Mother's House

The house looked gloomy and neglected. Several parts of its walls were covered in moss and mold. The dense growth of old trees around it limited the sunlight reaching the area. Grass and piles of scattered leaves covered almost the entire ground and yard. I climbed the steps, one by one, leading to the house's veranda. From my observation, it seemed almost the entire house was built from planks and wood. Nevertheless, the building still looked sturdy. Slowly, I turned the doorknob in front of me. It was stiff. With a loud creak from its rusty hinges, the door slowly gave way. A musty, damp odor immediately assailed my nostrils. Thick layers of dust and cobwebs covered the entire floor and ceiling. The walls, originally brown, now appeared blackened by dust. Without hesitation, I stepped inside the house. In a corner of the house, I found a woman in a black dress sitting with her head bowed. I was startled, realizing who that figure was. "Mother?" I cried out. "Why are you here?" I rushed towards the woman, who turned out to be my mother. "This is Mother's house," my mother replied. Her voice sounded mournful. "Mother's house?" I said in disbelief. "This house is so dirty. How can you live in a place like this?" I asked, surprised. Mother didn't respond to my surprise. She just sat silently, head bowed. Then, I saw my mother's tears fall, one by one. I felt increasingly confused. Her shoulders shook violently, and then Mother began to sob most piteously. Unconsciously, my own tears started to flow. I dropped to my knees before my mother. "Oh Mother... What's wrong? Why are you crying? And why are you here? Tell me, Mother." I tightly held both her hands. "This is all because of you, my child," Mother uttered between her sobs. I choked up. "You never visit Mother here. You've forgotten Mother." "No! I could never forget you, Mother!" I cried out mournfully. "But you never visit Mother. You never come to Mother's house. You've forgotten Mother," she repeated, her words making my chest ache with guilt and regret. "Mother... Oh Mother... I never forget you... I always remember... It's just that I... I find it difficult... Mother, forgive me... forgive me..." At that moment, my chest felt so tight with guilt and regret. My tears flowed incessantly. I felt so guilty towards Mother. I cried and cried until I was breathless. Finally, night brought me back to consciousness. I woke up from my dream. My tears soaked the pillow. My heart ached so much remembering the dream I had just experienced. Mother... forgive me, Mother... Forgive me... How long it has been since I last visited your grave. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just that I'm not like I used to be. I find it difficult to find your grave among thousands of others in my current condition without the help of others. Oh Mother... How I wish I could visit your grave, clean and tend to it so that you no longer live in a dirty and gloomy house. *** I had that dream when I was still in school, about 5 years ago. At that time, I was still living in a dormitory. A few days after the dream, I bravely went alone to visit my mother's grave at Cilincing Public Cemetery (TPU) in North Jakarta. In my heart, I prayed that a cemetery official would be willing to help me find my mother's grave. My inability to see, of course, made it difficult for me to find my mother's grave without assistance. At that time, I was living alone in Jakarta. All my relatives had moved back to my hometown in Lampung. That's why I hadn't visited my mother's grave for so long. I was worried that without someone accompanying me, I wouldn't be able to find her grave. But it turned out that my worries were just worries, because when I visited the cemetery where my late mother was buried, quite a few cemetery officials were willing to help. I felt so grateful at that moment. We shouldn't give up before even trying. Because it turned out that my worries all this time were only in my mind. Honestly, all this time I always thought that dreams were just a figment of imagination, especially since at that time I really wanted to visit my mother's grave. In my heart, I felt guilty for not having visited for quite a long time. I was afraid Mother would be angry with me and that I had sinned against her. That's why perhaps the dream formed in my sleep. Maybe that's what is meant by a message from the subconscious. Whatever the meaning of that dream, I am still very grateful, because it made me brave enough to try and strive. When it comes to dreams about Mother, there are so many. I want this, I want that, to make Mother happy. But since my mother is no longer here, it feels sad to talk about her. I didn't get to give anything to Mother during her life because she left me too soon. Yet, how many things Mother had given to me. If I could dream about her, I would want her back. It feels so unpleasant to live without a mother, especially when we lose her while we are still children. Life feels aimless. There's no one to confide in or lean on. The proverb 'like a chick losing its mother hen' feels so apt. Be grateful for those who still have a mother. Don't wait until we experience loss before realizing how precious something is. I Love You, My Mother. Sincerely, Tuty Syahrani 07/04/2017