"Senja and Adri, you two will be on standby at the office, okay? You'll be the ones to back up if there's any need for documents or anything else from the office." Mbak Adel's voice was clear despite the background noise.
"Yes, Mbak." Adri and I answered in unison.
"Standby until the event here is over!"
"Yes, Mbak." Again, Adri and I answered together.
That was it. The call was then disconnected.
"We did most of the preparations, but now that the event is here, we're told to guard the office. If we're not needed for the activity, then just give us the day off. It's supposed to be a holiday today, you know. This Saturday."
I wanted not to respond to Adri, but I couldn't hold back my laughter when I heard his annoyed tone. I don't know why.
"Why are you laughing? Aren't you annoyed being treated like this? We weren't even invited to the initial planning meeting, you know. But then we got a lot of work. And now it's like this."
"Well, we're just the new kids. Just be patient, Dri."
"You have too much patience, Ja. What if people walk all over you, you'll still be patient then too."
I just chuckled in response to Adri, not wanting to think about unimportant things like this. Trying not to think about it, to ease my mind.
"Sometimes I wonder. Are we actually working or just being played?"
"Still going, Dri?" I asked.
Adri didn't answer; perhaps he was even more annoyed by my response and finally chose not to continue.
"Ja... Ja. Check the committee group. Important!" Adri said.
Quickly, I opened the messages in the committee group.
Pak Banu: For the next activity, please don't send out invitations and letters requesting the opening of the event for the city government and other guests at the last minute.
Mbak Adel: Yes, Pak. My apologies. I actually informed everyone since you asked last week, and I followed up on Thursday. Apologies that the invitations were only sent on Friday morning.
Pak Banu: Yes, it's alright. Hopefully, the next activity will be better.
What? I reread the last two messages that had just come into the group. How could Mbak Adel answer in the group like that, when it was clear she had only asked me to create the invitations and request letters last Thursday night, and I sent them immediately? I didn't wait until Friday to send them.
"Did you really just send it Friday morning, Ja?"
"I already emailed it to Mbak Adel on Thursday night."
"But did Mbak Adel really tell you about this last week? Because I didn't know anything about it at all. As far as I knew, there wasn't even an opening from the city government."
I shook my head. "She only told me that Thursday night, Dri. I made it right away and sent it to her."
"Wow... that person is really terrible. You have to clarify with Pak Banu, Ja. Are you just going to stay silent and let yourself be slandered like that? If it were me, I wouldn't accept it."
"What for, Dri? Just let it be," I replied, putting on my headset and turning up the volume of the music I was listening to.
Night, Ludovico Einaudi's piano melody flowed into my ears, providing a little calm. Just for a moment, I wanted to listen to this soothing song.
If you were here and knew what was happening, I'm sure you'd be furious with me, even worse than Adri's indignant tone just now.
***
We sat on one of the iron benches on the Ngarsopuro street sidewalk. Your sobs were still audible, though not as severe as before. Some people had asked us what happened to make you cry like this. You couldn't answer, and I didn't know what to say because my mind was filled with worry when I heard you cry. So, Dewi, your friend, was busy answering, even though she only replied with 'nothing at all'.
I didn't know, truly had no clue why you suddenly crashed into me, hugging me tightly and crying in the middle of the street earlier. I also didn't know what to do other than hug you back and gently stroke your back. I was still shocked by everything that had just happened. With the man who suddenly bumped into us, accidentally spilled hot drink on me, and then yelled at me. With you suddenly bursting into tears.
"I'll go get us some drinks first, okay?" Dewi excused herself before finally leaving us alone.
"Take a deep breath," I said, giving the instruction while gently stroking your back.
You obeyed, taking the longest breath you could. Several times your breaths were interrupted by small sobs until finally, your crying completely stopped.
"Feeling better?" I asked.
No answer. I hoped you were nodding your head now.
"Why were you crying?" I asked once you were completely calm.
"Annoyed." One word finally came from you. One word that made my forehead furrow.
"Annoyed?" I asked, surprised. I thought you were crying because you were sad and felt sorry for me. Annoyed? "With whom?" I continued to ask.
"You!"
I was even more surprised. "What did I do wrong?"
"Because someone treated you like that and you just stayed silent. He was the one at fault. He was walking while playing on his phone, Ja. He wasn't paying attention to the road, he bumped into you, yet he's the one who got angry and told you not to leave the house!" Your voice was filled with anger.
This time, I found your right hand. I gently held it.
"Hey, stop... Why are you getting angry now?"
You didn't resist, letting me hold your hand, not trying to pull away.
"The thing is, I didn't see what happened, Rekta. Instead of arguing, it's better to just agree. It's just a small matter like this, you know."
"But then people will keep treating you like that, Ja."
"So what? Do you feel sorry for me?"
That question finally slipped out of my mouth. Usually, without asking, I already knew that people pitied me because I couldn't see. But this time, I was just curious. I wanted to hear the answer directly from you.
"Rekta?" I called, not hearing an immediate answer.
"I already told you, Ja. I'm annoyed with you. I'm annoyed when someone who isn't at fault just accepts being blamed."
"I also already told you, the problem is I didn't see what happened."
"I saw it. Clearly. But you forbade me to..."
"I don't need to be defended, Rekta."
No more answers. No words, but then you suddenly pulled your hand from my grasp and... SLAP! Your hit on my left arm was quite hard, unexpected and very quick.
"Annoying!" you snapped.
You stood up. I quickly tried to grab your hand and stop you.
"What?" you asked fiercely.
"Sorry." That one word was uttered softly. Only now did I realize that what I had just said was indeed too much, that all this time what I had done to people who cared about me had been too much.
***
Thud! My face hit the edge of the pantry door quite hard, which was once again left half-open. It's definitely going to leave a red mark later. I should have just used my cane earlier because even though I've been working here for half a year and know the office layout by heart, I still very often find doors left partially open, furniture moved without notice, or stacks of documents placed on the hallway floor, ready for me to bump into at any time.
"Hit the door?" Adri asked.
"No."
"Your forehead has a long red mark like the edge of a door." Adri walked past me, pulling the door wider open.
"Oh. So you can see. Good." I followed him into the pantry.
"Don't be dramatic. That's why you should use your cane. You're just pretending. Besides, this door is weird; why does it open outwards? The inside of the pantry is still spacious enough for the door to open inwards."
This person can indeed be this annoying sometimes. But since we started on the same day and our desks are next to each other, he's still the person I know best here.
"Dri, have you seen my glass?" I asked after several minutes of not finding the glass I usually use every day.
"Here," he said, placing the glass in front of me. I don't know where he got it. "Your hand wasn't searching deep enough earlier."
"Oh. Thanks. The tea box?" I asked again after still not finding the jar where the tea bags are usually kept on the upper counter near the sink.
"In front of you. It's really their habit. They're so lazy to put things back where they belong. It's a shame you have to look for them. They've already intended to hire employees with special needs, yet they make no effort to be more understanding."
I don't know what else Adri said. There were a few more sentences, but I ignored them, choosing instead to open my vibrating phone. There was a reply from you. This morning I had sent a message, asking if you would be coming home today.
Red: I don't know. Today there's a journal review group presentation. Next week there's a play therapy schedule. The proposal isn't ready yet.
Langit Senja: Alright, no problem. I think I'll be working overtime again today. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to Jogja.
Red: Don't come here yet. You've been working overtime for several days, haven't you? Let's just rest this weekend.
"Ja?"
I turned to Adri.
"What is your phone saying? It's so fast. Sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks."
"On purpose, so you won't understand." I put on a wide smile that Arik said looked super annoying.
"But you understand what it's saying?"
"Yes, I do."
"So it's true that blind people have super hearing? Like Daredevil, huh?"
"Yes. That's why you shouldn't sing nonsense in the bathroom anymore because I can hear it from my desk."
"Really, Ja? But the bathroom is quite far from our desk, you know."
This time, I couldn't help but laugh.
"You were just kidding, weren't you?" he asked, annoyed.
"Not that super, Dri. I can understand what my phone is saying just because I've had a lot of practice; I've always used that screen reader speed. So it doesn't take too long."
Adri nodded his head. Or, at least, that's what I imagined he was doing now because he didn't say anything in response.
I sipped the warm tea that was starting to get cold.
"It's almost lunchtime, but there are no signs of lunch being sent, Ja?"
"What time is it now?" I asked then.
"It's already ten to twelve."
"Soon, probably."
I placed the glass on the dining table, then took out my insulin case from the back pocket of my jeans. If I injected my insulin now, at least I wouldn't have to wait any longer when lunch arrived.
"Dri, please check. Is the small arrow already at twelve?" I asked, handing him my insulin injector.
"Yes. What is this, Ja?" He returned the object to my hand.
"Insulin."
I pulled my shirt up, slightly exposing my stomach.
"Hey... hey... I'm still normal!" he said.
"What are you talking about, Dri? I'm going to inject insulin. If you don't want to watch, just leave," I said, swabbing an alcohol pad on the skin I was about to prick.
"Can you do it yourself? Don't you need help?"
"No. I'm used to it," I replied.
Done. Now we just had to wait for our lunch to arrive. I quickly put away my tools, placed them in a small storage wallet, and then slipped it back into my back pants pocket.
"Why do you inject insulin?"
"Just for fun. To be cool," I answered casually.
"Geez... I'm asking seriously." Adri pushed the door open and held it until I passed.
"So I can live long, Dri. I still want to get married."
"Can't you just answer seriously for once, Ja?" Adri sounded annoyed.
"Hahahaha... Sorry, Dri. Diabetes."
"How can that be? You're still young?"
"It can. I've had diabetes since I was little. It's possible."
Adri didn't say anything else. I returned to my seat. Not doing anything, just like all morning. Just waiting for orders at any moment. For a moment I waited, in case Adri started talking to me again. No. He really didn't talk to me anymore. Good. I could concentrate on watching Netflix. It was a good way to kill time while waiting for lunch to arrive.
Quite a while later, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. "But we really are getting lunch, right?" Adri asked. "Ja?"
"Mbak Adel said so yesterday. Everyone who came in today gets lunch."
"Because Mas Trias already posted about having lunch since half past eleven. Ours should have arrived by now too, Ja."
Okay. It seemed Adri's concerns were starting to make sense. If everyone was getting lunch, we should have received it at the same time or at least with only a slight delay.
"Wow, this isn't right!"
I turned. "Why, Dri?"
"That boss is really terrible. I just WhatsApped him, asking about lunch. He said all the lunches were dropped off at the exhibition venue. If we want it, we have to go pick it up ourselves. If we want to." Adri emphasized the last two words.
"Alright then. Just order our own food. Because I have to eat," I replied, grabbing my phone and opening the online food ordering menu.
"Terrible... terrible..."
"Alright. What do you want me to order for you?" I asked.
"No, thanks. I'm annoyed, Ja. So I'm not hungry. Do you still have an appetite?"
"I have to have an appetite. I've already injected insulin, you know. If I don't eat, my blood sugar will drop, and I could faint or even die," I replied.
"Seriously?"
I shrugged.
"Your jokes aren't funny!"
I chuckled. I wasn't joking. But if he thought so, then so be it.
"I'll just order food for you, okay, Dri?" I finally decided, no longer waiting for his approval.
My body was already starting to tremble slightly, a sign that I needed to eat soon.
"I'll order roasted chicken rice," I said.
"Yeah. Whatever. Anything."
Wrong. I shouldn't have rushed to inject my insulin earlier and waited until the food was here first. Too confident that the food would arrive on time. I also recklessly decided on the same dose as this morning without checking my blood sugar levels. I wanted to avoid hassle, but it ended up like this.
"Dri?"
"Hmm..."
"Have you seen my candy bowl?" I asked, still trying to find the plastic bowl I used to put candies on my desk.
"No, Ja." His voice sounded close. "It's not on your desk."
"Someone took it again." My complaint could no longer be hidden now; the tone must have been clear.
"Why, Ja?"
"What time is it now?" I didn't answer his question.
"It's almost one o'clock."
No wonder. My insulin had started working. My body was beginning to feel weak and shaky because my blood sugar was dropping. Food should have entered my body forty-five minutes ago so that sugar could enter my bloodstream and be allowed into my body's cells by the insulin. But since nothing had entered, it would just push in whatever was there and cause my blood sugar to drop significantly.
"Ja? Do you need candy?" Adri asked, patting my shoulder.
"A sweet drink would also be good, Dri. Could I ask for a favor?" I asked.
"Okay... okay. Hold on. I'll make it first." Adri's voice faded away.
I felt very sleepy. Several times I couldn't stop myself from yawning.
"Ja, drink this first." Adri gently patted my shoulder and handed me a glass of warm tea.
Without further delay, I quickly finished the warm sweet tea Adri made for me. My body was still trembling slightly as I placed the glass on the table. It would still take a few minutes for these symptoms to disappear. That's usually how it is. Fortunately, the lunch we ordered arrived.
Adri didn't say much after our food arrived. Perhaps he was actually very hungry too, so he needed full concentration to enjoy his lunch.
"Ja?" he called after a few minutes of no conversation between us. "What you said earlier, about you being able to die if you don't eat, that wasn't a joke, was it?"
I chuckled.
"Oh come on, you're laughing. I'm asking seriously. My heart skipped a beat when I saw you suddenly go weak like that. I was making you a drink while chanting spells, you know!"
"Spells?" I frowned.
"Yes. Don't die yet... don't die yet... I'd be scared if you died."
I laughed out loud when I heard Adri's answer. Ah, but I can't tell you this. Instead of laughing along, you would surely worry about me. Just like always.
***
I listened in as Umi taught you how to use the blood glucose meter and the insulin pen I usually used.
"That's enough, Mi. Senja can just inject it herself later. Poor Rekta, her brain might overload if Umi explains it for too long," I said from the kitchen, holding back a smile.
"See, she's annoying, isn't she, Mi. She always acts like that towards Rekta," you complained.
I stopped my steps as soon as my hand found the backrest of the dining chair you were sitting on.
"How dare you tell on me," I teased, gently ruffling the top of your head.
"Senja, don't bother Rekta right now. This is serious. Your study tour is long, you know. Three days. You've never been away alone for that long."
"Rekta will be there." I flashed a wide smile.
"Yes. That's why Rekta needs to know this. So she can help you inject and check your blood sugar tomorrow."
Okay. I gave up, no longer trying to argue, choosing instead to leave the dining room and flop onto my soft bed in the room.
Your quick footsteps were clearly audible, getting closer.
"You had hypoglycemia again yesterday?" you asked as soon as you reached me. "How? Why?"
I immediately got up and sat on the edge of the bed. Ah, it must have been Umi. Why did she have to tell you, knowing you easily panic when you hear such things? She still couldn't keep it to herself.
"Ja!" you demanded.
"Just the usual, postponing meals." Arik's voice was clearly audible from the doorway.
"Why wasn't I told?" you protested.
"I'm fine, really," I said, trying to calm you down.
"You're fine because you got caught," Arik said again.
"Just keep adding fuel to the fire, Rik. You're so happy to pour gasoline on embers." I couldn't help but retort.
Arik's triumphant laugh was loud and then faded away. He was gone.
"Ja!"
I put on the best smile I had. I stretched both hands forward, towards you, hoping you would take them. And yes, you did. So I pulled a little and asked you to sit on the bed with me, by my side.
"I'm fine, Rekta. Really. Yesterday, I had a lot of tasks, and it felt like a waste to stop halfway. So I just finished them all at once," I explained.
"Until past mealtime?" you asked, sounding more worried than judgmental.
"Yes. And then, you know, just a little shaky and weak. After eating, I was fine. It's okay. Alright? Don't worry." I didn't let go of your hand.
"Don't do that again next time, okay? You know that if..."
My head nodded quickly. "Yes, I know," I replied, still maintaining my best smile.
Yes, I know you don't want last year's incident to happen again. I know you don't want to see me unconscious in a hospital bed for several days again. I know you don't want to feel like you've lost me again. I know.
"Ja?"
"Hmm?" This time I turned to you.
"I love you. You know that, right?"
My head nodded again. "Yes. I know. Thanks," I replied.
A sudden pinch landed on my right arm.
"Always like that! Annoying!" you said, standing up. "When someone says 'I love you,' the answer is 'me too,' not 'thanks'." You let go of my hand. "Senja is annoying!" you said again, walking away.
"But you love me, right?" I asked.
"I know! Umiiii... Senja is annoying!!" you yelled from outside the room.
My smile widened, I couldn't hold it back anymore.
***
Six o'clock. I had just finished my Maghrib prayer and was already very bored doing nothing at the office. I turned off my laptop and quickly put it into my backpack.
"Let's just go home, Dri!" I suggested.
"Are we allowed to go home yet, Ja? We were told to wait until the event there was over. What if they look for us?"
I was already standing with my backpack on my back.
"If they ask, just say I forced you to go home," I replied.
"No, don't, Ja. Wait, let me just excuse myself to Mbak Adel first, okay? Who knows, maybe we can go home early."
My head nodded, allowing Adri to contact Mbak Adel. I myself was already too lazy to call her.
"Mbak, can Senja and I go home early?"
"Just go home, Dri. The event has been over since five o'clock," Mbak Adel said from Adri's phone speaker.
I instantly lifted my face and straightened my body, then turned towards Adri.
"But wasn't the closing scheduled for seven o'clock, Mbak?" Adri asked.
"I already revised the schedule yesterday. Because Pak asked for it to be until five o'clock only. Didn't you know Pak Mamat already delivered the equipment to the factory warehouse earlier? Just go home if you want to go home."
And as usual, the call was unilaterally disconnected.
"There was no info in the group that the event was over, was there, Ja?" Adri asked.
"No, there wasn't, Dri," I replied, trying to sound calm. "Alright, let's go home!"
"Do you know any black magic shamans, Ja? I really want to hex that person. Good thing she's a woman. If she were a man, I would've already challenged him to a fight!"
I still tried to force a smile.
"Ah, just admit that you actually don't dare to challenge her to a fight. Using gender as an excuse. You'd probably shrink back immediately if Mbak Adel yelled at you once," I teased.
"Nonsense. Even so, I was a Porseni champion in junior high," he said. He was in front of me now.
"Which martial arts branch?" I invited him to walk towards the stairs.
"Martial arts? Why martial arts? Chess."
"Why chess?"
"Because it was chess, you know. What's wrong with that?"
"Well, then it doesn't connect with the fight plan earlier."
Adri didn't respond immediately.
"Oh, it still connects with the fight earlier?"
"I don't know, Dri."
The tip of my cane reached the ground floor. I then directed it towards the main door of the office building lobby.
"Oh, Mas Senja and Mas Adri are still here?" greeted the security guard on duty. I still hadn't quite memorized his voice because there were two people with deep voices like this.
I stopped walking. "Yes, Pak. Just finished our work."
"Good thing I haven't locked up yet, Mas. Earlier when Pak Mamat and Mbak Adel came here, they said there was no one left."
"Maybe Mbak Adel thought we had already gone home, Pak. Sorry, I forgot to report to the security guard too." I forced a smile.
Adri didn't say anything. He just joined in greeting and then left the building with me.
"How are you going home, Ja?" Adri asked as soon as we reached the yard.
"Probably just an online taxi. I'll order one after this."
"Whereabouts is your house?"
"Margoyudan, south of SMA Dua (High School Two)."
"Want me to drop you off?"
"No need, Dri. Your house is in Kartosuro, west of the city, why would you want to drop me off in the east? It's far. I'll go home by myself. Chill."
I took my phone out of my pants pocket. It turned out there was a message from you.
Red: Are you still at the office, Ja? What time does the event finish?
I quickly typed a reply.
Langit Senja: It just finished. I'm about to go home.
I waited, in case you replied again.
Red: I want to see you...
Langit Senja: Me too. Finish your tasks first. So you can come home tomorrow.
I waited for a reply again. But after a while, you didn't reply. I quickly opened the online ride-hailing app and ordered a vehicle to pick me up.
"Ja, I'm heading off, okay?" Adri said goodbye and quickly left after I waved at him.
It seemed cloudy today. The night air was quite cold. Luckily, I wasn't as careless as usual today and chose to wear a jacket, which was quite warming.
"Do you want to cross the street, young lady? Let me help you," a man said, pulling my arm.
I held my ground. "No, Pak. Thank you." I tried to free myself from his grip.
"Oh, alright then," he said.
This wasn't the first time. I don't know how many times I've met people who tried to help by suddenly pulling my arm like that. Yes, I'm fully aware that they just want to help. But it would truly be much better if they asked first if I needed help or what kind of help I needed, instead of just pulling. Usually, I just let them do it. I don't know why tonight I was reluctant to comply. Maybe I was just tired.
"Kak Senja?" a man asked, accompanied by the sound of a motorcycle engine stopping in front of me.
"Yes."
"To Margoyudan, Kak?"
"Yes."
"Do you need help getting on?"
This time I shook my head. "I can do it myself, Mas. Thanks," I replied, putting on the helmet he handed me and immediately getting on the back of the motorcycle.
There was no conversation at all tonight. Perhaps he was already tired after taking orders all day. I was also reluctant to talk. The accumulated annoyance of the day was already quite a lot, enough to keep me from talking much, worried that inappropriate words might slip freely from my mouth later.
"The house with the tea-plant fence, right, Kak?" the ojek driver asked after stopping the motorcycle and turning off the engine.
"Yes, Mas." I stepped down from the motorcycle, then took off the helmet and returned it. "Thanks."
"Thanks, Kak. I'll be going," he said, excusing himself. He quickly left.
Well, at least it didn't rain tonight, so my journey home could be easier and cheaper.
I gently pushed the gate door, stopping for a moment to check the time on my phone. It was only a quarter past seven; I didn't have to lock the gate yet.
"Assalamu'alaikum," I said after placing my shoes on the rack on the porch.
"Wa'alaikumsalaam," several voices from inside the house replied.
I froze at the door, not entirely sure about what I had just heard.
"Red?" I asked, unsure. It seemed like your voice was among the voices that had just answered me.
"Hmmm... too much overtime is making you hallucinate!" Arik said from the sofa in front of the television.
Ah, yes. I was starting to hallucinate hearing your voice. I quickly entered my room, put down my backpack and my 'war gear,' then went back out, ready to shower. Wait, or maybe not, I wasn't hallucinating because I smelled your scent as I approached the sofa. I then realized that Arik wasn't sitting alone on the sofa.
"I'm not hallucinating," I said confidently, stopping in front of someone sitting next to Arik. "Red!" I called.
Then I heard the soft sound of your laughter right in front of me.
"Naughty!" I said, landing a kiss on the top of your head.
"Excuse me, excuse me. Ugh, my stomach suddenly feels nauseous seeing you two." Arik walked past me, quickly entering his room, leaving the sofa just for the two of us.
"We've been waiting for you!" Umi called from the dining room.
"You've been here for a while? Waiting long for me to come home? Why didn't you tell me? Instead, you said you couldn't come home." I dropped myself next to you.
"It was supposed to be a surprise."
"When did you arrive from Jogja?" I asked, changing my sitting position to face you.
"This afternoon. I was supposed to be off duty today. But because there was a presentation, I came in. Just for the presentation. After the presentation, I went straight home."
"What about the proposal for next week?"
"I already submitted it earlier."
"Oh, so everything was planned out. Good."
You laughed. "I already told you I wanted to see you."
My head nodded slowly. "Yes, I know."
"There you go being annoying again..."
"How did you come home earlier?"
"With a friend. Dian happened to have an appointment with her friend in Solo, so she gave me a ride."
I nodded my head again.
"What's wrong, Ja?"
"What do you mean, 'what's wrong'?" I asked.
"Your face changed."
My face changed. I forgot that you could see and would surely immediately notice the change in my expression.
"Ja?" You reached for my hand. "You're not jealous of Dian, are you?"
I straightened up, moving slightly away.
"Ja, are you seriously jealous of Dian? Dian and I are just friends. We happened to be in the same group, and she happened to be going to Solo earlier."
For once, I was speechless again. Ah, I shouldn't let things like this bother us, bother me. Haven't I always said that each of us should always be ready to lose each other? Or have I actually just been trying to hide my own worries all this time? All this time, have I just not admitted that I'm the one afraid of losing you?
To be continued