Worthless Love

Difa woke up from her sleep. Blinking for a moment, she then glanced at the star-shaped digital wall clock in her room. 02:00 AM. She sighed softly. Lately, she had often woken up in the middle of the night, she didn't know why. Lately, too, an uneasy feeling had been lingering in her heart without reason. Her mind often couldn't focus on her activities. In short, she felt something was wrong with herself, the cause of which she didn't even know. Difa sighed again. She wanted to return to the realm of dreams, or at least she wanted to try to fall back asleep. Clasping her hands together, praying, closing her eyes, she then turned her body to the left. Usually, this method succeeded in returning her to her subconscious. Several minutes passed. Yes, she gave up. The girl opened her eyes again. She couldn't fall back asleep. She failed; the method she tried didn't work. Difa glanced at the wall clock again from the corner of her eye. 02:25 AM. Still early morning. The girl sighed in despair for the umpteenth time. It seemed she had truly given up, so she threw off the blanket covering her body, got up from her sleeping position, and then one hand reached for the pink water bottle on the small table beside her bed. She drank it all, then Difa got out of bed and went to the bathroom in her room. Taking ablution water for a moment, she then performed her night prayers. Yes, if she truly couldn't sleep, she usually performed the Tahajud prayer, prayed to the Creator, told Him everything she felt, spoke from her heart about what troubled her, and offered beautiful praises to the Most Merciful, of course. 10 minutes passed. She seemed to be engrossed in her prayers, kneeling on a pastel-colored prayer mat, her hands clasped inside her floral-patterned prayer veil. Soon after, her hands moved to wipe her face. She rose, tidying her prayer items. Then she curled back up on the bed, wrapping her body in the blanket. Yes, at least she could wait until Fajr in that position.   Drrrtt…drrrtt….. ‘My mama don't like you and she like's everyone ….. And I never like to admit that I was wrong’ Her smartphone rang, playing her favorite song which she used as her ringback tone. Immediately, one hand picked up the rectangular object she had placed on the small table beside her bed, and she looked at her smartphone screen to see who was calling her in the almost-morning hours. ‘Dega Fernando’ Suddenly her heart pounded. Her breath hitched. Her face tensed. Her entire body was paralyzed. The girl was shocked, no, extremely shocked. Why? Why was he calling her again? What did that man want after everything he had done? God, was this the reason for the uneasy feeling she had been experiencing lately? ‘And I've been so caught up in my job ….. Didn't see what's going on’ The device was still ringing. It seemed someone on the other end was still waiting for their call to be answered by the girl whose face was now pale. What should she do? Ignore it, or press the answer button, or reject the call? Her hands trembled. It seemed she was overwhelmed by emotions that only she understood. ‘But now I know ….. I'm better sleeping on my own’ “H-hello?” Difa finally decided to answer the call, stammering. Her body broke out in a cold sweat. If one looked closely, there were tears in the corners of her eyes. “Hello?” Yes, that voice. The voice she knew so well. The voice she missed so much. The voice that filled the depths of her heart. The voice that could enchant her heart and mind. The voice that could turn her life upside down. The voice that ‘used to’ lull her to sleep. The voice that ‘used to’ fill her nights. The voice that ‘used to’ strengthen her days. The voice that ‘used to’ calm her. The voice that ‘used to’ sing words full of love. The voice that ‘used to’ make her cry and laugh. That voice, which ‘used to’ indulge her spoiled whines. That voice, yes, the voice she loved so much. “Mas Dega?” Yes, the girl's tears finally spilled, wetting her eyelids, streaming down her cheeks, and soaking the pillow beneath her face. She cried, she didn't know why. It seemed only she and the Creator understood. “How are you? Why aren't you asleep yet?” The girl fell silent, not responding. It seemed she was lost in her thoughts. “H-hello?” “Y-yes?” Difa responded, stammering. She tried her best to suppress her sobs. She didn't want the person she called ‘Mas Dega’ to hear her crying, which would surely lead to questions she might not be able to answer. “I'm fine, yes, I just woke up, hehe,” she forced a smile, “How are you, Mas Dega? It's unusual for you to call so early in the morning.” “Alhamdulillah, I'm fine too. Yeah, Mas Dega misses Difa.” “M-miss?” Her eyes widened. A strange feeling pierced her heart. This man, missed her? How could that be? After he had done something that brought her to her lowest point? “How is that possible?” A soft laugh was heard from the other end. “Well, it is possible, doesn't Difa miss Mas Dega?” A lie. It would be a lie if she didn't miss the man. Because even to this moment, she still mentioned his name in her prostrations, in the prayers she uttered to her God. Even secretly, she could still cry whenever she remembered the memories they had created together. “Hahaha…” and in the end, only a forced laugh was all she could offer as a response. “Geez, you're just laughing.” “What are you busy with now, Mas?” changing the subject, Difa then threw out a typical question she used when making small talk with someone. “Well, still the usual. College, teaching, and earning some side money for food. You?” “Same here, still like before. College, and now trying to teach.” “Oh, teaching what?” “Still in the world of singing, Mas, teaching vocals.” “Wow, in that case, Mas Dega wants to be taught too?” The girl smiled faintly. It seemed she was starting to regain control of herself. “How much are you willing to pay?” And finally, they laughed lightly, both trying to control their overflowing emotions.   A silence of a few minutes ensued. It seemed each of them was trying to understand the other, or they were formulating sentences to address their interlocutor. Seconds ticked by. Neither of them had yet spoken. Difa just stared at the small lantern on the table beside her bed, while one hand held her mobile phone close to her ear. She didn't initiate conversation either. She just enjoyed the talk, even though every word from Dega could reopen the wounds in her heart that hadn't healed. All she had in mind right now was to try to build a good relationship with the man, without forgetting the past that had been etched, both the beautiful and the painful. “Difa?” Dega called. “Yes, Mas?” “How far have things gone with Kak James?” James. Yes, the man who had recently been close to her, without any official status or special relationship. Indeed, Difa harbored a glimmer of feeling for the man who was 5 years older than her, but she didn't want to hope too much. Besides their very contrasting personalities, for some reason, being with him felt impossible for Difa. How could it not be? With the charisma the man possessed and his skill in self-control, he could ensnare women from any background. Moreover, she still felt traumatized by Dega. Yes, Dega was her past, who ended their love story with pain and tears. “Difa never went anywhere with Kak James, never even went out. Mostly just chatting and calling.” Difa replied playfully. She smiled, laughing at her own answer. “Alright then, it's up to you.” Dega sighed, teasing the girl who was talking to him on the other end. Yes, having been in a relationship for almost 2 months was enough to get to know this girl. Her silliness, her pampered nature, he even knew when to speak firmly to her and when to indulge the girl who was 3 years younger than him. “Well, so far Difa is just going with the flow. If it's meant to be, it'll end in marriage, so I never want to bother with things like that.” She explained. “What about you, Mas Dega? How are things with Kak Febby?” Febby. Yes, a name that had a significant impact on their relationship a year ago. Indeed, Difa knew that Dega had a friend who had feelings for him, and she didn't bother herself with that. For her, loving and being loved by anyone and for anyone was a human right, the right of every human being on this earth. She had no right to forbid other women from having feelings for her ex-boyfriend. Difa admitted. Dega had a handsome physique and a proportional body. So it was no wonder that women idolized the man. Not even one or two girls tried to win the heart of the man who was currently her interlocutor, expressively. For Difa, if Dega's heart remained hers, everything would be fine. Dega and Difa. Many people said they were a compatible couple. They had been in a relationship for almost two months. Until Febby came in and destroyed everything. Suddenly, Dega sent a text message unilaterally ending their relationship. That made Difa collapse. Afterward, she tried to contact the man and heard a woman's voice stating she was with Dega. Yes, the girl knew exactly that woman was Febby. She had met that woman once, the day before her anniversary with Dega. Then, a few days later, rumors emerged that Dega was in a relationship with Febby, reinforced by photos on both their social media accounts, often posing intimately. That was enough to make Difa feel as if her world had ended. Drastic weight loss, pale skin, red and swollen eyes, and thickened eye bags proved how depressed Difa was about it. Indeed, she continued her activities as usual. College, part-time work, spending time with family, but often the girl appeared unfocused with a vacant stare and a flat expression. And because of that, she was forced to be fired from the company where she earned her side income. “We broke up.” “Broke up?” Difa raised her voice, “How could that be?” She was surprised. Because with their closeness, the word ‘break up’ was far from what the girl expected. How could it not be? She knew very well Febby's struggle to win Dega's heart. According to Difa, a woman would not humble herself if she didn't deeply love the man. And for her, stealing someone else's partner was a low act that a human could do. “You've known all along, right? I only considered Febby a friend, nothing more. But she couldn't accept that. Febby wanted more than just a friend, and I tried to go along with it. Yes, just went along with it, without any special feelings. I still cared for Febby as a friend. Until finally Febby made a mistake that she herself admitted, and from there I ended everything.” Dega explained in a low tone, but not intimidating. It seemed the man was trying to control himself. “For me, Febby is a close friend and can never be more.” “If I may ask, what did Kak Febby do that Mas Dega couldn't forgive her?” Dega paused for a moment, choosing his words to explain. “Well, all you need to know is, Febby did something fatal that really necessitated a breakup. Moreover, it was already time to break up anyway.” Dega explained. Difa seemed unsatisfied with Dega's answer. Trying to accept it, she then asked, “But your parents agreed, right?” “Ehm, if I'm not mistaken, I told you at the very beginning of our relationship,” Dega paused for a moment, giving Difa time to remember, “My parents only wanted Febby to be a friend, nothing more.” Difa nodded, which Dega wouldn't see. Yes, now she remembered. Dega had told her about that. The man said that his parents only wanted Febby to be a friend to their son. As for Febby's side? The man didn't say much about that. He only said that Febby introduced Dega as a close friend.   Again, a silence hung between them. Only the sound of their breaths could be heard through their respective phones. They took a moment to calm themselves, to control their emotions that were almost overflowing. They tried to use that split second to understand each other, to try to comprehend one another. “Difa?”: until finally Dega broke the silence. “Yes, Mas?” Difa replied with her soft voice. “Ehm, Mas Dega apologizes, p-please forgive Mas Dega.” Difa cried instantly. Yes, more profusely than before. Her heart ached, as if sliced by a razor. Was it that easy? Was it that simple for him to ask for her forgiveness after he had hurt her heart so deeply? Indeed, he had given an explanation that the girl could understand, but should she believe it that easily? She sobbed, unable to hold back the feeling that seemed to cut her heart into several pieces. “Difa?” Yes, Dega heard the sobs. The man knew exactly, it was all his doing, all his fault. It was all because of him. If Difa were by his side right now, he would embrace her, and comfort her as he used to do to calm her. But, was he still worthy after all he had done? Truly, Dega didn't expect anything more. Even getting Difa's forgiveness was enough for him. If only, if only he had been firmer with Febby and himself, if only he could have kept Difa, if only he hadn't had to hurt Difa, if only, if only, and if only. “I don't know, Mas, Difa just wants the best. Difa doesn't know if she can give that forgiveness to Mas Dega or not, even though Difa could easily give it.” She replied with suppressed tears. Her cruel side emerged. For her, there was no need to guard the words that came out to express her feelings. If Dega could easily hurt her, why should she think about hurting him? Even if the pain she felt was not comparable to what the man had done to her. “Yes, Mas Dega understands.” That was the only sentence Dega could utter. Every sob from Difa could wound his heart. How could it not? Regardless, that feeling remained the same as a year ago. His heart still longed for the girl's presence. Yes, it was indeed foolish, considering he was the one who hurt her, yet he was also the one who felt pain. Yes, Dega still loved Difa, he still cared for the girl. Regretful, yes, he was very, very regretful. If only he could turn back time, he wouldn't have done such a foolish thing if it only meant hurting his girl. “Mas Dega, do you know? After everything Mas Dega gave to Difa? Difa can't stop caring for Mas Dega. Even to this moment, Difa still loves Mas Dega. Difa can never not feel that way. When did Difa ever not care for you, Mas?” A soothing feeling crept into Dega's heart. Like water in a desert, the girl's honest words made him feel something he couldn't express with words. He was touched, yes, he was very, very touched. “But for Difa, caring for and loving you, Mas, is like time passing. Slowly and gradually, turning with a predetermined rhythm, until it finally disappears due to that time. Yes, everything has its season. Someday, who knows when, there will be a time when this affection and love will end on its own, without anyone being forced or forcing it.”         -_-_- Do you still have a heart, To feel this, The pain I endure, The agony I go through? I stand here, To wait and anticipate, You feeling pain, More than this, Someday.   Song title: My Love For You Song writer: Carinna Amagia -_-_-