In the depths of my heart, a heart covered in snow, there is an empty space, waiting for something uncertain. Something I seek moves further away, something I don't seek draws closer. I can only enjoy it from the realm of my dreams, something close to me but far from her. *** I put down my pen. When I looked at the clock in the corner of my room, the hands pointed to 12 midnight. I was still sitting in my chair, staring at my first poem for something new yet old to me. Yes, something new yet old. I had known her since junior high. At that time, I felt nothing for her. She was indeed beautiful and captivating to the boys at my school, but no matter what she was like, I remained uninterested. Perhaps because I was too focused on my studies or maybe it just wasn't the right time. Whenever I gathered with my friends, they always slipped in conversations about her. They talked about her beauty, or about the fact that she still didn't have a boyfriend. Every time my friends talked about her, I always tried to steer the conversation away from her. I don't know why I always disliked it when people talked about her good qualities, perhaps because she was one of my rivals in academic achievement in class. Fira, that was the girl's name. A sweet enough name for her beautiful self. The girl was indeed beautiful, attractive, graceful, and smart. She wasn't much of a talker, but she wasn't arrogant and was very pleasant to chat with. Her knowledge was vast, so you could talk to her about politics, economics, current issues, even the latest celebrity gossip. She was truly the type of woman I had always dreamed of, but for some reason, I really disliked her. Once, at the peak of my annoyance with her, after we had taken the national exam and received the results, I got the second-highest score in my school, right behind her. At that moment, I was very upset, and Fira approached me to say goodbye, as we might be going to different high schools, and asked where I would be attending. Because I was in a very bad mood, I answered Fira's question rudely and indifferently. It's one of the things I regret to this day. *** Those crystals began to crack, the covering snow began to melt, the sun began to shine on my heart in the boundless emptiness. That pearl suddenly came, filling the empty space in my heart, coloring my days with hope as beautiful as a rainbow. Spring bloomed, I hope it won't wither again, but what can I do, time keeps rolling on. *** After that incident, I felt deeply regretful. During the long school holiday, I chose to stay home, reflecting on my mistake, rather than going out and having fun with my friends. I kept thinking, “Why did I waste and treat a woman as beautiful and attractive as Fira so improperly?” “I'm only realizing it now, that she is beautiful, attractive, and has been my dream woman all along. Is this what they call love? Love that begins with hate?” People say that hate can truly mean love, or it can truly mean hate. But it seems I have now fallen in love with her and want to apologize. But how can I apologize to her? What if we go to different schools? And if I have to find her house by asking her friends for her address, new gossip will surely arise. Ah, let me just keep this feeling to myself in my heart. It turns out what Mr. Ismail Marjuki recited was true, essentially that men are destined to be more powerful than women. But there are times when men kneel before women. Perhaps that's how I am now. The time I had been waiting for finally arrived, slowly. I waited for this school holiday to end quickly and for me to quickly enter my new school. I was accepted into one of Jakarta's favorite high schools, even though the school was a bit far for me. But that wasn't a problem; in fact, I could gain more experience by often traveling far from my home. As usual, new students had to undergo three days of school orientation (MOS), which involved obeying strange commands from senior students and still being told to wear junior high uniforms, which I was already tired of wearing. On the first day of MOS, I was assigned to a class located quite far from the stairs, so I was a bit annoyed by that. In class, I sat in one of the back corners, looking around, observing the faces of my new friends. In that class, there were a few faces I already knew because they were from the same junior high as me. But when I looked at the desk to my left, I was startled because I caught sight of the woman I had been waiting for and admiring all this time. Fira was still wearing her junior high uniform, and not seeing her for a month felt like three years. During that time, Fira seemed to have become even more beautiful and attractive. As I observed her beautiful face, Fira also saw me and smiled at me. Fira was indeed not arrogant; even after I had treated her somewhat impolitely at the end of junior high, she still looked at me kindly. A little shyly, I returned Fira's smile, who chuckled slightly, perhaps seeing the expression on my face. Break time arrived, the moment I had been waiting for. I followed Fira, who hurried out towards the canteen. I approached Fira and asked if I could sit at the same table with her. Without even waiting for her answer, I already knew she would definitely invite me to sit with her. We started chatting casually, making small talk, asking about our holidays. I said: “How was your holiday, Fira?” Fira: “Oh, it was really fun, my family and I spent the holiday in Cipanas. How about you?” I said: “Well, not so great.” Fira: “Why?” I said: “Because I kept thinking about my somewhat rude behavior the other day when we received our exam results. That's why I want to apologize to you. I really regret it.” Fira: “Oh, about that, just forget it, I already forgave you right then and there.” I said: “Thank you, you really are a very kind girl.” “And beautiful too,” I added in my heart. After that, our friendship grew closer. Now there was no longer any animosity between us. There was only mutual affection and respect. As I got to know her better, I discovered another admirable quality about her: she was very wise. She could offer solutions to various problems and always viewed issues from multiple perspectives. Because of this, I came to understand that when looking at someone, we should first view them from their positive side. If we view someone from their negative side, then everything about them appears bad in our eyes. *** My academic performance in class improved, which was due to us often studying together and solving problems together. We always shared knowledge if one of us didn't understand a particular subject. During my frequent time with her, I could only admire Fira's beauty and imagine her becoming mine. In class, during study breaks, I observed Fira's grace from one corner of my classroom. I noticed that Fira became more and more beautiful and graceful over time. But alas, I didn't have the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend. I just assumed that fate would bring us together and perhaps it wasn't the right time yet. But I wondered, why hadn't a girl as beautiful and smart as Fira had a boyfriend yet? But that was only as far as I knew. Perhaps behind my back, she already had a boyfriend. Ah, but that couldn't be. Because at school or at home, I never saw any boy who was very close to her. Therefore, I became even more convinced by my assumption that if it was meant to be, it would be. One time Fira asked me, “Do you have a girlfriend?” I quickly and confidently replied, “No! Not at all.” Then Fira chuckled slightly and said, “How can a guy as handsome and smart as you not have a girlfriend? That's a shame!” From Fira's words, I realized that many girls had indeed confessed their feelings to me, but I rejected them all because they weren't my type, and I didn't like it when girls confessed their love to boys first. Where would a guy put his face then, huh! I admit I'm cool, smart, and rich too, so what girl wouldn't be interested in me? And who wouldn't accept my declaration of love? But this girl was different. I respected her so much that all my narcissism disappeared when I was in front of her. To express my feelings, I could only pour them into the poems I wrote in my diary. One day, our Indonesian language teacher announced that there would be an art performance day where each class had to participate in the activities held there. One of the competitions was a teen drama. This particular drama would be the highlight event, performed at the end of the evening. The main scenario was about a boy who loved a girl but was afraid to express it. Then, after going through various events and obstacles, the boy finally gained the courage to declare his love. However, the girl played hard to get a bit, so the boy had to act romantically and speak poetically. In the end, the girl accepted his love. Our teacher said that was the core story; each class could improvise the story. Then, unexpectedly, the person chosen to play the main male character was me, and for the girl, the teacher chose Fira. Then the students in the class applauded, perhaps because we were indeed a harmonious and perfect pair.
*** Then came the night when the drama was to be staged. Before going on stage, I felt very nervous. But Fira immediately came up to me and tried to encourage me. She said, “Don't hold back when you perform later! Just let loose. Imagine I'm really the girl you want to make your girlfriend!” After hearing those words, my chest felt like I had just drunk a warm cup of chocolate. My spirits soared, and my confidence was rekindled. I wondered if this was a signal from Fira that she also liked me, or if it was just to encourage me. Then it was my turn to go on stage. As instructed by our Indonesian language teacher, we improvised the drama. We changed the story so that I had to save the girl from being kidnapped by a villain who wanted to make her his wife. Then I succeeded and had to declare my love to the girl. After successfully saving her, I began to act like a romantic man, as if I were near the Leaning Tower of Pisa or on the Titanic. I said: “My girl, I have known you for so long. I have admired you for so long, now I no longer want to be just your secret admirer. Therefore, listen to the voice of my heart.” Spring has come, the sun begins to shine, the ice at the poles begins to melt, warming my heart that was once frozen. In the past, I was like an owl longing for the moon, hoping to reach it, only able to dream in the corner of my dimension, trying to grasp something uncertain. But I tried to conquer the sky, tried to pierce through the clouds, just to get your love. As deep as the Indian Ocean, it is not as deep as my love for you. As hot as the Sahara desert, it is not as hot as the fire of my passion for you. As calm as the Pacific Ocean, it is not as calm as my heart if you are mine. So accept my love, you are my sun, you are the warmth of my heart, you are the first and last for me, eternal, forever. Without realizing it, outside the script, I immediately knelt down and offered a rose that I had picked from the school's backyard earlier, saying, “Accept this flower as a token of my love. If you throw it away, then let this feeling remain buried forever in my heart. I will leave it empty, never filling it with anyone else but you. But if you accept it, then kiss this flower, and we will live happily ever after, eternally.” Fira thought for a while, perhaps because what I did was outside the script, and slowly took and kissed the rose. Then I took her hand, and the drama ended. A loud applause accompanied the closing of the stage curtain. As we descended the stage, Fira said to me, “Your acting was excellent! I salute you. It felt so real, very heartfelt.” I replied, “Oh, it was nothing special, I also don't know why I suddenly acted like that, as if it were real.” Fira said again, “Ah, the girl who becomes your girlfriend someday will surely be very happy, having such a romantic and poetic boyfriend like you.” I could only respond with a smile and the turmoil in my mind. I wondered if Fira knew what was truly in my heart and if she really liked me as much as I liked her? With a shared smile, we parted ways, heading to our respective changing rooms. In the changing room, I was immediately greeted and cheered by my classmates. I could only smile and laugh with them. Yes, a laugh that wasn't entirely genuine because I was still troubled thinking about Fira; it turned out women were truly difficult to understand. Where I was changing, Andre, my close friend, greeted me. Andre: “Hey bro, your performance was pretty good!” I said: “Ah, not really, thanks.” Andre: “But hey, something seemed different, didn't it?” I said: “What was different?” Andre: “It looked like your acting was real, like it wasn't just a drama. Like you really wanted to confess to Fira.” I said: “Actually..., yeah, I did.” Andre: “See, I was right! You're really in love with that girl. But you used to tell me you hated her so much.” I said: “Yes, you're right, but now I'm really in love with her, and my plan is to confess to her for real, not just on stage.” Andre: “Ah, finally my friend here can have a girlfriend too! I thought you had some kind of quirk. Your taste is high-class too.” I said: “That's just how I am! So, wish me luck later, okay!” Andre: “Of course, Good luck for you!” After finishing changing, I tried to gather my courage to declare my love to Fira, the woman I had admired so much all this time. I walked out of the room, along the dark school corridors, trying to find where Fira was. I said to myself, “Tonight, I hope it's my lucky night. Oh, moon goddess, please help me, give me your charming light to help me declare my love.” As I searched, I kept thinking about the right words to express my love. As I was about to turn a corner in the corridor, I suddenly had a bad feeling, and my premonition turned out to be true. When I looked across the corridor, I saw Fira alone with a boy I knew; he was a senior from the third grade. I saw Fira being hugged by the boy, and they were kissing intimately. I saw in Fira's eyes a look full of love and warmth for that boy. A look I had never seen before when we met. They seemed very happy. I said to myself, “Ah..., how happy that boy is.” I immediately left the shadowy corner where I had seen them both. I walked away from them with silent steps, and only silence filled my mind at that moment.
*** The sun has set, spring has turned to autumn, the snow thickens again, covering my heart. My heart crystallizes, frozen eternally. Let me keep this story, I will keep it in the deepest chamber of my heart, a space guarded by hard and cold crystal stones that will not be opened until the end. I can only enjoy you from my dark side, guarding you from my imaginary dimension, gazing at you through the cracks of my broken heart. I know love is very unique; sometimes it comes so quickly, but when it leaves, it leaves a deep wound. If it has gone, only the words “love doesn't have to possess” are uttered. As long as you are happy, I too feel happy here, happy in my emptiness. Farewell, my love, let everything become a memory buried in the coldness of my heart, eternal, forever. *** I closed my diary, I broke the pen that had been loyal all this time, inscribing pages in that book. I leaned back in my old chair and stared at the clock showing 12 midnight. I am still here, contemplating all the events contained in that diary. The diary that recorded all the events experienced by The Secret Admirer. Note: A certain figure once said, “Those who are too cautious will achieve little.” THE END