate in silence. It was alright. I found a distraction, no longer having to look at Mas Awan. But unfortunately, now my head was even more filled with Senja, just like it had been for the past few days since we spent time together. "Are you still sitting next to Ei in class?" Mas Awan asked after our rather long silence. He took his third slice of pizza and bit into it. "Still." "Who does Senja sit with?" The unpleasant feeling from the previous conversation suddenly churned in my chest when Mas Awan mentioned that name in our chat. "Eko." "Eko must be a really good kid, right?" "Why?" "Well, no. It must be a hassle having to help Senja in class." I don't know. I feel like I've felt this way before. It feels like Mas Awan looks down on Senja. Ah, not just feels like. I always feel this way whenever Mas Awan talks about Senja. I always feel that, for Mas Awan, Senja is very dependent on others, always needs help, very troublesome. "You're often bothered by him too, aren't you?" I lifted my face, looking at Mas Awan. He was actually looking at me. "No, not at all." I answered quickly. "Why are you suddenly talking about Senja?" Mas Awan looked at me in surprise. "Why do you seem to dislike it every time I talk about Senja?" "Who said I don't like it?" I refrained from eating my last slice of pizza, instead pushing my plate away. My appetite suddenly vanished. "Well, you didn't say it, but I could feel it." "Alright. Let's not talk about it then." "Alright. I don't want to argue with you either." "Who's trying to argue?" I asked. Mas Awan sighed. "What's wrong with you, dear?" I didn't answer his question, instead turning my gaze to the super wide window next to me, looking at the dark night adorned with streetlights. I only turned back when Mas Awan stood up and left me to go to the washroom. His sigh was quite audible just now. It seems it will always be like this. I will always feel uncomfortable whenever Mas Awan talks about Senja, and then I'll respond with that tone, and our conversation will become unpleasant like just now. It seems I should end everything now. This relationship. "Done?" Mas Awan asked. The glass that had contained iced coffee was now empty. Mas Awan, who had returned to sit opposite me, had just finished its contents. He now leaned back and silently looked at me for a moment, before then inviting me to get up and go home. The ride home tonight was silent. Mas Awan didn't try to make conversation as usual. Nor did he try to tighten my arms around his waist. But tonight, without him asking, I rested my head on his back, trying to find something I wasn't sure of. The conviction to stay, or the conviction to end this relationship. I don't know. It felt truly uncomfortable. This relationship felt uncomfortable. My head was filled with Ei's words from the shoe store earlier. Ah, that person. I sometimes hate her. I hate how she puts all sorts of words into my head even when I resist. Somehow her words always manage to get into my brain, bothering me. I jumped off the back of the motorcycle as soon as Mas Awan stopped it in front of the house. I quickly opened the gate and stepped inside. Mas Awan followed me from behind. He immediately dropped into a chair as soon as he reached the porch, then took out his phone and turned it on. "Want something to drink?" I asked while turning the front door key. Mas Awan shook his head. I decided not to go inside and chose to sit beside him. "Did you go to CFD that Sunday?" I frowned, surprised by Mas Awan's question. He suddenly asked about the Car Free Day I had attended a few months ago. Nevertheless, I answered him. "Yes." "With whom?" "Ei." "Just the two of you?" He asked all these questions without even looking up from his phone screen. "Yes." I nodded. For some reason, I sensed a tone of disbelief in Mas Awan's last question. "Why?" I asked back, questioning his disbelief. "Nothing." He still didn't look at me. "Did you buy anything?" "Didn't buy anything. Just walked around." I explained. There was a bitter smile on Mas Awan's face. "Were you really just with Ei at CFD?" Mas Awan repeated his question. I turned my face away, suddenly not wanting to look at Mas Awan. We then both fell silent until I finally couldn't take it anymore and stood up, preparing to leave him. "Dear." Mas Awan moved quickly, grabbing my hand. He had already placed his phone on the table. "Sorry," he said. "I just... I actually went to CFD that day and I saw you with Senja. I saw you talking a lot with him. I saw you laughing with him. You... you were different. I'd never seen you like that before. You looked so happy, and I didn't like it." He paused. "I also don't like the fact that you could laugh so freely with him, not me. I don't like the fact that you even hid that from me." I was about to open my mouth when Mas Awan suddenly tightened his grip on my hand. "Dear, you need to know, I really love you," he said. "I'm sorry if I haven't been a good boyfriend to you all this time. But I promise I'll be a better boyfriend for you. I can't be without you." Then suddenly I felt empty. To be continued