Please Go Away

“Congratulations! Finally, after a long and exhausting struggle, you've reached this point.” Said a friend. We usually called him The Most Poetic. “Thank you, dear, this is also thanks to your prayers.” I smiled, mimicking his poetic style. “Wow, you're amazing!” Said a classmate and also a fellow organization member on campus. “Oh, you're just saying that. You're also great, you even graduated long before me.” I replied, once again flashing a smile that, for some reason, never left my lips. We exchanged jokes, adding to the lively atmosphere. I was so grateful to have friends as kind and caring as them, considering my physical condition wasn't the same as theirs. Yet, they weren't awkward at all being friends with me. I still vividly remember when I was a freshman. Back then, I felt so anxious, confused, scared, but strangely, those feelings were overshadowed by a truly surprising enthusiasm, even for myself. “Deny, happy graduation.” Everything seemed to stop. So powerful was the influence of that voice on me, my heart felt like it was dropping from its place, my body suddenly stiff. I gathered all my strength and tried to speak, but instead, a choked sound came out. “Den, you remember, right? This is Dinda. She was in the same class as us. Hey, how many semesters were we in the same class with Deny?” I remained silent. I no longer heard what my friends were talking about; instead, I drifted far back to those times. *********** Flashback Halilintar berdegam di atas sana. Rain poured fiercely from the sky as if dumped. I stood despairingly, leaning against a wall, "Damn it," I muttered to myself. I sharpened my hearing, but all I could hear was the splashing of water and the cold rush of wind on my skin. I checked my phone again; still the same. Who would be willing to get soaked, even if paid? A while ago, I ordered a motorcycle taxi through an app. But, because the rain was so heavy, of course, the owner of the motorcycle was reluctant to accept the order. "Wait for the rain to stop first, sis, or just cancel it," he said. Absolutely damn it! I cursed endlessly in my heart. After pondering for a few moments, I finally decided to cancel the order and re-order a car taxi. However, before I could carry out that intention, a greeting suddenly came from my left. "Alone, Den?" "Yes. Sorry, who is this?" I asked spontaneously. "Dinda, we're in the same class." She said softly. From her voice, this girl was smiling. "Oh, I see, sorry, I still haven't memorized many names and voices," I replied a little awkwardly. "It's okay, I don't know all our classmates yet either." She said reassuringly. "What are you doing, why haven't you gone home yet?" she added. "Well, I just finished a task from Mr. Bowo. Why are you still on campus? I think I was the only one still working in class earlier. I even still have the class key." "I just came from the Faculty library. I happened to see you, so I just came over." She said, smiling again. 'This girl seems really friendly,' I thought to myself. "Oh, is that so?" I replied curtly. Honestly, I was confused about how to respond, because fundamentally, I'm not someone who easily talks to just anyone. Even though she said we were classmates, the truth was, this was our first interaction. However, I suddenly remembered I still had the class key, and since there was a student, especially one who claimed to be in my class, I finally spoke up again. "Uh, by the way, where do I return this key?" "Do you want me to help return it?" she offered. "Won't it be a bother?" I asked politely, though in my heart I really hoped for help. "It's fine. Do you have an umbrella? Because my umbrella is small; it probably won't fit both of us." "Oh no! You're right, I didn't bring one, what should we do?" I replied, also thinking about what to do. "In that case, let's wait for the rain to stop first, okay?" She decided after a few seconds of silence. I just nodded in agreement. But the rain continued to fall heavily. It was as if the universe and the rain itself were conspiring to trap two people together a little longer that afternoon. ******* Di dalam mobil Aku bersyukur dengan kehadiran keluargaku beberapa minutes yang lalu. Just as I was composing myself, my parents and younger sister arrived. I immediately changed the topic of conversation and quickly said goodbye to my friends. Without further ado, I directly invited my sister to the parking lot. “What's wrong, Mas?” “Nothing,” I replied curtly. “Really?” I felt my sister was probing, as her voice sounded close to my ear. “What is it?” I turned to her and reached out to ruffle her hair. But, of course, my sister brushed my hand away and instead startled my heart with her question. “Who was that girl, Mas?” “A friend. Why?” I tried to answer nonchalantly. Yet, my heart was pounding. Whether it was just a feeling or truly, behind my parents' silence, they were listening to every word that came out of our mouths, especially mine. The question “Do you have a girlfriend?” they had asked not just once or twice. It was annoying, as if I were undesirable. Though, it seemed they might have a point. I said to myself. “Even if there's something, it's okay, Mas.” Ah, I knew it, finally, the 'king' spoke up. Instead of answering, I playfully pulled my sister's hair. Because, after all, this unpleasant conversation started with her. “It's okay if she's not pretty, Mas. The important thing is that she can love and accept...” “The important thing is that she's not disabled, Mom.” I cut in with a sarcastic tone. Somehow, this conversation always came up in every discussion about who would be a suitable partner for me. As if others would be happy if their child married me, a disabled person. My heart instantly ached. Back when I was in a special needs school, I had a girlfriend who was physically disabled. I thought that because I was disabled, my parents would be fine with our relationship, but it turned out I was too naive. Both of them vehemently opposed it, especially my mother. According to her, it was very embarrassing if I were to marry a disabled person. Truly, they were so selfish! Since then, I no longer wanted to talk about anything, especially my romantic problems. Seeing her older brother and both parents ready to argue, my sister broke the tension by blurting out anything to distract the three of us. Even though I was grateful to her, I still wore a sour face. For a while, the tension still hung in the air, accompanying the silence that trapped the four of us in that box-shaped vehicle until a song, too close to my heart, played softly from my sister's phone. “Oh, I traverse space and time, laughter, sadness, and persuasion intertwined, standing beside her. Hoo, there's only one thing I ask, to guard the eternal flower I've given her on her life's journey.” I was stunned to hear the song. My sister was truly a pain; after almost making my parents and me come to blows, now she was playing that damned song. ******** Tunas Yang Mulai Tumbuh “Hey, be quiet for a moment.” Said the girl next to me. I laughed inwardly; just a second ago she told me to be quiet, but listen to her prattling on about the song playing. “The song is good, right? It's so romantic, you know who the singer is? I really love listening to their songs, what kind of songs do you like? What genre? Hey, why are you so quiet, I'm talking to you!” She nudged my arm when I remained silent. “But you just told me to be quiet, didn't you?” I replied, deliberately teasing her. I thought that after that afternoon's encounter, we wouldn't meet again, or at least not greet each other. It wouldn't have bothered me if that had happened. For me, every meeting doesn't always have to have a continuation. However, it seemed our meeting then made us, who had never greeted each other before, occasionally exchange greetings at certain moments, especially when we happened to be in the same class. Sometimes, while waiting for a lecturer, we would even exchange a few words. From those few words, we became close enough to exchange phone numbers, and several times we happened to be in the same group. For example, right now, we were assigned to a team to review an old literary work called Gurindam. Instead of focusing on discussing and researching the material, we ended up exchanging verses that didn't connect at all with the topic we were studying. “Dek, please help Mas, Mas. Are you sleeping?” my mother called out. I was startled from my reverie. “Mas, be careful with your head,” my sister guided me, but I just remained silent. My mind was wandering back again. “Oh no.” “Why, what's wrong?” I asked, wanting to know what happened. “It's raining, Den, what should we do? It's already this late.” She mumbled almost to herself. “Why, do you have an appointment with someone?” I asked carefully. “No, but my friend wants to borrow my motorcycle.” “Oh, I see, but it doesn't seem too heavy, does it? The sound isn't loud.” How strange, why did I feel a sense of relief when I heard her answer? “No, but it's quite a walk to the parking lot.” She countered. Out of nowhere, I took off my jacket and offered it to her to wear while getting her motorcycle. For a moment, the girl burst out laughing and exclaimed, “Oh, oh. How kind, where did you learn to have such a clever idea?” she said, still laughing. I became nervous. It was truly beyond my control; the idea just suddenly popped up because I felt so relieved, but why was I relieved? “Hey, you're spacing out again. Such a habit.” “Uh, what?” “Hold the umbrella. You're spacing out. I know you're tall.” “What do you mean?” I asked, confused. “Let's just go to the parking lot together. Do you want to be left alone here?” “Together?” I was still in slow mode, it seemed. “Of course.” She answered firmly. Finally, I just resigned myself, trying to calm my heart which was suddenly pounding fast. I worried that the girl next to me would hear it. Our position was like a couple, with one of her hands wrapped around my waist, which automatically brought our bodies close together, while I spread my jacket to cover both our heads. “Oh, I traverse space and time, laughter, sadness, and persuasion intertwined, standing beside her. Hoo, there's only one thing I ask, to guard the eternal flower I've given her on her life's journey.” Faintly, I heard her humming. Finally, I joined in singing the song. My guess was right; when she heard I could follow the lyrics, she was surprised. But the next moment, we were singing the song loudly, interspersed with laughter from both our lips. ******** Berkelana Dalam Kenangan Honestly, being ridden like this was so awkward, but what could I do? If I were driving, we might end up in the grave instead of our respective dorms. All the way, I felt embarrassed; how could I not? A tall, strong man being given a ride by a girl. It was so uncomfortable that whenever I heard a guy's voice, whether from the front, back, or side, I straightened my body as if to show that I was a real man. I smiled, amused and bitter, remembering all that. How quickly and cruelly time had passed. “Can we graduate together, do you think?” I said that afternoon. Coincidentally, some classmates were graduating that day, and as a show of solidarity, we both attended. “Hopefully, that's why you have to work seriously. I'm sure you can do it.” I just gave a stiff smile in response. “Come on, cheer up.” Said the girl sitting next to me, patting my shoulder several times. “I don't know, I feel like this is all too heavy. You know, the website I'm using as a research subject is so hard to get a response from, and the interview was only once. Not to mention, I'm from a special needs school; academic matters aren't really prioritized there. And from the campus itself, there's no difference between disabled and non-disabled students. Honestly, I don't like being differentiated, but there should be special policies, right?” I explained at length. Suddenly, I felt mellow, perhaps because of the cheerful graduation atmosphere. “I understand, this is really hard for you, I'll try to help as much as I can.” “Thanks.” I replied resignedly. There was a part of me that was reluctant to show weakness, especially to the girl next to me, but what could I do? I really didn't know what else to do. Sometimes, I even thought about looking for thesis writing services, but I wasn't sure if I wouldn't regret such a big decision. I took a deep drag from the cigarette I was holding. The more I remembered, the more my heart ached. “Congratulations, just one more step.” I exclaimed, giving my best smile. “Thanks, Den. Oh, by the way, who did you come here with?” she asked, guiding me to sit in a chair in front of the courtroom. “Alone. I was curious about the thesis defense process.” “Hey, I'm going to meet friends in the faculty garden, what about you? Do you want to come or what?” she asked, putting her things into her bag. I paused for a moment; honestly, I was disappointed. I thought that after this, we could go out together as usual and be faithful listeners, as usual. “Okay, I'll come along.” I finally said. Sometimes I forget that someone who spends a lot of time with us also has another life, other friends, out there. That fact really stung my heart. I thought we only had each other. Not to mention, it seemed she also had male friends with whom, from my observation, she was very close. That reality truly shattered everything I had thought about us. I realized that lamenting what had happened was useless. But, as an ordinary human, I felt regret. If only I hadn't had to go with her that day, if only that afternoon's encounter had never happened, if only I hadn't fallen for her gentle words, her sincere attention, her polite attitude and behavior. If only that love had never grown. I don't know exactly how, but suddenly we were like strangers. Suddenly, we drifted apart. She who always filled my monotonous days, she who could always make me laugh even when I didn't want to laugh, suddenly vanished as if swallowed by the earth. I really wanted to know if I meant anything to her? Was I ever in her heart, even for a moment? I know I'm foolish with all these questions that I never directly asked her. I fiddled with my phone, hoping she would reply to my message or something, but two hours had passed since I last messaged her. ******* Tunas Yang Meranggas “Mas, are you really not coming home with us?” My mother asked for the third time. But my answer remained the same; I still wanted to stay at the dorm for a few more days. “Alright then, but let the house know when you want to come home so Dad can pick you up.” My mother finally said when I was adamant about staying. It turned out that the annoying conversation in the car earlier was a good thing; otherwise, my mother might not have allowed me to stay at the dorm for the next few days. “If you want to come home, don't tell us last minute, okay, Mas?” This time it was my father who spoke. Again, I just nodded. Actually, this was unplanned; originally, after we finished at campus, I was going straight home with my family. However, the girl's arrival made me hesitant. Even though her arrival wasn't necessarily for me, I felt I would never be at peace if this heart matter wasn't resolved soon. That's why I sent a message to meet tonight. I gently massaged my temples, trying to get rid of the painful throbbing. ****** Aku terbangun jam lima lebih delapan menit. It turned out that even with a tumultuous heart, I could still fall asleep. Nevertheless, for some reason, my body still felt weak, and my heart still ached. Especially when I checked my phone, my heart sank. There was one missed call and nine messages from several numbers. But I only checked the message from one number. "Hi Den, I haven't returned yet. Sure, tonight at our usual cafe, or do you have any other recommended places?" I just typed back, "Okay, at the usual cafe at seven, right?" ******* I paced back and forth in my dorm room, exhaling long breaths repeatedly. But strangely, this anxiety didn't lessen. Occasionally, I checked the time on my phone; it was already past seven, but I still hadn't left. Tired of standing, I finally sat down, gathering all my strength. I had to be brave. I had to face all of this. ****** “Are you well, Den?” “As you can see, I'm fine.” I replied, struggling to produce a smile. “I'm glad to hear that. Oh, and congratulations. I knew you could reach this point.” Said the girl sitting opposite me. I smiled again in response to her words. In the end, I decided to come. After all, I was the one who suggested meeting. Then, only silence reigned. “How long have you been here, I mean, in this city?” I tried to steer the conversation according to my initial purpose for coming here. “I arrived last night.” “Oh, did you bring your own vehicle?” I pressed hard on my heart so she wouldn't see my disappointment. After her graduation until this afternoon, I had no communication with her at all, especially since I knew she had gone back to her hometown. But hearing she was back and hadn't told me felt like being cut by a blade. “No, I took the train. Do you remember Fafa? I stayed there last night. It's a shame, you know, she's from out of town, and her parents didn't come to her graduation today. But I hope my presence and her boyfriend's can somewhat lessen her sadness.” She said at length. I felt like screaming, 'I need your presence too, not just now but from then until forever.' But what came out of my mouth was, “Who's her boyfriend?” “Anwar.” “Anwar, the most poetic one?” I asked, somewhat surprised. “Yes,” she replied, amused. I cursed inwardly; that damn guy claimed to have come specifically for me. Turns out. Without realizing it, I was infected by the cheerfulness this girl radiated. For a while, we laughed freely. But in an instant, that cheerfulness vanished. “Den, I purposely came not just for Fafa, but also for you.” “What do you mean?” My heart pounded. “Yes, I purposely came to see the person I admire finally succeed in finishing his task. Den, I don't know where to start.” Her voice grew softer and softer until I could barely hear her. “Din, what's wrong?” I asked, about to reach out my hand, but stopped, afraid she would be offended. “Den, I'm sorry. I just suddenly disappeared back then.” Thump! My blood rushed. My body instantly felt weak. Is this the end? Shouldn't I be the one confronting her, but instead, she's giving an explanation without me asking, as if she knows my heart's contents. It made me wonder, who's the real man here? Why is this girl so confident and brave enough to admit her own mistakes? This girl is truly special. “Why, Din? Why did you suddenly go silent, suddenly distance yourself?” I asked, what else could I do? She was the one who brought up the topic, and my task is to ask for an explanation that I myself had never dared to express directly to her. “I'm sorry, Den. I know my behavior was cruel. And you have every right to hate me.” “You know that's not what I'm asking,” I pressed. “Are you sure