The drops rippled. The drizzle pattered. Ripples and patters mingled as one, merging and bringing my consciousness back after what felt like hours of wrestling with dreams. I stretched. Slowly and seemingly reluctantly, that was the movement I made as I tried to open my eyes. A sweet dolphin doll perched on the table; that was the first thing I saw.
But its color wasn't blue. Misty and blurry, ah, my dolphin wasn't clearly visible.
‘I hate you, I love you…I hate you that I want you…’ Someone was screaming in my ear. It wasn't very loud, but enough to make my gaze shift. A white touchscreen phone, that's where the scream came from. Apparently, I had forgotten to turn off my favorite song on my phone. Let it be, I said with a gesture that didn't even touch the phone. I then peered out the window.
It was still raining outside, even though the sky was already dark. I wondered what time my pig alarm clock was showing. 20:35, that's the number I saw on the pink robot pig's body. Still early evening, I mumbled. Beside me, I saw a young man older than me sound asleep, a blue t-shirt clinging to his body. I took a long breath. Something emanated from that oval face.
His eyes were closed, but from behind them, I seemed to see the times that once were, where I laughed and cried. I knew this young man, knew him very well. I observed every one of his breaths. I felt as if I could feel that breath. That breath seemed like advice he often mumbled when I lost my way. God, what does all this truly mean? From a distance, thunder suddenly roared.
I was startled by the lightning that burst into the room as the lights went out. Dark, dense, and that oval face disappeared from view. In that instant, I realized my feelings were adrift in the open sky like a broken kite. Darkness and density still lingered, but a glimmer of light seemed to emerge from the phone that was still playing ‘I hate you, I love you’.
With that meager light, I tried to reach for my study desk, where I knew my blue dolphin doll was. But that wasn't my goal. A tube-shaped object with a button on one side, that's what I was aiming for. With a single flick, I pressed the button, and the twinkling moon and stars instantly filled my room. Beautiful, I mumbled, gazing at the twinkling stars dancing on the ceiling and walls of my room.
I felt myself flying to a land where pain and disappointment were never created. The twinkling moon and stars in my room then pulled me back to reality. A land without pain and disappointment, it seemed, never truly existed. I then tried to feel my presence beside the young man who was still sound asleep, his breathing so calm. Slowly, I touched my fingers to his.
Something stirred in my heart, though I didn't know if the feeling was sweet or bitter. The raindrops still rippled. I continued to observe the young man, trying to discern what feeling truly filled the depths of my heart. And it turned out, the longer I felt it, the clearer this stirring feeling became. Pain, agony, and utter worthlessness, that's what I began to feel.
That past stripped me bare. That past slapped me. That past seemed to say, “You are no longer valuable to him.” “It hurts, Sat, it hurts. Stop it, Sat…” Someone was crying out, pleading and enduring pain. That voice came from the past. Those screams and moans broke free from the past dimension and burst into a newer dimension. I knew that voice. I still felt that pain acutely.
I still knew exactly how much my body and heart ached because of that person.
“You bastard! You want to destroy my future, huh?!” Now that person spoke. He berated. He kept berating. He kicked. He kept kicking. Clear and real, those past memories now replayed in my mind.
“Why don't you just leave my life?!?! Don't haunt me anymore!! Haven't our relationship ended?!” The sound of that scream still sharply pierced my heart. It truly felt real, even though the event was long in the past. Apparently, I wasn't clever enough to make those bitter memories vanish with my forgiveness to him.
“Why are you so cruel, Sat? Haven't our relationship been fine all this time? Why did you suddenly choose another woman?” Another voice emerged. It was my voice from the past. I hurled those words as I crawled, trying to reach his feet. My figure was small, tears streaming down my face. I still vividly remember the metallic smell of blood beginning to flow from my knees.
Truly, that immense pain still lingers to this day.
“Get out of here! Get out of my life! My future is ruined because of you!” That person continued to berate me in the past. The me of then and the me of this moment still felt his berating acutely. More than just berating, actually. Worthlessness, that's what I truly received.
“Why, Sat? Why? What did I do wrong?” I kept pleading and begging for answers from that person. My hands still tightly hugged his legs. He towered over me. His breath was ragged. His emotions seemed to have soared to their highest point. I could truly feel his anger. I truly knew how much he wanted to kill me. And slowly, my prediction began to materialize.
That anger became real when his strong leg flung me away.
“Satya…” I screamed in pain.
“Satya…” I screamed again as my elbow hit the floor. He threw me into the bottomless pit of worthlessness. He kicked me once more, right in my chest. Through the impact of his foot on my chest, I felt as if I could hear his heart saying, “Trash! You're just trash that keeps haunting my life!” “Get out now! Don't bother my life anymore!” that person yelled, still in the past dimension.
My body moved with those words. Apparently, he was dragging me. He dragged me mercilessly. Curses and insults still poured harshly from his mouth. He didn't care about the wound on my knee that was profusely gushing blood. He completely ignored the pain in my body, let alone the pain in my heart. He didn't try to see my streaming tears. He kept dragging me.
He was frenzied. All he thought about was getting me out of that place and kicking me far away from his life. He didn't try to hear my screams. He didn't try to hear my cries. He didn't try to hear my moans. He had lost his mind.
“Mercy, Sat. Mercy…” I pleaded, still with pain in my body and heart.
“It hurts, Sat…it hurts…” I said, trying harder.
“Who told you to ask for death, huh?!” I choked. He no longer cared. He dared to destroy my physical self, what more my heart?
“Bastard! My future is ruined!” he screamed very loudly as he pulled my hand and flung my body, which he had been dragging. I was thrown in front of the door. I felt small. I felt that worthlessness was absolutely mine.
“Damn it!” He let out his curses again. They kept hitting me relentlessly, tearing at my self-esteem and defenses even more, the longer I tried to feel every word he uttered. I didn't know what else to say. My eyes were full of tears. My chest ached inside and out. My tongue was tied, even just to say, “Stop this pain.” I sobbed in extreme confusion.
Thunder roared. I was startled, and instantly my soul returned to the present dimension. Without realizing it, my tears were already flowing. I guess the bitter memories of the past between me and the figure sleeping beside me made those clear drops fall. I wiped my tears. I observed the young man's face. Glimpses of the twinkling moon and stars alternately struck his face.
Beautiful, truly a beautiful worldly charm. My fingers were still intertwined with his, but I felt ice crystals like stalactites inhabiting each of my fingertips. Cold and sharp, that's what I felt. There was no longer any warmth I offered to this person.
“What did I do wrong?” I whispered, looking at his sleeping face. My voice was hoarse and echoed what I had once said in the past dimension. And finally, my tears fell again. Thunder struck again. The loud sound of thunder seemed to shake the walls of the room I was in. Along with the flashing lightning, my crying began to break. I sobbed. I felt broken again.
I remembered those difficult times again. I hated the person beside me again. My chest heaved, holding back tears. The ground outside didn't seem as wet as my face. I bit my lower lip hard. With all my might, I suppressed the sound of my crying. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to appear. I didn't want to be small for the umpteenth time in front of him.
I was strong, even though the disappointment and pain of the past strongly assailed my efforts to endure. I returned to the past. I saw myself at that time, cornered in an empty space. Full of disappointment, full of anger, but my tongue was tied. I was powerless, I clearly saw myself at that time. I tried to merge with my past.
“What did I do wrong…” I said in the past. Always and repeatedly, those words never failed to escape my lips. Especially when I saw him holding and hugging another girl instead. Disappointment flowed through my blood when he clearly chose that girl. I felt real anger when the story that had been framed since long ago was being destroyed, being annihilated, and I was even accused of longing for someone who already belonged to another girl.
I was accused. I was accused. I was accused of being a servant hungry for the twists and turns of worldly charm. I was accused of being a romantic poet whose verses longed to become reality. I was considered a liar. In front of another girl, he killed the story we had created. I was nothing more than a liar about his figure, who was savoring sweetness with another girl.
I was thrown aside. I withered and dried up day by day. And I returned to begging for answers, “What did I do wrong?” Still in the past. That person said, “I am with her. Don't bother me if you don't want to die. And why do you claim to have had a romance with me?” Helplessness returned. Disappointment crept over me again. I was again considered a liar.
I didn't want to stay silent, but what could I do?
“I'm your lover, Sat. I'm your lover…” I said weakly.
“What? My lover? Don't dream in broad daylight. If you were ever my lover, tell me the date when we immortalized it!” He denied it. I was cornered. His words seemed true. I began to fade. I never truly had him because we never immortalized our feelings like other couples. I faded further and had no power over any of it. That person was indeed not mine.
I was indeed a liar. But I remembered his words about feelings that didn't need to be bound by dates and places.
“Satya, didn't you say I would always be your lover without needing a place or time?” I said, trying to convince him.
“Huh? When did I say something so stupid?” he still denied it. True. I was indeed worthless. Just look at the girl he had chosen. He treated that girl specially. He praised that girl so much. He showed that girl off to everyone in the world. He firmly asked that girl to be the mother of his children someday. That girl was able to make his life colorful.
That girl didn't have to feel like an unacknowledged lover, unlike me, who had to hide my identity for years. That person never felt proud as he did when he had that girl. That girl never experienced the worthlessness that young man bestowed upon me. As for me? The curtain swayed at the window. Its lace flew in the wind that came with the rain. The curtain parted, revealing the dark and wet scenery outside.
And I… I was pulled back to reality… sitting again beside the young man who was still sound asleep, his breathing so calm. I gazed at the young man's face, still adorned with the twinkling light of the moon and stars created by the lamp on my study desk. My tears were still flowing. With my tear-filled eyes, I tried to grasp the hatred he had shown in the past.
From his thin red lips, I tried to hear the curses and insults once uttered. From his closed eyes, I tried to catch the gaze full of disgust he had once bestowed upon me in the past. But… but… the face of the person I deeply loved was what appeared instead. I sobbed even more. My chest heaved. I choked back tears. From my closed lips, a sliver of sound felt like it wanted to escape and echo in the room.
But with all my might, I held it back. I didn't want him to wake up and hear my crying. I had buried all that pain. I had destroyed it long ago, as I once said. I had erased my disappointment along with the forgiveness I once gave him. My smile had torn apart the pain he once created, along with the forgiveness he asked of me. The pain and disappointment of the past, it seemed, were unable to bring me peace and acceptance of the situation.
Pain and disappointment followed me to this very moment. I couldn't hold it back, after all. I sobbed again. My tears fell as heavily as rainwater. Now I was almost crying loudly. I didn't want to, I didn't want my crying to be heard. Finally, I covered my mouth with my palm. I cried with muffled sobs. And it turned out he heard me… “What's wrong, darling?” he said, his body now level with mine.
He was right in front of me, though his face was hidden behind the darkness. The twinkling moon and stars, it seemed, couldn't illuminate his face. I was still sobbing. My palm was still covering my mouth. I didn't want him to hear my crying. All I could do was shake my head, though I knew it was futile. He couldn't possibly see my head shake.
“What's wrong? Bad dream?” he asked again in a soft voice. His hand began to hold my shoulder.
“You don't have to be afraid. I'm here with you, darling…” Those words were truly soft. Those words were completely out of tune with the curses he had once uttered. That hand gently stroked my hair and was not in line with the blows he had landed on my body.
“No one will ever make you cry or hurt you. I promise you that…” He stroked my hair again as he spoke those words. His hair strokes were smooth and gentle. The embrace around my body grew tighter and tighter. I was still sobbing. A million feelings raged. A million questions churned. I felt as if I couldn't distinguish between hate and love… between who he was then and his demeanor now… I bit my lip hard.
I knew he understood my tears, but at least I was sure he didn't know the reason behind my tears. I would keep my reason hidden. I had forgiven him, even though the pain and disappointment continued to haunt me from the past.
“Darling…” he began to release his embrace.
“You love me, don't you?” he asked so deeply, holding both my shoulders. I was still sobbing. Darkness still enveloped us this evening. My tears were still flowing.
“Darling, you'll stay with me until death do us part, won't you? Don't leave me, darling…” As the question emerged from the young man's thin lips, the lights in the room came on. The twinkling moon and stars were no longer visible, overshadowed by the bright light of the room lamp. The rain outside only left drops. And instantly, I rushed into his embrace.
I cried. I let out my tears. I cried. I no longer held back my tears and my voice. I let my voice be heard throughout all corners of the world. I was no longer afraid of the past. I was no longer afraid of the resentment that continued to grow. I was no longer afraid of the worthlessness that once clung to me. I knew worthlessness existed because I immersed myself in that worthlessness.
I didn't care about my arrogance that began to transform into a queen within me. I am me. I am the one who chose him. I am the one who once loved him, once pleaded even as kicks and pain accompanied it, and once became small due to the worthlessness constantly echoed. And now, in this newer dimension, I still love him, still stand by him, still accept him even though he once told me to vanish, and I will continue to guide him wherever he wants to go.
“Are your tears because of a bad dream, darling?” he asked again, and I answered with a nod. Slowly, I released my embrace. Slowly, I got up and walked out of the room. A moment later, I re-entered the room carrying something with me. I walked closer to him. He was still sitting on the bed. Slowly, I stroked his hair and touched his long neck with my right hand.
And in another corner, I slipped my left hand under his long legs. Memories of the past flashed through my mind. A fleeting memory crossed my mind when this very leg I was holding had once kicked me strongly and mercilessly in the past. I had felt the pain created by this leg. But never mind, never mind. I had chosen. Then, on the count of three, I lifted his tall body with all my strength.
He remained silent, as if silently praying for my strength. His arms wrapped around my neck. And now, he occupied a wheelchair that had long been his means of navigating day by day.
“Where are you taking me, darling?” he asked me, but I just remained silent. I pushed the wheelchair towards the garden behind the house. I let him feel the cold air left by the rain. I let his ears catch the rhythmic clinking on the roof tiles. I let him feel what I was trying to convey.
“Try to tell me about your bad dream…” he said, turning towards me.
“No bad dream…” I said with a hoarse voice.
“Then why are you crying? Did I hurt you in your dream?” he asked again.
“No, Satya…” I answered briefly.
“Then?” he still insisted. I remained silent. I tried to make peace with my past pain. I tried to convince my heart once again that I no longer remembered the pain he had instilled. Once again, I wanted to convince the universe that I chose him. Once again, I told myself that he had changed, that he had regretted everything, that he had returned to me.
He chose me and I chose him, but choosing him not because he could no longer walk, that he could no longer see, but more than that, more than just his physical state and past memories. I love him and I choose him….
“What made me cry is…” I began to speak.
“I'm afraid of losing you…” I said, hugging him. He did the same to me. And I saw tears flowing down his cheeks. I don't regret loving someone who hurt me so deeply. I don't care if others call me foolish. I don't bother with other figures more beautiful than him. I am me. I am the one who never let my affection for him fade. When love chooses, that's where I will feel happiness and sincerity.
When I choose to make peace with pain and disappointment, then that's where I find happiness.