Witness to Twilight

I walked among the crowd, stepping slowly amidst the hustle and bustle of people entering the building where the first orientation was held, wearing a white shirt, long black trousers, and a university jacket—things I had never imagined before but were now real. I hurried to find my friend, the only person I knew among the thousands gathered, as we were from the same school. After almost circling the entire building, I still couldn't find him. At the peak of my confusion, a woman suddenly tapped my shoulder. “Excuse me, sir, can I help you?” she asked. “Oh yes, ma'am, I'm looking for a friend of mine,” I replied. “If I may ask, what's his major?” “My friend is an economics major, do you know where the economics students are?” “Oh, coincidentally, I'm also an economics student. You can follow me; the economics students are in the upper left stands.” Without a second thought, I immediately followed the steps of a woman I didn't even know. Soon enough, I found my friend who was already there. We quickly got into a conversation and introduced ourselves to all our classmates, including the woman who had helped me; her name was Fita. The days of campus orientation passed, filled with various dialogues, jokes, laughter, and stories that couldn't be expressed in mere words. These were truly memorable days during my first journey in a new city as a university student. I had already made several close friends, even though we had never met before. Yet, for some reason, we clicked so easily despite only knowing each other for a few days. When I first entered the classroom, I realized that almost 80% of my classmates were female, with only a few males. The lecturer hadn't arrived yet, so we all agreed to elect a class president. Since there were only a few boys, everyone agreed that all the boys present should be ready if chosen as class president. Eventually, my friend Samsudin was elected. Unbeknownst to me, for some time, a pair of eyes had been fixed on me. For a moment, I felt nervous because I wasn't used to being stared at continuously. I quickly averted my gaze towards my friends who were busy organizing the class committee. After everything was settled and classes were over, I went to the cafeteria with my close friends, including Mirna, Rika, Selfy, Ando, and Fita, the first person I met during orientation. We became close because we were in the same group during orientation. Although I was a boy, the majority of my friends were girls. For many, this might seem strange, but for me, friendship cannot be measured by whether they are male or female; for me, a friend or best friend is someone with whom you feel comfortable. As a university student on a tight budget, I bought a packet of rice with some simple side dishes for RP300 and palm sugar ice as a dessert. In the middle of my conversation with my friends, I again saw the girl who had been staring at me in class, but I still didn't know her name. I immediately asked Fita about her, and it turned out her name was Anita. In a fleeting glance, I caught a signal emanating from her eyes. Whether driven by curiosity or something else, in the following days, I also started paying attention to Anita, and that nervous feeling always appeared when Anita greeted me. Since then, I tried to pluck up the courage to get to know Anita better by sending letters that I entrusted through Rika, as I was still too shy to send them directly to Anita. Coincidentally, Rika was her dormmate. From then on, I frequently exchanged letters with Anita after my first letter received a warm response, and from that point, I no longer used an intermediary in delivering my written messages to Anita. A feeling I had never experienced before began to surface in my heart. “Could this be love? Or just a fleeting sparkle, because I truly have no experience in this matter,” I murmured to myself. Amidst my wandering thoughts, I suddenly wanted to take a walk to simply see the city's atmosphere, as I had always lived in a small village, spending most of my time with livestock to help my parents meet daily needs. After cleaning myself, I hurried to walk to the City Park, often called Alun-Alun, which was not far from my boarding house. The streets seemed quite empty, with only pedicabs and bemo (public transport) passing by, carrying passengers, and a few private vehicles. Accidentally, I met Fita, who was also at Alun-Alun with Selfy. “Hi, Fit!” I greeted with a smile. “Oh, Aldi, what a coincidence we met! There's something I want to tell you,” Fita replied. “What is it, Fit?” “Our department has a nature training next week, and we're asked to survey a location,” Fita said, walking closer to me with Selfy. “Oh, when can we survey?” “Tomorrow, after class,” Fita said again. After that, we went to the center of Alun-Alun, chatting about many things while enjoying the twilight as the sun disappeared. Among all my friends and companions, Fita was the one I talked to most often because she always managed to liven up the atmosphere and was honest, saying things as they were without wearing a mask of pretense. Time passed quickly, bringing me to my third year in the new city. Occasionally, I could only send letters home to update my parents about my condition. Sometimes, the longing surged, but I could only send that longing through a letter I often wrote before bed. I often remembered my promise that I wouldn't return home until I succeeded, unless something truly necessitated my return. One day, a desire arose within me to express the feelings that had been stirring in my heart recently, but a doubt enveloped me—a feeling I had never had before was now present and calling. Again, I was able to confide in Fita. “Do it if you feel ready to express it. I fully support you; it seems she also harbors the same feelings,” Fita said with her usual cheerful demeanor. Slowly but surely, courage ignited in my heart. “You truly are my best friend, Fit,” I said. After my conversation with Fita, it took several days for me to truly steel my resolve to express my feelings to Anita. That day, amidst the orange glow of twilight, I sat waiting in the campus park, but after some time passed, there were no signs of her arrival. “She's not usually like this. If she couldn't come, why didn't she inform me beforehand?” I wondered to myself. Just as I was about to get up from my seat, feeling there was no point in waiting anymore, a woman walked closer. For a moment, I thought it was Anita, but it turned out to be Rika, who seemed to be carrying something. “Sorry, Aldi, if you've been waiting too long here. I'm actually just here to deliver Anita's message, which she wrote in this letter. I don't know why she didn't deliver it herself,” “Didn't Anita tell you anything?” I asked curiously. “No, it's just that she's seemed gloomy lately.” “Alright then, I'll take this letter home. Thank you for delivering it,” I replied, still holding onto my curiosity. I walked listlessly, leaving the campus park with Rika, who had already walked ahead. When we reached a bend, we took different directions. Under the dim moonlight, I slowly walked out through the side gate, which was still open. With intense curiosity, I stopped at a small roadside to open the letter Anita had entrusted to Rika. *** Al, first, I apologize for not being able to meet you because I couldn't bear to see you sad after I told you what truly happened. Tonight, I have to return to my hometown because I just received news that my mother passed away due to illness and had been in a coma for several days. Besides that, I want to convey something else. Actually, from the first time I saw and met you, I was attracted to you, but I always remembered my mother, who, when she was sick, had arranged for me to marry a man. My mother had entrusted me to him in case she had to leave, as my father had also passed away when I was little. We were actually already engaged, even though that man wasn't my choice, but because I wanted to continue my education, I asked not to get married yet. But now my mother is truly gone, and some time ago, before I left for college, my mother had said that she actually wanted to see me married before she passed away. However, at that time, I felt I wasn't ready, and truthfully, I didn't love the man my mother chose, so I couldn't grant her wish. Until finally, I met you, and that feeling just came naturally. But now everything has changed so quickly; my mother is gone, and my wedding will soon be held with the man she chose, based on the will my mother wrote. I truly apologize if I have greatly disappointed you. It seems this feeling of mine is just a fleeting journey that I must bury deep down. I am very ashamed to express this, but I just don't want to hurt you further later. *** A suffocating feeling surged in my chest after reading the letter. For some reason, my feet felt rooted, unable to move. The news was like a lightning bolt striking my head. I felt something wet in both my eyes. “What is this feeling I'm experiencing? Why are these tears flowing?” my heart asked. For a moment, I was carried away by the strong current of uncertain emotions. Suddenly, I was running towards my boarding house and lay weakly on the bed. The dim moonlight and starlight that night seemed to witness what I felt; the song was no longer melodious; everything felt discordant and painful. When I opened my eyes, morning had arrived; I had fallen asleep. Slowly, I remembered what I had experienced last night; it all felt like a dream, and I still held onto the hope that what I had experienced was just a dream. I quickly cleaned myself before finally heading to campus. Upon arriving in class, I tried to find Anita, but among all those present, I didn't see her. I tried asking Rika, and Rika only said that Anita had gone home last night because her mother passed away. Rika, in turn, asked about the content of the letter she had given me yesterday afternoon, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her what was in it. The surge of turmoil flowed through my mind again. “So what I experienced wasn't a dream after all. Is all this real?” I asked myself again. During class that day, I couldn't focus; in fact, I often daydreamed so much that I didn't realize when class was over. My daydream was broken when Fita suddenly stood in front of me. “Are you sick? You've looked very gloomy all day,” Fita asked. “There's something I want to tell you, Fit, but I'm too embarrassed to talk about it here. If you're not busy this afternoon, I'll wait for you at the City Park,” I replied to Fita. “Alright then, coincidentally, I don't have any plans this afternoon, so I'll just meet you at the Alun-Alun,” “Thank you, Fit.” That afternoon, I sat waiting for Fita at the City Park, and soon after, Fita arrived, following with her very distinctive style. In my eyes, Fita always made anyone who looked at her smile. Not long after, she and I were engaged in a long conversation, where I told her everything that had truly happened. For a moment, we were silent. “I can understand what you're feeling right now,” Fita's voice broke the silence, “but don't let all of this make you fall and unable to rise again. Everything that happens surely carries a lesson,” Fita continued. Fita's words seemed to awaken me from a long reverie. I remembered my promise that I had carried since before leaving my hometown to seek knowledge in college. “Thank you, Fit, for all your time and words that helped me find the hope I had lost. I am still very inexperienced in dealing with something like this because I have never been in a special relationship with a woman. I am just a village youth who spent most of my time helping my parents in the fields or raising livestock after school to meet living needs. I could even get to this place because of scholarship assistance,” I said to Fita, who was very loyal in listening to every one of my stories. Days continued to pass, crushing every event. This wound no longer gripped my heart. The smile that had been lost was now back, accompanied by the twilight dialogue that, with its orange glow, always comforted me in a corner of the City Park, accompanied by the strings of a guitar I played along with songs and poems. Unbeknownst to me, the end of the semester was approaching. That morning, I suddenly found a letter slipped into the mailbox in front of my boarding house, addressed to me, but with no sender's name. “It's unusual for me to receive a letter without a name like this,” I murmured softly. Without thinking twice, I immediately opened the letter. After opening it, I found it contained a poem whose essence I understood to be about her feelings for me. “Could this be from Anita?” I wondered to myself. “But what's the point of all this? Isn't she happy with her husband?” I muttered, trying to dismiss the current of feelings that once existed. Without further delay, I immediately walked to campus. My memories of Anita sometimes still surfaced, especially when I was in the campus park where I often spent time with her in the past. Although I had tried to forget Anita, her figure sometimes still flickered in my mind. After class was over, I, as usual, went to the cafeteria with friends. A packet of pecel rice for RP250 and a glass of coconut water was enough to ward off hunger. As I walked out of the cafeteria to go home, at a corner of one of the campus buildings, I met Fita talking to a man. She introduced him as her high school friend named Edo. Strangely, an unfamiliar feeling arose in my mind when I saw Fita with Edo, but I kept that turmoil to myself and excused myself to continue my walk home, leaving Fita. Back in my room, I still couldn't understand why I felt uncomfortable seeing Fita with Edo. “Am I jealous?” I asked myself in solitude. “Isn't Fita just my best friend and nothing more!” I asked myself again. Since then, I tried to ignore all the turmoil I felt, but the more I tried, for some reason, that feeling grew uncontrollably until finally, I tried to pluck up the courage to express what I was feeling to Fita, even though there was fear and shame that Fita might not accept what I expressed. Finally, through my friend Mirna, who lived in the same place as Fita, I entrusted a message in a letter asking Fita to come to the City Park. That afternoon, as the sun slowly began to return to its resting place, I sat playing my guitar, as I usually did, while waiting for Fita. Faintly, I could recognize the figure of a woman walking closer from a distance; indeed, it was Fita. A strange flutter arose in my chest as her figure drew nearer. “I'm sorry if you've been waiting long, Al,” “It's okay, Fit,” “Why did you invite me here, Al? It's not like you to ask me indirectly like this?” Fita asked, taking a seat directly in front of me. “I'm sorry, Fit, I just want to tell you something that you might not like,” I said, slowly looking into Fita's eyes. “What is it, Al?” Fita asked again, curiously. “All this time, I've actually been harboring a turmoil of feelings that I myself don't know why they came to be. I apologize if this might ruin the friendship we've built since we first met, but I also can't keep these feelings to myself continuously, even though I'm very ashamed to say it, but I have to say this.” For a moment, Fita could only remain silent, listening to the words I had just spoken. “After all this time we've spent together, I've only just realized that you are the woman I've been looking for all along. Will you accompany me through life until my last breath? I apologize if my words might ruin the bond of friendship we've built since our first meeting,” “I never expected you to express this today. If only you knew, I've actually harbored feelings for you for a long time, Al, but I kept them to myself because I knew you loved Anita very much, even though in the end, you weren't together. I even poured all those feelings into a poem,” Fita replied, small tears welling up in her eyes and then wetting her cheeks. “Is that true? I apologize, Fita, if all this time I was too carried away by my feelings for Anita, to the point that I didn't realize I had actually made the wrong choice. With this orange twilight, allow me to propose to you to be my life partner, and after the thesis defense, I will come to your parents. Will you agree?” No words came out of Fita's mouth, only a nod, but that was enough to represent and convince me that the woman now sitting right in front of me was my true soulmate.