I'm sitting here again, with something that always faithfully accompanies me, no matter my condition. Not food that will surely be gone when we're hungry, nor a drink that will be finished when we're thirsty, and certainly not a woman who will leave when we do something she dislikes. Yes, that thing is my own brain, which always provides a memory space where I can store everything; A brain that will not stop accompanying its owner unless the owner dies.
I sift through my brain's memories until I reach a certain point; a point where I feel a confusion that remains unresolved to this day. I arrived at a time, a dark period, a time I truly don't want to recall again. *** “There's something I need to talk to you about, Bram,” Anita's voice broke the silence that had settled between us for the past half hour. “What is it?” I asked. “We have to end all of this. In other words, we have to break up,” Anita replied expressionlessly. “What's the reason?” I asked, surprised. “I've always wanted you to change, Bram, from a drunkard to a decent man. From a playboy to someone faithful. But it turns out I can't. It was clear from your performance yesterday at Green Cafe, you looked very intimate with your band's vocalist.” “Hold on, I can explain everything. That's just a professional requirement,” “I don't want to hear any excuses. What's certain is, I want to end everything. Bye,” Anita walked away from me just like that. *** Never mind, forget that incident. It was a painful event I experienced four years ago. An event that successfully transformed me into who I am now. I used to be a guitarist in a band, but since that incident, I left my band. I used to always get drunk before going on stage, but now I've given up all those drinks and replaced them with drinking at least eight glasses of water a day. My college studies, which used to be a mess, are now focused on what I've always aspired to be: a computer expert. But one thing that has never changed is my love for Anita. However, it seems I have to bury my dreams of a future with Anita deep down. The reason? *** “I'm sorry, Bram, I can't come back,” “But you see for yourself, don't you? I've changed,” “Yes, I know that. But it's not that simple, Bram. The past is still the past. I learned from experience. I can't just come back that easily. Maybe if I did, you'd go back to your old ways because you'd think you had me in your grasp again,” *** This is what I haven't been able to figure out until now. Why do people always judge others by their past? Yes, I agree that the past is a reflection of the future. But everything can change, I'm very sure of that. So, what's the point of change if people constantly dwell on the past? I don't know, maybe when I'm old, I'll find the answer. Let the past be the past, and it seems I shouldn't drown in its shadows. Perhaps I really need to focus on what I'm experiencing in the moments that will keep turning. Let everything roll like a ball; from yesterday, today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, until we are forgotten by the world. Depok, March 22, 2014